Food Blogging

Mary Rambin Will Help You Get Drunk On Airplanes

Mary Rambin, hates airports, is no longer just complaining about airport food. Now she’s moved on to complaining about the quality of wine offered on airplanes.

Nine times out of ten, the wine they serve on airplanes (especially in coach) tastes like rubbing alcohol and gives you a headache after only one little bottle.  Can you tweet #notworthit?

Maybe I’m not enough of a wine snob, but when I reach the point where I’ll pay 5 dollars for 4 oz. of wine I really don’t care what it tastes like. By then I probably just want some alcohol in me. But for those of you who are enough of a snob, Mare Mare has a solution that in no way screams “wino in training”.

My tip: sit down at the bar, order a glass, be-friend the bartender, and then politely ask if you can have one to go in a paper coffee cup.  If they don’t serve coffee, you might have to hop over to the Starbucks next door, but when you’re popping off the lid at 30k feet, you’ll be glad you made the effort.

Ok, I love wine. But if you honestly can’t make it 4 hours on a plane without ensuring you have wine on you, you need to think about your life and your choices. Not to mention that the reason airlines don’t let people carry on 24 oz to go cups full of booze is because they don’t want to be halfway to Seattle trapped on a plane with a bombed out blonde chick. And the other passengers probably don’t want to deal with it either.

Good lord, Mare. I understand life is hard, but surely you can make it one day without a pinot grigio drip.




  1. avatar kitty-boo-boo

    Um...I'd be remiss if I didn't admit to doing this for the last 10 years while flying. I'm a horribly nervous flyer and self-medicate with cabaret. I *try* to schedule flights for mid-late afternoon so I don't feel like a drunk.

    Don't know that I'd write a whole blog about it, though.

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    • avatar Honeybaked Ham

      I'm with you on the self-medicating and the mid-afternoon flights. Early morning flights no good for me most of the time - the bar isn't serving alcohol at 5:00 a.m. for my 6:00 a.m. flights. I have to rethink this strategy in the summer. Ohio (my home state) and Chicago (my usual connection city heading west) tend to have screwed up flights in the afternoon due to the usual thunderstorms.

      And I think I just accidentally wrote a blog about it.

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    • Something tells me anxiety is not the driving force for Mary's Venti Wine Cup.

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      • avatar Creepy Divorced Bob

        Alice, since when have you ever begrudged anyone for getting a buzz on? You are going all prohibitionist on us now? At least she did not suggest pouring the wine into a clic bag.

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        • avatar Commes des Chats

          If you're sneaking 24 oz. cups of wine onto flights as part of your standard travel routine, your life may be a bit unmanageable.

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          • avatar servercrash

            She just said a glass, not a full coffee cup. I don't see the big deal. I definitely buy the tiny bottles of liquor (less than 3 ounces so I can take it through security) and then make my own cocktail on the plane or in the terminal.

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            • avatar Erin

              Yeah, not trying to WK but this feels like a reach. It's kind of a smart idea though I doubt many bartenders would go for it. Not to mention it's a pain in the ass for them to have to chase down a to-go cup.

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        • Yes. I'm going prohibitionist. That's why I smear my cringey drunken antics all over twitter at least once a week.

          I'm just saying that if you are so concerned about not having the quality of wine to which you feel entitled during your flight that you sit around thinking up ways to sneak on some beaujolais nouveau from the terminal wine bar...well, maybe you have fewer real life problems then I do. Good for you, I guess.

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    • I think a lot of people self medicate with cabaret. Liza Minelli can really help.

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    • avatar NotACleverName

      You self medicate with Liza Minelli?? That would cause me to drink more. Bwhahahaha sorry, couldn't resist.

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      • avatar Wait...What???

        I HATE to fly. I would LOVE to self medicate with tasty adult beverages. However, I would worry that I would need to pee more than usual and I hate those horrible tiny death boxes airlines pretend are bathrooms.

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      • avatar Mrs Gee Effing Whiz

        What you don't? I thought everyone Liza'd.

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    • avatar kittyhow

      I love that you are self-medicating with cabaret. It puts a festive, high-kicking smile on my face to think of it :)

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    • avatar LOL

      I do this as well, I am nervous flyer.

