Meanwhile, Around Twitter

First we get an example of cookbook author Gluten Free Girl‘s baking methods:

I’m not what you would call “a person who cooks”, but I’m fairly certain that “it varies” and “stick in oven and keep checking until it seems done” makes for a pretty shitty recipe. Shauna, there’s a reason people mock you and your cookbooks, and this is why.

Elsewhere Jessica Quirk, whose full-time What I Wore blog continues its slide into obscurity, posted this weirdly worded tweet:

Obviously she could be saying she has had a bad period of time spanning the last 24 hours. Taking into account Messica’s talents as a writer, we should probably not assume she’s complaining about a heavy flow or cramps.

And finally Tina, of Carrots N Cake fame, has finally scaled the summit of consumer perfection:

I don’t know what to say about this, other than it seems weird to call a sweater dress the ‘most important’ anything.

I should really stop checking twitter. The more I look around the more wtf I find.

  1. avatar mooch

    I wish my period only lasted 24 hours. Ha!

  2. avatar dogsandmovies

    Carrots N Cake makes me feel like this more often than not

    • avatar dogsandmovies

      Derp, I just meant to post the Futurama Meme!

      • avatar KathsBears

        Well, CNC seems to think pizza is a veggie so it’s fitting.

  3. avatar luna

    The way CNC phones it in, you’d think she was taking lessons from Messica.

  4. Such a Captain Obvious tweet. Really? Check it until it’s done? Generally that’s AFTER some detailed cooking times. But I’m so sorry, so fat, so I clearly don’t cook and just eat Cheetos all day in my PJ pants before going out with orange dust on my Hane’s v-neck

  5. avatar Super_Nintendo_Chalmers

    I hate when people tell me to “check until it’s done.” I like having specific numbers to work with, and this whole “oh just check until the dish is cooked” crap just pisses me off. I have shit to do, just give me a good estimate of how long this will take.

    • I’m the same way. If it says something like, “20-25 minutes or until golden brown,” I’m fine with that, because ovens are different. That at least gives me an estimated time frame and a way to tell if it’s done.

      • avatar melondrama doesn't even have a blog

        The thing is, those instructions give you a sign that it’s done while appreciating the fact that the oven, the baker’s altitude, moisture in the air, etc. all affect how long something will take to bake.

        Is it done when it’s…
        golden brown?
        burned to a crisp?
        pulling away from the pan?
        tweaking your nipples and calling you Daddy?

        “It’s done when it’s done” is unhelpful, circular logic. But I would expect nothing less from Shauna “I pimp out foster kids on Instagram” Ahern.

  6. avatar Porkchop

    In fairness to GFG though, there can be quite a bit of variation from one oven to the next – like, 20 minutes in my oven might be fine but 20 minutes in my parents’ oven or my friend’s oven is totally different. If it’s a recipe that has a really quick turning point (i.e. goes from not done, to done, to overdone really quickly) I think these instructions are pretty valid.

    I’ve never read GFG so I’ll trust you guys that her blogging/cookbook-writing skillz are not great…but depending on the recipe, I feel like these instructions might make sense…

    • avatar Gluten-Free Cat Lady

      GFG is the worst and I was offended that anyone linked me to her site after I was diagnosed with celiac, and more offended that her writing turns up everywhere – Serious Eats, Allergic Living, etc. I don’t need to read 10 paragraphs about just. breathing. imagining. to make some mediocre food! She once wrote an entry for gluten-free Tuesday on Serious Eats about pomegranates. Not pomegranate recipes, just that she loves the shit out of pomegranates and that fruit is naturally gluten-free.

    • avatar Albie Quirky (No Relation!)

      Nah, all of her instructions are shitty. And not being able to give a ballpark range at all is shitty, even for gluten-free bread baking.

    • avatar DoNotDisturb

      What a cooker-chef should have said…

      “All ovens vary, so what I recommend is that you check the internal temperature of the bread after 20 minutes. At XX the bread is usually done. That will give you a benchmark for next time.”

