dooce.com, website of influential media lady and former stately manor owner Heather Armstrong, has been down for at least 7 hours and an amazing thing has happened – absolutely nothing. The website that allegedly made upwards of $50k a month just two short years ago and reportedly has hundreds of thousands of fans has been unavailable for most of the day…and yet not a peep about it has been found anywhere on social media. Evidently even her rabid poodles no longer care whether dooce.com exists or not.
Could such indifference be proof of the end of dooce.com’s reign as Ruler of Blogland?
Shauna Ahern, famous for her recipes, is tired of helping you people with those recipes. After years of publishing perfectly crafted instructions for gluten free food items, she is “done” providing the ungrateful masses with substitutions and clarifications:
I posted the recipe this morning…Within an hour, I had a request from a different person asking how to substitute every single ingredient in the recipe…I am not kidding…So here’s the deal. I’m done. I’ve tried hard for years to figure out the substitutions because I don’t want anyone else to feel left out…I can’t make every substitution for you. I just won’t do it anymore.
Asking readers if they “know how much work it takes to create a grain-free, dairy-free, and egg-free dinner roll that is actually good” she went on to detail the extent of her culinary martyrdom:
In the midst of the time when we are developing five recipes a day, six days a week, for an impending cookbook deadline? (I’ll leave off the rest of our lives, the exciting developments and the daily duties of being parents to a very active five-year-old.) I don’t throw recipes up there lightly.
Don’t you people know how busy she is? For fork’s sake they are drowning in a sea of fundraising their gastrotour and trying to figure out why they can’t find the perfect baby. They can’t be expected to help you sort out how to make their recipes because they “worked hard to make that particular recipe, not the one you need”. OMG people, just use Google!
Couples & Co., a website that helps you have “a more blissful union”, is ready to take a stand against all you deceitful women who do anything to change your appearance. In this post they declare that women who attempt to alter their looks are committing ‘fraud’:
This woman frankly should not have been able to reproduce because she’s the carrier of genetic refuse. ..Beauty is not skin deep, it’s in your genes and if you think otherwise you’re the shallow one here.
Now, he’s not trying to be mean to you ugly ladies. He’s just looking out for the progeny he intends to produce:
For me as a man, I look at a woman’s body and her features to guage how healthy she is physically and if she would produce good children for me because frankly I’m shopping for a good mother for my children. Sure, once I’ve ascertained that the woman in question is healthy and well-formed, then I’ll worry about her IQ and maternal temperament, but I make no apologies for selecting out the biologically weak women because this is my children’s future and a good parent cares about the future they give their children.
Because obviously the most important thing you can give to your children is…good looks. Sure, that’ll be all they need.
Look, it’s one thing to not be a huge champion of plastic surgery. But to say a woman is ‘genetic refuse’ because she decides to modify herself to better conform to the standards that most societies demand of them is a bit much. It’s stupid to say that you pretty much only value women for their looks, and then declare that women aren’t allowed to do anything to improve what they were born with in order to satisfy your gaze. If you want to limit your dating pool to the 283 women on the planet who are natural supermodels that’s your affair, but do you need to assign all other women to a lower genetic tier in the process?
I’m still busy sorting through the GOMI Awards nominees for each category, so I’m running a little behind on getting the voting booths up. In the meantime it’s time to take your nominations for the 2014 Hammys. The categories are:
Best Response Gif
Best Overall Gif
Favorite Forum Thread
I’ll try to get the GOMI Award nominees voting booths up asap, but in the meantime have fun nominating your fellow hamcats in the above categories!
Erin W., “a pretty face“, has dating site users in Toronto gathering pitchforks thanks to her blog – which details her strategy to “find a man, any man, even a woman to finance this delectable venture into the maze of Toronto’s hottest resto nabes”:
Exploiting men for meals is tough. I have to put up with a lot of bad conversation and to be honest for awhile there I didn’t think I was up for the challenge.
Warning the internet that “Toronto gold diggers exist. Be afraid, be very afraid”, she later wonders “now that I’m internet famous, do you think I can swindle some better looking richer guys to take me out?”
I hope so because ugh dating is a lot of work and sometimes this happens….that moment when you find out your date wants to talk & get to know you before they consent to dinner…Oh yea & that thing you do where you keep “checking in” with me to make sure I’m having a good time…yah, stop that.
This scheme sounds familiar. However, Erin has added a charming new facet to the ‘use people for expensive dinners’ scheme by going so far as to lie about being Christian or Jewish in order to lure wallets on sites like Christian Mingle and JDate:
These guys should feel honoured by this open invitation to date me.
HATERS GON HATE
Just what we needed – more proof that online dating is a crock of catfish. Good luck out there folks.
Welcome to Round Four! Basement Cat up there eagerly awaits your nominees for the following categories:
Worst White Knight
Most Ridiculous Bio/About Page
Biggest Social Media Fail
Most WTF Book Deal
The Lifetime GOMI Failchievement Award
I’ve decided these are the final categories for the GOMI awards about bloggers. For Round Five I’l be taking nominations for a special part of the awards – The Hammys. The Hammys will be your chance to nominate fellow GOMIers for things like best username, best gif, and so on, so look for that as tomorrow’s final round!
Matt, the poor beleaguered husband of KERF, is fighting back against the “jealous” people leaving negative yelp reviews about his chain bakery. Finally tired of the one-star avalanche befalling his company’s page he has at last responded - and the crux of his response basically boiled down to “omg trolls”:
I realize that my wife is has the minutest amount of celebritydom thanks to her blog. Who knew her fame was so great that it inspires the amount of jealousy required to take time to create a yelp profile, write a tale with oddly specific details, and leave one review (only one on the entirety of yelp? hmmm)?
He also took to his company facebook to solicit positive attention:
Nothing says professional like responding to yelp reviews with “my wife is famous so people are jealous”. LOL what?