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  2. avatar Honeybaked Ham

    My deal is that I generally want wine on an overseas flight to knock my ass out. But: a) it doesn't work and b) it just dehydrates a person. Occasionally, I'll have a drink waiting for the flight, but other than that, my wine needs and tastes are quite irrelevant and pointless in getting from Point A to Point B.

    Mary's blog post just strikes me as so much #firstworldproblems. And I'm kind of like this in reading it:

    42324.gif

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    • avatar Just Not GOOD.

      I have a hard time sleeping on transatlantics. I will pony up some money to chase my Benadryl with booze to knock myself out. I will not blog about it, nor will I piss and moan that the wine on the plane is not up to snuff. Prior to this comment, I have only talked about this in the context of telling my travel companion, if there is one, that that is what I am doing.

      The #firstworldproblems some bloggers come up with and then expound upon BLOW MY MIND.

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      • avatar Wonton Disregard

        Sleep Water. It works. No hangover feeling after

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        • avatar Wait...What???

          Don't be a tease Wonton! Please expound on Sleep Water!!!!!

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          • avatar Wonton Disregard

            Sorry the product is called "dream water"
            Sold at the drug store and target and at most airports. No drugs, good for long flights and sleeplessness. No groggy feeling after. Has worked wonders for me. I only take half the shot sized bottle and its great

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            • avatar Wait...What???

              I MUST try this!! Thanks!!!

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            • avatar Caroline

              wish i'd known about this gem before i took my transatlantic flight two weeks ago

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            • avatar moonfever

              Side note: that stuff will mess you UP if you're on SSRIs of any kind.

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  3. One word, lady: XANAX. Chased with a Bailey's and coffee on the plane only in case of turbulence.

    This message brought to you by a fellow aviophobe.

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    • avatar ativan annie

      I prefer Ativan. Those "x"s just confuse me when I'm high.

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      • I tried Ativan because Xanax really is pretty strong stuff; unfortunately, Ativan had exactly zero effect on me. My fear of flying is incredibly bad, though; not only did I not fly for ten years, but also I had horrible panic attacks any time somebody I LOVED was on a flight. I've tried alcohol, beta blockers, therapy, meditation, you name it, and Xanax unfortunately is the only way I can get myself on a flight. Or even into an airport.

        I blame the guy I met on a plane when I was a kid. It was a connecting flight through O'Hare a few weeks after a major DC-10 crash that many older hams may remember. Anyway, I was 8 years old, escorting my 5 year old sister, no parents with us. And having seen the news coverage of the crash, I was nervous. Anyway, the guy sitting across the aisle noticed that I looked scared, and then said to me, "Don't worry. If God wants you to die, you'll die."

        Ever since that day, I have had a difficult relationship with both the Almighty and the airline industry.

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        • “Don’t worry. If God wants you to die, you’ll die.”

          Marty-McFly.gif

          Who says that to an 8 year old?

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          • Somebody who REALLY HATES flights with kids on board?

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            • That's why you buy the KIDS some wine AM I RIGHT?

              wtf-japan-gif-godzilla-glasses.gif

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              • I wish this had occurred to me before we emigrated, on a plane, with four kids. Thank God we were in an exit row bc they kicked the wall all the way across the Atlantic.

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              • avatar CraftingWithCatHair

                I have a friend whose parents used to give him and his siblings 'special lemon drink' before long road trips. It wasn't until he was in his twenties before he found out it was actually NeoCitran.

                Probably work just as well for flights... ;)

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          • avatar Urethra Franklin

            I totally read "who says that to an 8 year old?" in a Michael J Fox voice.

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        • avatar Runner

          The hell? Who says that???

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      • avatar Lackluster Lean-To

        LOL

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    • avatar kitty-boo-boo

      Haha. I don't like feeling medication drunk. Now, wine drunk? Sign me up for that:)

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    • avatar Emily Gould Google Alert

      I recommend Gravol for flights -- it calms you right down, makes you sleepy and prevents nausea. Drinking during a flight just seems really unappealing to me, I know I would end up dehydrated and sick.

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      • avatar Honeybaked Ham

        Thanks for this bit of info. I also tend to get motion sickness, in addition to my fear of flying and hatred personal space violations. This sounds intriguing.

