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Heather Armstrong, not that kind of mommyblogger, threw a surprisingly normal and adorable birthday party for her 3 year old. There was Costco food and a regular old sheet cake, bubble machine toys, friends and family. It was all very average and not all twee mommy blogger, as Dooce Vader reminded us several times.
It seemed like a pleasant day that could have been turned into a pleasant post about her pleasant life. Instead, true to form, El Dooce took the opportunity to make passive aggressive digs at her detractors:
My gift to her was a piñata, and because I know nothing about piñatas I had to trust Tyrant’s judgment. He’s half Mexican, so, you know, he learned how to hit a piñata before the doctor cut his umbilical cord. OH! PLEASE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. Please tell me that I’m being insensitive and that I should know better. Because when it comes to Weimaraners and Mexicans I AM OUT OF CONTROL!
She continued her sarcastic attempt at humor with a bizarre reaction to the suggestion that quarters be placed into the pinata:
And then Tyrant says, “We should throw in a few rolls of quarters.”
The? A few rolls of quarters? Those things would come flying out of that piñata, hit a kid in the head and knock him out. MEXICANS ARE MURDERERS!
Now I’m sure ole Dooce was trying to stave off any comments that she is culturally insensitive by pre-emptively taking pot shots at herself. But was there really a need for that? Is this simply her writing style, and I just don’t get the joke? Because it doesn’t come off as hilariously self-deprecating, it comes off as being defensive on the offense. Was she really that worried that people would make comments about getting her kid a pinata for her party?
I honestly can’t tell anymore if she’s just trying to goad people into starting crap with her to prop up her dying blog, or if she’s really that insecure and sensitive to any remarks about anything she does. If it’s the former perhaps she should cut to the chase and start spilling about the separation – as one GOMIer said, “That’s all people care about. Juicy details will bring the clicks.” If it’s the latter then maybe she should start considering a different career already before she runs off the readers she has left with her increasingly bitter defensiveness.
Readers initially rejoiced when Dooce, requires two employees, posted a mildly interesting and almost amusing post about helicopters or something:
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Why, my goodness! This post seemed to have some effort behind it! Readers held their breath thinking finally the old Dooce was returning. Turns out the old Dooce was returning…just not the way folks had hoped. The post had the feel of the Dooce of olden days because it IS a post from the olden days – September 18, 2006 to be exact.
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With no disclaimer in the recent edit of the post, some readers apparently just assumed this was a fresh post. Especially since the original version, while still listed in the archives, has been deleted. It’s very confusing, honestly; if the edit was done in order to remove her estranged husband’s name why not just edit the original, and post another archived post with no mention of him? Why not just post an actual fresh post? Or is this actually a brand new event that is startlingly exactly like an event from 6 years ago? Maybe Dooce just lives in a broken version of the Matrix, and is now starting to actually re-experience previous things?
Honestly I wish someone would explain this to me because this is terribly wtf.
Katrillionaire mommy blogger Dooce, don’t call her a mommy blogger, is once again reposting archives because she is “currently out of town on business, so for the next few days I’m going to post some things from my archives that many of you have probably never seen.”
Wait…again??? Look, I get that she’s supporting her friends and estranged husband and her two little Fallback Contents. But isn’t her blog her job? Or is she really going to try and make a go of being some kind of video star? Nobody is begrudging her some success; but if she is now frequently going to be too busy jetting around the country to produce content for the vehicle that actually makes her life possible, maybe she needs to take on some guest writers. I’m sure there are drooling sycophants lined up around the block wanting to post their content on Dooce – for free, even!
All this archive posting does is highlight what a nosedive in quality her blog has taken the last two years. It’s like when 50 year old rock stars try to go on tour to perform the 6 songs they are famous for. Thanks for the memories, but all the audience is doing is comparing you to your previous quality. Sometimes it’s best not to remind people of how awesome you USED to be, lady.
How am I doing? Well, I asked you first. But if you really want to know, I’m hanging in there. What does that mean? Hm. I guess I’m doing okay. I’m focusing on today, this hour, this word. I try not to think about tomorrow or the day after that because sometimes when I lift my eyes and stare straight ahead I see miles and miles of fire. Flames stretching so far that they hide the entire sky. I see waves of terrifying, oppressive heat spilling out across every inch of ground in front of me. And then panic swells in my lungs, that old familiar rush of anxiety and dread and certainty that the world is going to fall apart. So I look back down at my hands, at this word. And this word. And this one. And everything is okay.
Right now I know which end is up. This end, this one right here. This is up.
Um…yeah…she sounds totally fine. That week off really refreshed her, clearly. Now I’m not some regular, long time reader of “Mommy Doocest” so someone help me out – is this sort of post normal for her? Because maybe I’m just a boring person without enough emotional turmoil to consider this totally normal and “ok”. From where I sit it sounds like the woman is going completely crackers in slow motion.
I am curious to know what her estranged husband, father of the children still living with her, thinks when he reads posts like this. I like to think he hops in his car and drives over to offer to watch those kids for a few days. Let’s hope.
In an announcement whose time came long ago, Dooce is at last stepping away from her keyboard:
My well is totally dry. I’m just… spent. Physically. Emotionally…I need to take a break before I surrender to the exhaustion. I need to fill up my tank so that I can give more to my family and find more moments of peace. My girls deserve that…
She defends the constant reblogging pics of her bff Cami (despite her readers saying “enough of Cami already”) by claiming “they make me happy”, and says that “making playlists have been my therapy”. She then complains about how haaaaaaaaaaaard it is to be Dooce.
I know it seems like I’m just posting a picture or two here, a written post there, a link to a video. But there is so much more going on behind the scenes that I’m having a hard time keeping my head above water.
Ok correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t she have like…2 people she pays to do “behind the scenes” stuff FOR her? What’s wrong, is Jon no longer being her 24 hour on call web admin beyotch? Is she having to open her own mail now? Are the lawyers having a hard time dividing up the assets? Is she tired of the kids asking where’s daddy?? What? Specifics, woman, we need them, otherwise you don’t get to complain when we theorize and assume things.
Anyway, after some paddling in her pity canoe up the river of Woe Is Me, she finally gets to the point:
All of this is to tell you that I’m going to take a little breather for the next week. I’ll still be posting photos of the things that bring me joy, but in terms of written posts I’m going to pull some things from the eleven years of archives I have sitting around.
So basically Dooce readers can look forward to a week of Reblogging Cami and recycled posts while Heather makes playlists – and hopefully re-evaluates why it is she is still doing this. Maybe it’s time to retire the blog and just write books, or move on to consulting already, lady. When the well dries up you dig a new well, you don’t take a week off and hope the water table magically changes. I mean, I understand that she feels obligated to continue her site because she uses it to ”support not only my family but two employees who use this job to pay their rent”, but maybe it’s time to lose extra expenditures and switch careers.
At least she is finally acknowledging she needs to step away from Dooce.com, if only temporarily.