      Clearly I should write a book.

      • avatar zandra

        And if people don’t have the time to continually check their oven to see if it’s cooked properly after 20 minutes, they sure as shit ain’t gonna have time/energy to check the internal temperature of the bread.

        • avatar DoNotDisturb

          Completely agree. The time that cooker-chef GFG should suggest you check the internal temp has to be pretty close to when the bread is actually done. “The bread usually takes 25 minutes, but check it at 20 minutes since times vary per oven.” Baking is relatively precise.

          Who are the fools publishing this crap? Quirky’s “the shorter the skirt the lower the heels” advice. GFG’s cross your fingers baking tips. And this cookbook is a NYTimes top 10 rec??

          This is why I avoid reading.

        • avatar DoNotDisturb

          “Bake until the outside of the rolls are crusty, the bottom has a good hollow thump when tapped, and the internal temperature has reached at least 180°”

          When does this thumping and 180 occur? 20 minutes? 40?

          • avatar zandra

            *face palm*

            I thought it was just the tweet people were picking to pieces, but it’s small slice of a DURRR pie. Gluten-free, natch.

  7. avatar Porkchop

    …that being said, some general time frame like “it should take about 25 mins total” would be EXTREMELY helpful…

    • avatar Albie Quirky (No Relation!)

      Exactly. “It can take between 20 and 30 minutes, depending on your oven, so start checking for doneness after 20 minutes” is how to manage that.

    • avatar zandra

      Blergh, but she said around 20 minutes… she had 140 characters to work with so I don’t see what the big deal is that she didn’t write several tweets about oven temp etc.

      There are so many more awful things about this woman than this one vague, slightly unhelpful tweet.

  8. avatar etphonehome


    I actually like this look, its the best I think this dress has been styled yet.

    Still, she posts WAY TOO MANY pics. It’s like “I like this look… wow that pic is kinda fug though… that one too” Stop while you’re ahead! Post the most flattering pics, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing that on a style blog.

    • She needs to STFU with her “omg diane keaton!!” crap, like she discovered her films or is the first person to be inspired by her style. Yes, we ALL know that her last name is Hall– HELLO ANNIE HALL IS ABOUT HER AND WOODY ALLEN’S REAL LIFE RELATIONSHIP DURRRRR.

      this pose is idiotic:

      • avatar JFA

        I think that pose might be the silliest post she had ever posted, and that is saying A LOT. What a stupid ass.

      • avatar Super_Nintendo_Chalmers

        She does that because she thinks it fits in with her OMG VINTAGE schtick.

      • avatar JFA

        Also I know she is super into her OMG SO LONG THIN legs, but she looks demented here. Like 7 feet tall not in a good way.

      • avatar featherbrained

        Park stilt walker!

        Also, face palm, at her title “La Ti Da.

      • avatar Glynis

        This pic is COMEDY GOLD. Can’t stop laughing.

      • avatar W2BW

        What an insult to Diane Keaton. Messi WISHES she dressed like her. Another epic fail. I don’t know why she keeps on trying…

    • avatar Shrug Bitch

      The title of this post was “La Ti Da.” That says it all.

    • avatar JFA

      I hate this but I think that dress is horrendous. Also think those boots are not a good choice. And here she goes pulling out the leather gloves. Wait for the magenta ones to appear and then she will never stop wearing them.

      That hat is doing her no favors.

      • avatar zandra

        Agree with ALL of this… that dress was just never meant to be.

    • avatar Top Knot

      Thank peacoat looks so cheap. Oh wait, cause it is.

    • avatar Sponsor Magnet Blog Content Tunacube Stretch

      Look, I’m normally the one to defend her looks but this one is a massive pile of stilted no.

    • avatar Babby Forming, Despite Life-Threatening Heels

      Stop trying to make that dress happen! Christ!

      • avatar cakeisalie

        This outfit does not remind me of Annie Hall at all. It just looks like she got cold outside and put on a hat, coat, and gloves.
        Messica you’re trying to hard.

