Lifestyle Blogging

“Time Warp Wife” Wants You Women To Stop Tempting Men

Darlene, the “Time Warp Wife”, is tired of the modern world being the modern world, full of displays of flesh that constantly tempt every man. I mean her friend Lisa’s poor son can’t even go shopping:

Temptation can be found anywhere.

Even in Target.

Target? Yeah, I know. That’s what I thought too. Until one day we popped in to pick up some flip-flops for the summer and I remarked how he kept bumping into things.

What is your problem, Son??

“I’m just looking down, Mom,” And with a nod, he indicated the ads placed strategically above us. Billboards for the lingerie department. Yikes. I’d not seen them.

Disgusting, isn’t it? A retail store that sells bras and panties having displays right out in the store? She is even appalled at the women attending a Christian family camp because most of the women “were dressed for a hot summer day”:

I noticed a pretty girl nearby and wondered if she realized how difficult she was making it for a guy…She might have dressed differently. For his sake. For the sake of all the men out there who want to walk in purity.

Her commenters seem to agree that it’s the job of women to make sure men don’t have sinful mind sex with some woman who decides not to sweat through the summer heat, saying “It is also important, and rarely taught, that you are at risk as well by the way you dress”. Because obviously if you show any skin you are basically inviting a man to eyesex you.

I don’t care about anyone’s religious beliefs telling them how to dress, but I think it’s pretty offensive that the reason given here is less about Biblical text or tradition and more about men being perceived as lust filled animals who can’t be held responsible for their own thoughts or behaviors. Men are such simple, penis controlled creatures that it’s up to us women to make sure they can control their raging urges – because they can in no way be counted on to see a girl in a pair of shorts and not wonder how she is in the sack.

It’s just insulting to both sexes to imply that if a man has a sexual thought about a woman it’s because some woman left him no choice. Frankly I find this attitude to be one step away from “look at how she dressed, she was asking for it”.

  1. avatar little talks

    So much rape culture.
    But honestly, if I “knew” how “hard” I was making it for some random ass dude? Would I change?


    • avatar redagain

      It’s so hard. My brain is so delicate. Don’t you just wish you could go back in the time warp to when your male overseer husband guy got to control what you wore?

    • avatar pineapple salsa

      The exposed arms in this gif are too tempting – I demand that PP takes this down immediately.

    • avatar Debra

      Rape culture, yes! There is a myth floating around out there with these fundie nuts that “good girls” don’t get raped…and “good girls” cover up, so…sundress=you deserve rape. I wish we could slap the stupid out of these people.

      • avatar ghostrider

        agreed, if only it was possible to slap the stupid out of some people, or at least legal to attempt to do so.

    • avatar Hip Hopopotamus

      I’m culturally inept and have no idea what this is from but it is fabulous

      • avatar American Sausage in my English McMuffin

        The gif is from Bridesmaids.

  2. avatar Virginia Apple

    You’d think these people would be more in favour of homosexuality if women’s bodies are so sinful.

    • avatar evil dark squirrel

      It’s only okay if they are alter boys, remember?

      • avatar Girlattorney

        That is not my opinion, nor is it the opinion of any other Catholic I know, most of whom were appalled at learning the extent of sexual abuse in the church and disgusted at the way the church has addressed it. But I guess it’s okay to make fun of us all, right? (And I’m not even going to get into a debate about the difference between having a faith, of whatever stripe, and blindly ascribing to/endorsing/condoning Every Single Thing done by an organized church.)

        More on topic now, although I’m sure that there are some Catholics who subscribe to the “modesty movement” (or whatever these “If Only She Knew” folks call themselves), in 40 years of being Catholic and attending dozens of churches over the years (hey, we moved a lot), I have to say that I have NEVER heard anybody, man or woman, layperson or clergy, express sentiments like those espoused by “Time Warp Wife.”

        Signed, a Catholic lady wearing shorts and a tank top. Because it is HOT outside.

        • avatar Amaryllis

          If you continue to give money to the RCC and attend church and otherwise show your support, what are you saying about what happened, what was allowed, nay encouraged, to be done to innocent children?