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      • avatar CraftingWithCatHair

        +1 on the Gravol recommendation. Also nice because it doesn't dry your sinuses out like Benadryl can, which is another plus when you're stuck on a plane.

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    • avatar swimminginvinegar

      Valium. I can function during and after the flight and can safely take another 5mg if turbulence makes me freak out.

      Sneaking wine because of flight boredom seems overkill. I get panic attacks so its better if I'm drugged up.

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      • avatar Amanda Hugginkiss

        Valium here, too. I used to take Klonopin, but it would knock me out for a whole weekend. And I'm old enough to remember Karen Ann Quinlan, so I don't wash it down with any alcohol.

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      • avatar Greg'sWife (literally) aka DirtyLakeMichigan

        Damn. I must be hardcore. I had a bad experience on an overseas flight once. Got caught in the wake of another plane and it turned on its side... scary. I flew one or two more times after that loaded with xanax. The last flight - probably 15 years ago- was my last. I took about 4 .25 mg of xanax, even had a wine pre-flight, and when we hit turbulence, I was TOTALLY John Lithgow in the movie, 'The Twilight Zone'. I haven't flown since. I'm ashamed. I really want to fly to travel again, but ...

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        • avatar Amanda Hugginkiss

          No, that would put me off it completely, I don't blame you at all. I hate even the slightest bit of turbulence. We flew back from Aruba once where the flight was quite bumpy - my butt was so clenched I think maybe 2 square inches of it was touching the seat.

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        • avatar Wait...What???

          I had a flight hit wind shear while landing. It felt like we were bull riding. I had my 6 year old with me so I could not freely lose my shit. The plane tilted and I was sure we were going to die. The wing was inches from tipping us. That pilot was AMAZING! When I saw my husband, his face was white. He was watching at the window. His first words where I thought you were gone. I rented a car and drove home.

          I cannot imagine actually turning upside down!

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          • avatar Greg'sWife (literally) aka DirtyLakeMichigan

            That sounds just as terrifying! Thankfully we didn't turn upside down, but it was sideways. The side I was on the wing went down and the other side went up. Everyone's drinks, food, the walking flight attendants all spilled and fell to our side of the plane. It was only a second or two but it was mind-blowing. The pilot got a 10 minute standing ovation after we landed.

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            • avatar eeee

              As a military brat and later spouse, I have easily a dozen intercontinental flights under my belt and thought myself pretty immune to flight anxiety. After reading y'all's stories, I doubt I will ever voluntarily board a plane again. Jesus!

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    • avatar maude lebowski

      Yes! My flight routine is Xanax pre-flight, and then adding a nip of Jack to on-board ginger-ale while reading an US Magazine.

      Of course, I'm just talking about the flights to and from my parents. I love them dearly but a few moments of Xanax-Jack-and gossip-mag-transcendental-consciousness goes a long way to reduce the inevitable dissection of life choices I tend to stumble into at 30,000 feet in the air. ... it can't be just me! lol

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  4. avatar JaffaCakes

    I'm enough of an alcoholic to admit that I may have done this. More than once.

    tumblr_lq724wBASl1qk1bto.gif

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    • avatar Wait...What???

      Unless you go to meetings, may I remind you that you are a drunk and not an alcoholic :):)

      Rock on!

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      • avatar JaffaCakes

        I stand corrected.
        tumblr_mhmw997Bca1rnzsoto6_250.gif

        (Also I think I need to put myself in Gif jail for a day. It's getting out of hand.)

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  5. avatar Cathair@criticalmass

    Good old Mare Mare Beach Hair keeping it klassy!

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  6. JUST TAKE A REALLY STRONG DOSE OF DRAMAMINE

    IT'LL GIVE YOU THE GIGGLES AND MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR HEAD HAS BEEN PACKED IN COTTON

    SOMETIMES IT CAN ALSO MAKE YOU MISS FLIGHTS BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE LUCID DREAMING AS YOU WALK AROUND THE TERMINAL, BUT IN LIFE YOU REALLY JUST GOTTA ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES AND TAKE THE TIME TO RE-ASSESS WHY YOU WERE FLYING TWELVE HOURS TO GO TO A FAMILY REUNION WHEN THEY COULD JUST ASK WHY YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT YET OVER THE PHONE

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    • avatar Just Not GOOD.