      • avatar zandra

        Ugh, I know right?!

        It was fugly then and *breaking news* yep, it’s still fugly now.

    • avatar Albie Quirky (No Relation!)

      The best way to style that dress would be to rip it into tiny shreds and make a rag rug out of it. It looks like ass on everyone.

  9. avatar MarySunshine

    I just took “the most important dump of my life”

    • avatar self help

      VID, very important dump.

    • avatar Sponsor Magnet Blog Content Tunacube Stretch

      Dead. Dying. Poop updates are all twitter is good for.

  10. avatar GetMePizzaYouOldTroll

    speaking of twitter, Jordan blocked me.

    back when her baby was a few days old, she tweeted about taking him out to brunch! for! the! first! time!

    i responded: good job taking your day(s) old baby out in public during flu season!

    • avatar self help

      She’s a moron.

      • avatar JFA

        She really is.

      • avatar Babby Forming, Despite Life-Threatening Heels

        She is Maximum Moronicus. Did you see the post about what to wear to an interview? And she had JEANS on there. JEANS.

        Later, she amended it to make it more appropriate after I guess someone in the comments said they were in HR and would never consider hiring anyone who wore jeans to an interview.

        Jordumb was like “Woops, I like to underdress”

        WAY TO GO, CHAMP.

        • avatar zc

          Why was she giving interview advice? I wouldn’t take interview advice from an unemployed SAHM, especially when her only “real” job was given to her because it was her mom’s company? (or something like that, right?)

          What an idiot.

        • avatar New Year New You

          That post was ridiculous. “I’ve only ever had one job that my mom got for me, and I used to get criticized at that job for how I dress, but let me tell you what to wear to an interview.”
          Jeans, see through tops, and great big gaudy jewelry. To an interview. Fucking moron, doesn’t even cut it.

          • avatar Babby Forming, Despite Life-Threatening Heels

            YES!! Hi, you’ve had ONE JOB, like, EVER.

            Ugh with her. UGH.

        • avatar Amy

          I know, I read that post too. She’s like “HERE’S MY AWESOME ADVICE! WHOOPS IT SUCKED? DON’T ASK ME, I’M JUST A BLAWGER!!!!”

    • avatar Top Knot

      Baby = accessory

    • avatar Expert Gay

      Isn’t flu season all winter? Is she supposed to keep her baby cloistered in the house until March? My mother took me into the subway station when I was a week or two old, in November, and got chewed out by a stranger. Yeah, maybe my mom should have been more careful, but I was fine.

      What I really disapprove of is Jordan’s decision to take her newborn to a restaurant, where he will almost certainly annoy the other patrons with his wails.

      • avatar KAS

        Brand new babies don’t really cry that much, they mostly sleep. After a few weeks is when they really start crying.

      • I don’t see a problem with taking him with them to brunch at this age, either.

        • avatar featherbrained

          Me either. Honestly, make some would avoid taking their newborns out, but I don’t think it’s a bad decision…

          I totes would have done it. She seems to be really enjoying motherhood and the babe and I’m happy for her.

        • avatar Top Knot

          To be honest, I don’t either. My problem is that I just cannot take this chick seriously as a mother. It’s like she goes out of her way to PROVE that her life will go on just as it did before, brunch! date night! stripper heels! highlights! blah blah blah. Do whatever you want, just shut up about it.

      • I don’t either. Almost everyone I know has taken their babies out not long after being born.

      • avatar Abbie

        I think the whole “not taking your baby out when it is a newborn” thing more applies to babies who have weaker immune systems such those born prematurely.

        • avatar BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot.

          Or they’re not baptized yet. It’s true!

      • avatar JFA

        I don’t know TOO many ppl with babies, but my cousin has two, is not the most paranoid mother or anything, and I know she waited at least a week or two? Before taking them really outside or especially to like, malls and stuff. I wouldn’t do it.

        • Babies actually have a stronger immune system right after birth than they do later on, because they still have a high level of their mother’s antibodies.

      • avatar Emotional Hooker

        I was born in January, and my parents took me to a superbowl party when I was 5 days old. 25 years later, I’m totally fucking fine.

        People freak out way too much about babies/cold/illness/etc.

        • avatar Top Knot

          And rain. The other mothers act like its acid.

        • avatar NC

          Seriously. The way people lose their shit nowadays one would think more than half the people that were born and grew up through the 80′s would be dead.

          • avatar Cindy McCains Medicine Cabinet

            Not to mention our parents and grandparents! All of my grandparents made it into their nineties and lived in Pittsburgh during the times the air was so bad that streetlights were on all the time. Not like we should go back to these days, but come on, people. Shit used to be worse. Your kid is gonna be OK.

          • avatar Expert Gay

            My mother slipped on an icy street and fell on top of me when I was a few months old. It’s possible that I suffered massive brain damage I don’t even know about, but I’m pretty sure I’m fine. I love telling that story, though, because I can claim to have been “dropped on my head as a baby.”

        • avatar Cindy McCains Medicine Cabinet

          The people who really annoy me are the germaphobes when they’re pregnant/with their baby. “I’m pregnant, don’t breathe in my air space!” “I have a baby here, could you give me a square mile so you don’t help to strengthen my baby’s immune system or anything!”

          • avatar KAS

            I have a bitchy cousin (by marriage, not blood), and she had her days-old baby at the family gathering last Christmas, and my Mom leaned over to look at her, and she said, YOU SOUND SICK and hurried to cover the baby’s face. I know, cool story bro, I just like to talk about how bitchy she is. Because she is.

          • avatar washed up

            I feel that. My bitchy cousin shrieked at me to REFRAIN FROM BREATHING ON HER BABY. I’m sorry, what?

          • avatar KAS

            Bitchy cousins can go to hell. I’m breathing all over her damn baby this year.

          • avatar Viol-ate (formally Snow)

            You mean, like That Wife

          • avatar floppy

            God forbid someone with actual child rearing experience even looks at her precious spawn. Stupid bitches.

  11. avatar Cindy McCain's Medicine Cabinet

    Yes. Breathe. Imagine. Bake? Until done.

    How did this woman come to believe that she was qualified to give out recipes and advice on cooking and baking? And how did this woman get a cookbook deal?!

    And I’d actually love to know more about this very important sweater dress. What in the hell is it about a dress that you can call it your MOST IMPORTANT sweater dress OF YOUR LIFE?

    • avatar Shrug Bitch

      She’s popular the same reason Kathbecca is – she started blogging early enough and in a small enough field that just by posting every day she became an “expert” by default.

  12. avatar Megling

    merciful heavens, “keep checking your bread till it’s done”? Even with varying oven times this is inane advice, and if you have a cookbook deal write your GD recipes with an awareness of varying oven times. “20-30 minutes”, “until golden brown outside”, until it sounds hollow when tapped”. THESE are approximate instructions, not keep checking your bread.
    Isn’t her husband a chef? shouldn’t he know this shit?

    • avatar JFA

      I’m a very rudimentary cook and even I know that is retarded advice.

    • avatar self help

      This baffles me, particularly because it’s a bread recipe. Baking bread is like a science. One wrong move and BAM!, your bread is fucked.

      • avatar Convenient Feminist

        Man, is that true. Water too warm when you add it to the yeast/flour mix? You will end up with a very lovely rosemary-roasted garlic brick.

  13. avatar floppy

    Chinnica Queef’s interview on (wtf “GURL”??? are these12 year old fuckers serious?)

    2. If you could only have one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
    I thought about this one a lot. My key food groups are eggs, potatoes, and soft cheeses. I also like peanut butter, cheese burgers, bread (French!), and avocados. Ok, so that’s like… 7 foods. I cannot narrow down further.

    *FRAWNCH Y’ALL, I’VE BEEN TO PAIREEE LAHK FOUR TAHMS! THAT MAKES ME 1/9,252TH FRANCE!!! Oh and she doesn’t know what food “groups” are, lol stupid asshole.

    4. What’s something you’ve always wanted that you’ve never gotten?
    I feel pretty damn grateful with what I’ve already managed in life. Rad husband, cool parents (I didn’t even have to seek that one out!), a totally awesome day “job” and a naturally optimistic outlook. These are good things. Everything else is a bonus.

    *ok so even chinnica burgerqueef knows it’s not really a job!

    5. What’s your secret nickname?
    I wish I had one!! The best I ever get is “Jess”, which is more about being lazy than endearing. But can I tell you my favorite nicknames for other people/things? ….

    *YOU KNOW WHY YOU ONLY GET “JESS”? BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE PERSONALITY OF A PLASTIC SPOON. But wait, we call you Messica here, that’s a secret nickname you should have shared to the tweens.

    • avatar cakeisalie

      10. Describe the high school you in 3 words.
      Definitely. Not. Popular.

      I think it sums up why she really started her blog. So she can be popular on the internet.

      • avatar NC

        It also explains why she’s such a passive aggressive bitch. Seems Messi still has a bit of chip on her soldier about not being popular in HS. Get over it.

        • avatar NC

          SHOULDER. Though she could have a chip on her soldier too I guess.

      • avatar Amy

        Wasn’t she a skinny blond cheerleader? I mean, you gotta try pretty hard to fuck that up.

        Or she’s just full of shit. (My money’s on the latter… Indiana sorority girl.)

        • avatar Bizzy

          Nope! She was definitely unpopular in the sorority. Had one friend and there was talk about her being a big mistake.

          • avatar Viol-ate (formally Snow)

            Oh! I’m intrigued.

          • avatar Amy

            . . . continue. I got a case ‘o the nosy’s.

          • avatar Bizzy

            Well, she was fairly unpopular right from the start as she was loud and rude. She only had one friend in the entire house (of over 100) and never went out to the bars with everyone. She also had TERRIBLE fashion sense. Finally, she was in charge of some recruitment thing, and there was a move to have her removed from that position. This left her shell-shocked. Oh, sorority politics! I can’t reveal my sources, but there were talks about it being a mistake letting her in the house.

          • avatar Bizzy

            And by “there were talks”, I mean multiple discussions.

      • avatar Hater Face

        I would love for a blogger to come out and say “I WAS POPULAR in high school.”

    • avatar Shrug Bitch

      Holy shit I cannot believe is still around – I remember registering my profile through them after reading about it in Alloy or Delias or something.

      • avatar melondrama doesn't even have a blog

        I was waaaay into when I was 14/15. There was a lively back channel of sex talk. I remember reading masturbation advice from a 17-year-old girl (so old and wise!) who mentioned her boyfriend (OMG!). There was also a chat room where OMGBOYS would come to flirt with us teenage girls. Ah, good times.

        • avatar tonyamichaela

          Yeah, I loved when I was in middle school too. I was endlessly fascinated with the quizzes, the paper doll games, and the really sick zit-popping game (gag!).

          • avatar Hater Face

            I feel like there will be a growing market for nostalgic girl web designers in a few years.

      • avatar windupbirdee

        omg me too!! i was in my personal webpage phase and built it through good to know that it’s still around…? lol.

      • avatar usernametaken

        I know, right? My very first website was through them back in ’98 or ’99.

    • avatar New Year New You

      FRAWNCH BREAD! Le pain du Frawnch! Ma baguette est tres chic. Oooh la la.

      Gurl, shove a baguette down your cake hole and zip it with the French shit.

    • avatar JFA

      No wonder she’s gained 20 pounds. Cheese bread and potatoes are three of your fave food groups?

      Also, shut up about your husband no one cares. I can’t wait til these two divorce already. Also who are you fucking kidding your outlook is positive? That’s why you’re such a passive aggressive bitch to your readers and anyone who doesn’t agree with you? That’s why you can’t handle an ounce of criticism?

      How far up her own ass is this chick’s head?

      • Not only are her favorite foods fatty/carby/lacking overall nutrition, but they are BLAND. Potatoes, really? JQ had to point out she likes Made in French bread so as to seem classy. [Not that everyone has to eat kale and quinoa and heirloom tomatoes-- I like cheese and peanut butter too, but I don't eat them everyday, nor would I single them as my ultimate desert island foods]

        • avatar NC

          This reminds me when I asked my sister what her favorite foods are and she very seriously said “ketchup and frosting”. And I said, “Are you 8 – wtf ketchup and frosting!?” But then my answer to the same questions was french fries (FRENCH). I guess we are both 8. While I don’t eat french fries everyday – I do eat a lot of cheese. This comment has no point.

          • avatar Cindy McCains Medicine Cabinet

            Mmm cheese. This comment has no point either, but I saw the word cheese and felt compelled to comment on my love of cheese as well. And thank the lords I’m not a housewife married to a Polish Mormon control freak who locks up my cheese of course!

      • avatar Cindy McCains Medicine Cabinet

        I seriously hate these positivity freaks. It’s fine to be an optimist (it’s not really my nature, but I’ll never deny the fact that I’m a cynical bitch), but these people spend so much time trying to show off how wonderful and perfect their lives are – ugh, fuck off. Your pictures, blog and tweets are telling a way different story.

    • avatar Hater Face started in 1998-ish. Give them a break!

      Nostalgia here–they hosted my first website! Gurlpages forever!

    • avatar Hater Face

      EWWW Fat fat and more fat are her favorite foods.

    • avatar the devil wears c/o kate spade

      BAHAHAHA her fave food GROUPS are “eggs, potatoes and soft cheeses.” I feel comfortable enough here to tell you all that I nearly pissed myself reading that one.

      cheese burgers.

      • avatar Hater Face

        She’s not too far off considering pizza is now a vegetable.

      • avatar zandra

        God she’s a moron!

        My favourite food group is chicken.

    • avatar Amy

      It’s like a hoodie with ruffle sleeves. Adores.

      It’s like a hoodie with ruffle sleeves. Adores.

      It’s like a hoodie with ruffle sleeves. Adores.

      It’s like a hoodie with ruffle sleeves. Adores.

      It’s like a hoodie with ruffle sleeves. Adores.

      It’s like a hoodie with ruffle sleeves. Adores.

      It’s like a hoodie with ruffle sleeves. Adores.


    • avatar Amy

      Okay, and seriously?

      “1. What’s your worst date story?
      Hmmm… I actually have a theory that all dates are good dates because a) they are good or b) they are so bad they make a GREAT story.”

      Um… THEN TELL ONE?

    • avatar epitomeofintlglamour

      To be fair, I think they use “gURL” as a reference to reference “uniform resource locator”…just like Hotmail used to be HoTMaiL (HTML, since it was one of the first web-based email services). Ah, the ’90s…

      • avatar Hater Face

        LOL I never realized about Hotmail!

        Ah, childhood memories.

        • avatar Cindy McCains Medicine Cabinet

          Me neither! Aww, my first email address. * tear *

    • avatar windupbirdee

      wtf…she doesn’t answer most of the questions. also, what kind of stupid ass advice is this: “Clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose.”

      you know what the best advice i got was? HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE. jfc, pick up a book -.-

      • avatar Lionel is the REAL Messi

        The Clear Eyes, Full Hearts line is a catchphrase on Friday Night Lights, it’s the motto of the football team the show was about.

        And take it from me, it sounds MUCH better coming from Kyle Chandler with a Texan accent.

    • avatar hashtag

      Jessica’s vocabulary includes “RAD,” BONES,” and “SHIZ.” She’s so fucking lame.

      • avatar floppy

        Totally lame.


        • avatar Meme

          I can’t stop watching this GIF – it’s so gross. I also can’t figure out WHICH housewife of Beverly Hills it is! Plastic surgery much?

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