          • avatar Llama Llama

            CO SIGNED.

          • avatar Saint Dorothy Mantooth

            Probably, “this is fucking awful so I’m going to stick around and make sure we hold ourselves accountable and make what restitution is possible.”

            If membership in an organization required deep-down supporting everything the organization did instead of trying to change it from the inside, every single American citizen, taxpayer, soldier, voter, member of political party, etc, would be hypocritical as hell.

            Everybody has their own line in the sand about when it’s untenable to stay, and that’s fine — and it’s fine to think somebody else’s line is too far. But you don’t get to say “Well secretly you love that then because you didn’t bail when I bailed.” I mean, you get to say it, all over the internet, in Klingon if you like, but your mindreading is probably on the fritz.

          • avatar blackkat


        • avatar A

          I think the main article made it clear that it doesn’t consider everyone like this.There are people that believe to some extend and have a logical mind (like you obviously) and there are others (like the lady that wrote this….post) that are narrow-minded and frankly…idiots. I am not here to judge anyone’s faith but I do have a strong opinion about her “beliefs”. I am pretty sure that even if we wore a burka men would still rape (they do after all in the muslim countries) and they would still be “tempted”. At some point people will have to accept that wanting sex is a chemical reaction hardwired to our brains. We will always have urges no matter how we dress. It’s not about provoking it’s about learning to control your freaking self. And to answer like she said it “If only he knew that MY MINI SKIRT AND MY SHORTS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM” (slutwalk movement)

  3. avatar Mockingbird

    She lost me at “walk in purity”, because I have no idea what that means, seeing as I’m dressed entirely inappropriately.

  4. avatar Mockingbird


    “If she only knew that the way she dressed up meant a good man needed to look down.”

    Fuck OFF, lady.

    • Isn’t he supposed to pluck out his sinning eyeballs? Get a spoon and scoop those suckers out, boy. On that note, are blind men more pure than sighted men? They don’t have any temptation to sin afterall.

      • avatar Mockingbird

        Interesting. Am I allowed to dress inappropriately around a good man if he’s blind?

    • avatar Expat A.Broad

      Right on. Christian fundies have been spouting this bullshit since I grew up in the cult (I mean church) 30 years ago.

      The thing is, it’s always the same, no matter what the fashion of the day, fundie women and girls are expected to cover themselves in almost the same way pioneers or mormon fundies do. And the reason they are told this is important is to not make men lust after them. Because of course it is the girl/woman’s responsibility to police the male brain.

  5. avatar burrito was bowl (formerly All-Carb Diet)

    That stock photo guy in her header looks suspiciously blissful. He must be jerking it.

    • avatar burrito was bowl (formerly All-Carb Diet)

      Oh, never mind. I clicked over and he’s holding a Bible. But he’s definitely having impure thoughts.

      • avatar Jo Bethersonton

        Some of that shit in Song of Solomon is pretty risque…

        • avatar Mockingbird

          Yeah, “While the king was at his table, my perfume spread its fragrance” doesn’t exactly scream pure intentions.

    • avatar Bene_Gesserit

      I thought he was too! “If she only knew….that I’m wanking to her….”

  6. avatar kelly gaura

    Dear Mom Obsessed With Your Teen Son’s “Purity”:

    Your son jacks off at least once a day. Probably more like ten times a day, as he is a teenager and his hormones are going berserk. And that’s the way God made him.

    Love, Internet Jezebel Who Believes In Healthy Sexual Urges

    • avatar WeeWillyWinkie

      Aw, poor kid. The whole Target scene reads like a modern day Frank McCourt memoir to me.

      • avatar California Mazens

        Yeah it’d fit right in with the scene where he jerks off in an ancient castle.

    • Right? Ask any man and he’ll tell you about his junior high sex fantasies starring some teacher who wore a neck-kerchief and a skirt down to the ground. Or Bugs Bunny dressed like a girl bunny (Party on, Garth).