      "TAKE THE TIME TO RE-ASSESS WHY YOU WERE FLYING TWELVE HOURS TO GO TO A FAMILY REUNION WHEN THEY COULD JUST ASK WHY YOU’RE NOT PREGNANT YET OVER THE PHONE"

      THIS IS AMAZING.

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    • avatar Wonton Disregard

      As usual ALL CAPS wins the internets

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      • I DUNNO, EVERY TIME I COME TO THE GOMI COMMENTS SECTION I'M IMPRESSED ALL OVER AGAIN AND I WISH WE COULD HAVE ALL BEEN SASSY FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL

        SO WE ALL WIN I THINK

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        • avatar honey badger

          I don't even know you and I love you in a creepy way.

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    • avatar Eyelash Sweater

      Oh my god yes. Caps, can you be my life coach?

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    • avatar bahhhI

      ALL CAPS you give me the giggles every time.

      Going to be taking an overnight train ( ... it's the train they call The City of New Orleans... I'll be gone 500 miles before the day is through) to a family reunion over 4th of July weekend. The family will ask me why I've decided to move away from our parents. Apparently when I moved closer to them 7 years ago, I unknowingly signed some secret contract that I will never have a life of my own and never move away and support them until they diiiiieeeeeeee.

      Family: fuck 'em.

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    • avatar Mrs Gee Effing Whiz

      Would you go to my class reunion for me?

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    • avatar MeggerstheCruel

      My gods, ALL CAPS, are you me?

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    • avatar gwenhara

      I once took two Dramamine before a flight because it was my first flight and I was going to meet my future in-laws for the first time. The result: My husband dragging me through the Salt Lake airport and me in such a haze I don't remember any of it. Apparently we ate, met friends, chatted, and it's all just gone. I guess I was in a pretty good mood, though.

      Now I take half a Dramamine for motion sickness and half a .25 xanax for dealing with people.

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  7. avatar The Other One

    I generally don't drink on planes, but I do pack an entire bottle in my purse to enjoy during movies in the theater. I'm not sure what that says about me....

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    • avatar Wait...What???

      OMG, please be my BFF!!!!!!!!!

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    • avatar Uvabird

      It says you are the cool friend. I'm the nerdy one who thinks she's badass for sneaking in M&Ms.

      Wine....how did I get to this point in life without thinking about sneaking this in???

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      • avatar Caroline

        those little mini bottles that come in the four pack are great for sneaking into the movies

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        • avatar falimako

          I once snuck in a large Big Mac meal.

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          • avatar KERFETUS

            Sack of Indian food into a 3D movie. Be careful you aren't tipsy when you reach for the screen in a fit of giggles and knock basmati rice all over the aisle.

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            • avatar gwenhara

              We sneak chocolate into movies, plays, and ballets. We sneak cans of beer into street festivals (that are sponsored by local beer companies and will fine you $500 if they catch you with your own). I'm cheap. And picky.

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              • avatar dante

                I just mix up my own gin and soda into a water bottle and take that to the cinema

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          • avatar Professor Marty McPaws

            I once snuck in a whole large pizza with a friend. It was awesome.

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    • avatar Lucreza Borgia

      Entire bottle? I've smuggled in an entire 12 pack of beer tho I have to admit that taking care of the empties can be an issue if you are not careful. Empty bottles make a very distinctive sound as they tumble down the rows.

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      • avatar Extremely Large Size Medium

        Besides sneaking candy bars into movies, I've only ever smuggled food and booze into my campus library. So much potential smugglage I never considered!

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        • avatar Lucreza Borgia

          It is a lot easier to do at large malls where people are bringing in shopping bags. TBH, I've not done it for at least 10 years. :D

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  8. avatar Mockingbird

    Mary R., meet Bill W.

    He's your friend.

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  9. avatar Jesse CATsopolis

    Dear Mary Rambin (whoever you are),
    Shut the fuck up.
    Love,
    Uncle Jesse

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  10. avatar waffleycakes

    Not to be a stickler over rules here but this is actually against FAA regulations. