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Jon Armstrong, serial vagueblogger, is vagueblogging again. Shortly after helping his estranged wife reinvent her dying site, Mr. Dooce began posting his latest round of obtuse affirmations that sound like something ripped from an Oprah book club selection. Evidently that hasn’t gotten him enough e-hugs from the crowd of slobbering middle aged women in his comments, because he stepped it up to a full blown post of “huh?”
Slowly, ever slowly, I feel it coming on.
It has been a long time coming. And by long I mean at least a decade, probably more.
Affirmation: I define myself. No one else.
While I have to admit his post is amazing if you picture it being read by William Shatner, I’m confused by his constant “maybe I’m talking about Dooce, maybe I’m talking about Adult Swim, maybe I’m talking about my ska band” posts. And while he claims “I appreciate your desire to want to know more, but I’m not posting here for pageviews. I’m posting because I find a great deal of joy in sharing what I share” I think we can all agree that if that were the case, there wouldn’t be ads and an “order a print of my latest experiment in blur” link underneath every picture.
So are these vagueposts really just a cry for pageviews? Is he rattled after spending time with Dooce doing a redesign that about 50% of the world doesn’t like? Has he finally met someone new? And finally, why can’t bloggers just say what they mean instead of vagueblogging/vaguetweeting?
Those following the Doocevorce have some new Sad Jon fodder to parse and puzzle over. Shortly after Dooce instagrammed that a relaxing moment with a beer was “Missing only one ingredient for total perfection” and began posting love songs, Mr. Dooce crafted one of his trademark “14 year old girl on facebook makes you guess the meaning” posts:
I’ve learned a lot of things this year. Some good things and some not so good things. Some useful, some painful, some horrific. I’ve learned more about myself, about others, about truth, denial, hope, trust, fear and failure than I have in a long, long time.
He goes on to say there “has been pain galore. Deep, searing, awful pain…” Apparently he’s been travelling a lot since February in order to “escape” his pain, but instead it has “only given me distance to see even more clearly how awful things are”. He concludes his vaguepost by stating “Time to act on that truth”.
Mr. Dooce’s post is sparking speculation that the separation will now move into the divorce phase, but thanks to neither of them just saying what’s going on it is impossible to draw any fact-based conclusions. It could all just be coincidence that means nothing, or Mr. Dooce could be encouraging rumors for pageview$. Either way, it’s my opinion that if you aren’t just going to say what’s going on, don’t say anything at all.
Heather Armstrong, expert on bullying, is apparently up on the PanelPicker, where people go to vote on speakers or panels they would prefer to see at SXSW. The panel she is listed to share with another woman? “Dumb, Lonely & Fat: Dealing w/Internet Criticism“. The description claims:
Learn coping strategies and hear stories from the front line of internet criticism. Learn how to develop a thicker skin to confidently distribute your work. Join Heather Armstrong from dooce.com and Helen Jane Hearn from helenjane.com for a conversation that will leave you with practical tips for dealing with internet criticism.
That’s right: Dooce will be giving people advice on how to deal with internet criticism. Why would this be at SXSW anyway? That conference is basically a huge boozer full of people comparing their iphones and androids. This sort of ‘panel’ would get a better reception at something like BlogHer or IFB.
Honestly I hope this panel gets upvoted, because I would just love to see what line of bs Heather Armstrong comes up with in response to “What steps can I take after someone says something terrible about me online?” and “…what do I do when I’m ignored online?” It’s sure to be fantastic advice!
Have you always wanted to wander the hallowed home of Heather Armstrong? Well now you can!
STATELY BRICK TRADITIONAL ON TREE FILLED LOT IN FEDERAL HEIGHTS! TERRIFIC FLOOR PLAN INCLUDES LARGE KITCHEN, DINING, AND FAMILY ROOM AREAS, WALK IN PANTRY, FORMAL DINING AND LIVING ROOMS, FINISHED ATTIC SPACE IS IDEAL FOR HOME OFFICE, STUDIO, OR GUEST RETREAT, HARDWOODS FLOORS THROUGHOUT, ALL BATHROOMS ARE BEAUTIFULLY UPDATED WITH TRAVERTINE TILE AND CLASSY FIXTURES, PLENTY OF STORAGE, 2 LAUNDRY ROOMS, DOUBLE STAIRCASES. GRAND MASTER BEDROOM, BATHROOM AND CLOSET SPACE. PRIVATE YARD AND OUTDOOR PATIO AREA. NEWER MECHANICAL SYSTEMS AND NEW ROOF. THERE IS ROOM FOR EVERYONE TO LIVE AND ENTERTAIN! CLASSIC STYLE WITH A CONTEMPORARY FLAIR.
The 11,126 sq. ft., 9 bedroom 9 bath home is listed for $1,595,000. Does this mean the divorce is close to being final?
Heather Armstrong, valedictorian of everything, apparently went to Wyoming for some family thing. Per her cycle of emotional breakdown -> all better now, she first informed us that she had “walked right up to the window of a nervous breakdown and saw exactly what it looked like inside. It’s a shithole. And it’s scary as hell”…and then posted that after not sleeping for three days, a night of sleep has solved all her problems:
I can see straight! The world isn’t going to end! I mean, at least not today. It will at some point just as the Book of Revelation predicted, BUT NOT TODAY! However, even if I looked out my window and the moon had turned to blood or whatever that crazy person who wrote that book said was going to happen, I’d be like, RAD.BLOOOOOOOD!
Yeah that sounds rational and not at all overly dramatic and overblown. If a woman with a million resources at her disposal that would allow her to grab a nap wants to try and convince me that she went long enough without sleep to induce a post about how her “life is coming apart at the seams”, she’s going to have to try a lot harder. I mean, supposedly Cami went with her…wtf was she doing that she couldn’t take the kids and let Heather sleep for a few hours?
Anyway, Dooce then tells us that she has been going back for post-graduate therapy:
So. Therapy. I have been back a few times in the past several months just to talk through some hurdles. I’m not so stubborn as to ignore that option, not after the years of what I’ve already worked through and what I’ve learned.
Evidently one of the skills her therapist has had her work on “for years” is “being able to say out loud, “I cannot do this.”" She has spent grillions of hours in therapy to figure out that she’s “not Superman” and can’t do it all! Is she seriously complaining about how overloaded her life is again? To the point where she needs to pay someone to sit there and say “let’s do some exercises on how to say ‘no, I can’t do a post today’”? Come on. It’s great that she hasn’t closed the door on therapy, but sometimes there is a point where therapy is just you paying someone to reaffirm for you that you’re screwed up.
Look, we are sick of these posts, Heather. You have a compliment of people, paid and otherwise, who seem pretty willing to handle most of your life and business for you. Your only job is to exaggerate some banal story about your life and post it to the internets, and to do various appearances. Your actual responsibilities on a day to day basis for the last 4 years appear to be at an irreducible minimum. If you think this lifestyle is worthy of your constant whining, then by all means continue to complain. But honestly this “exhausted mentally screwed up somuchworkomg newly single mom” persona is getting really old and sounding really forced already.