      • avatar evil dark squirrel

        LOL my boyfriend told me he used to print out nudie pics he found online until his mom found them in his bedroom. I thought it was so hilarious…just printing out 8 1/2 x 11 sheets of paper

        • avatar StaceyMcGill

          A boyfriend told me the naked line drawings in like health textbooks did the trick. Heheh. Boys.

      • avatar rococcobang

        Trying to catch a glimpse of boobs on scrambled Skinemax made Mr. eejm most impure during his teen years.

      • avatar Jen X

        An ex- of mine said that something as simple as a girl bending over in front of him would do the trick — and that was fully clothed behind, at that.

  7. avatar Ham Dawber

    I’ll grant her that the average man, Christian or not, is pretty much ruled by his dick, but I’m also going to argue that he’s just as likely to imagine knocking boots with a woman in a chaste twin set and herringbone skirt as he is with one in a tank top and shorts. Cocks, they aren’t especially fussy about fashion. Wangs, when confronted with modest dress, don’t cease to be wangs, after all, and I’m fairly sure that’s in the Bible somewhere.

    • “And thusly Moses saweth the shapeless burqa and kneweth a woman was underneath; and his wang also knew”

      Hamlet Act II Scene 2

    • avatar designgirl

      My friend was wearing a turtleneck and long skirt, her skin was literally covered from chin to toe, and that didn’t stop a guy from trying to sexually assault her. This won’t stop until women are in burqas and even then a weak man trying to justify his behaviour will say that she was tempting him with her eye-sexing.

  8. avatar Tits McGee

    I’ll wear what I like and feel comfortable in. Teach your kid not to view women as merely slabs of meat, mmkay?? But what do I know? I’m just a harlot in a spaghetti strap sundress.

    • avatar Veronica Corningstone

      THIS! I refuse to understand why my skankiness should in ANY way sway your sons purity. If you have instilled, damn what are those pesky things that should guide us???? MORALS, those. If your son truly believes in the teachings that you have offered him, then he will keep his peen to himself. But please stop shaming your son about seeing a set of perky tits in Gillian O’Malley lingerie.

      PS, I am totally going to whore it up next time I am at Target, out of spite

      • avatar evil dark squirrel


      • avatar littledog

        But remember, it’s feminists who think all men are rapists who can’t control their urges.

  9. avatar JuliasTooSmallTutu

    Can’t this idiot realize that the world does not have to bend to her religious desires. Women are not obligated to cover up so her son won’t crank it to them.

    Although, he already is. All the time. And it’s ok!

  10. avatar Gypsy Mama

    All I could think while reading this was, “Wow, ok, so apparently THIS is how we teach men to be rapists.” All of the responsibility is on the woman because men are mindless animals who can’t help but fuck whatever visual stimulation walks in front of them.

    GMAFB, lady.

  11. avatar ginormica

    seriously, if your son can’t even handle walking next to underwear ads without bumping into stuff, you really should be teaching him to get his shit together somehow. what is he going to do when he’s out in the real world and actually has to interact with women?

  12. avatar Brianna

    “It is also important, and rarely taught, that you are at risk as well by the way you dress. If a young (or old) man looks upon you and has lust or commits adultery with you in his mind or personal body then you have just become joined to him spiritually because that is how sex works. You,too, are now guilty of sexual sin because you were the temptress who planted the seed of lust. This isn’t a popular concept today but it is truth from the Scriptures. Just remember that your choices and actions create ripples that can also pull you under.”

    Oh, wow. Awesome! Repeat after me – IT IS ALWAYS THE WOMAN’S FAULT. No matter what, if a man pops a woody after looking at you, YOU ARE PARTY TO HIS SIN. No mention if this works the other way around, I’m assuming not, because if a woman lists after a man, he would be blameless in his god given masculinity and it would guessed it! Her fault, again.

    • avatar burrito was bowl (formerly All-Carb Diet)

      The best part is “that is how sex works.” Yeah … you must have slept through health class in 5th grade because that is *not* how sex works … at all.

    • avatar Unadjusted Monitor

      But what if a gay man looks at a straight man with lust?

    • That makes about as much sense as this gif. tumblr_ltjuuwa17V1qhcesyo1_500.gif

    • Also… If lust means you are now spiritually joined to someone, does this mean I’m spiritually joined with Thor?

      Spiritually joined many times over?

      • avatar Bene_Gesserit

        You have excellent taste in men, but I’m claiming Loki

      • avatar ILoveDavidTennentSoMuch

        My husbands actual name is Thor. True story.

        • avatar amitygardens

          That is amazing. I am just imagining the possibilities.

          • My husband would be a lot less angry when I screamed out the wrong name in bed, I tell you what.

      • avatar wooop

        it’s me an wolverine then <3

        • avatar pineapple head

          I just got spiritually joined to David Tennant, that really hot guy that works in my building, the random guy on the subway and Jon Snow.
          I should probably send them a card to let them know.

          • avatar Say Rah

            I feel like such a spiritually joined slut.

          • avatar pineapple salsa

            I am so sorry, but I am already spiritually joined to Jon Snow. Mayhaps we could be spirit-sisters?

          • avatar TARDIS blue

            Fuck yeah, David Tennant. If this is how it works, then he must be spiritually liked to thousands upon thousands of men and women. Which, actually…is probably exactly how he wants it to be. :)

      • avatar Kitty Likes to Scratch

        New user name: Spiritually Joined.

        Also, this means I’m spiritually joined Robin Thicke AND that brunette model from his Blurred Lines video. In fact, I became spiritually joined to both of them at the same time. Does that mean we had a threesome?

      • Gratuitous or relevent? You be the judge:

      • avatar Geekery

        I’m spiritually joined to Michael Fassbender! Awwww yeeeeah!

      • avatar DanceChickenDance

        Hmm. I guess that means I’m spiritually joined to Richard Armitage. And his voice.

        And also Joe Manganiello.

        And Michael Fassbender.

        And Nikolaj Coster-Waldau.

        Does this make me a spiritual joining slut?

      • avatar Kat

        No claim yet on Captain America? Sweet because I definitely became spiritually joined with him when the camera panned up to his perfect ass in Avengers. I’m starting to like the way Darlene thinks.

    • avatar cramps

      “This isn’t a popular concept today but it is truth from the Scriptures”
      FUCK OFF! That is not the truth from the scriptures!
      Signed, educated Christian.

      • avatar ingenuous wench


      • avatar hashtag

        +1. my church doesn’t have any sort of dress code at all- it’s one of those “we’re just glad you’re here,” non-judgmental, beach community churches. I hope to God (seriously) this lady doesn’t find herself at one of our services- her son wouldn’t know what to do with himself.
        And as his mother, if she has such a problem with these temptations, maybe Target isn’t a good place to be shopping with him, with all of his uncontrollable urges and whatnot. Taking him past the lingerie aisle is practically like walking him into a strip club, for cripes’ sake. I mean, jeez, be responsible LADY.
        People like this give modern Christians a bad name.

    • avatar Kitty Likes to Scratch

      Oh, wow. Yeah. Her son is screwed.


    • avatar Hog Sloth

      What about the women in the lingerie ads? Can you be “spiritually joined” to someone through their photograph? Is it like having your soul stolen?

      • avatar Pollyjenna

        I have a fundamentally Christian friend who is not judgmental at all and very respectful of other peoples’ beliefs. (I, on the other hand, do tend to have this knee-jerk “fundamental=bad/uneducated” reaction, so she’s doing a better job of being open-minded than I am.) She and her fundamental husband plan to start a business for married Christian adults to shop for lingerie. The underwear will be put on mannequins so that Christians who wish to shop for underwear won’t have to look at “pornography,” such as the pornography found in Victoria’s Secret catalogs. The idea makes me giggle a bit in my head, but then I feel badly as she’s not judging me for all the shit that I do that she doesn’t agree with. But to answer you, based on what I’ve learned from this friend, yes.

  13. avatar Hip Hopopotamus

    Happy housewife 101. If your husband agrees to help you clean the garage, let him


    • avatar fishhead

      “Clean the mirrors with window cleaner until you can hear them laugh. ” Barf.

      • avatar Mockingbird

        “Print a condensed copy of this housekeeping schedule for your fridge or home-maintenance binder. ”

        Shit, I don’t keep a 3-ring binder for my wifely duties. I’m doing it wrong.

        • avatar Alice Roosevelt

          The three-ring binders for housekeeping aren’t just a Christian housewife thing. There’s an entire cult of domesticity that buys into the binders. Because if it’s in the binder, it’s like your house is a corporation and you’re the CEO!

          • avatar Say Rah

            Whenever I hear “CEO of the Home” my ears bleed.

          • avatar Mockingbird

            Hey, I’m not arguing that my home would most likely be a hell of a lot more presentable if I was running shit with a binder! I’m just too lazy.

    • avatar Uvabird

      “Make the Beds

      It only takes five minutes to make a bed. Five minutes goes a long way to making your family appreciate you.”

      Never mind her published research or the patients she treated during office hours or the overtime she put in so her offspring were able to attend another semester of college. Mom is not appreciated unless she makes the damn bed.

      Joan Rivers said it best
      Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the
      linoleum. “My God, the floor’s immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch.”

      • I worship at the altar of Joan Rivers.

        • avatar amitygardens

          This woman would be shocked to see the state of my house while my husband is still desperately in love with me, and incredibly attracted to me. Suck it.

          • avatar Amaryllis

            I vacuum when the rug is invisible beneath the dog hair. As I was vacuuming yesterday, my husband whined about having to pause the TV. Turned on, he was not.

            Should I have put on heels and pearls prior to vacuuming?

            • avatar StyckyWycket

              If he does not have the most turgid of housecleaning boners when you pull out the vacuum, you are clearly doin’ it wrong, girl.

              • avatar DrunkKitty

                If someone does not make Turgid Housecleaning Boner their new user name we are all doing it wrong.

              • avatar Mockingbird

                Just asked my husband if I could dust the living room and give him a turgid housecleaning boner.

                He looked at me like I’d said something in Klingon, then asked if he could play Gears of War.

              • Congratulations, you guys finally got me to register just so I could have this awesome username!

    • avatar CharDee MacDennis

      “My sister Betty always says, when the dishes and laundry are done a woman is happy,”

      *desk flip*

      • avatar NotThatKelly

        You know when this woman is happy?

        When the baby is asleep, and I have a nice glass of wine that I can enjoy.

        And something about my husband… sure… but not necessarily involving clean laundry or dishes, and I’m pretty sure a made up bed will no longer be an issue.

      • avatar The Old Bailey

        It’s true, though. Well it’s because my husband did them while I was on the couch with a beer. SUCKIT BETTY

        • avatar not THAT caitlin

          Amen. My marital bliss strategy is “I’m sorry, it’s dirty in here and you don’t like that? Then howsabout we both get off our asses and clean.” We both work and contribute to the bills, we both contribute to the mess, we both clean. Or we both hire a cleaning lady and cut back on the takeout.

          The first time and last time I got a “you don’t clean up enough” comment, he saw a side reserved exclusively for airline phone reservation agents and that one server who told me I was “pissing her off” when I went to the bar to refill my drink after 30 minutes of an empty glass.

      • avatar rococcobang

        By her “sister Betty,” I’m pretty sure she means Betty Draper, before she wised up, found out Don was cheating on her, and started picking off the neighbor’s pigeons with a cigarette dangling from her mouth. So that’s maybe not the best source on household management.

      • avatar Jo Bethersonton


        • avatar Hushyomouth

          May I steal this? I love it.
          Imma do it anyway.

    • Holy shit, this is depressing!

      The thought that this woman feels she is appreciated because of her bed making capabilities makes me shed a little tear. But hey, fuck her.

      I never cook or clean. My live in boyfriend makes the dinner every single night, even if I get in from work before him. Mean, I know, but I just cba. And he’s constantly tidying up after me. SHIT HE’S PROBABLY GOING TO LEAVE ME WHERE ARE THE MARIGOLDS?!

    • avatar maude lebowski

      Holy crap. Now I don’t only feel like a whore but now I feel like a lazy whore.

      Thank God my husband would rather hang out with me than do his own thing while waiting as I clean the house.

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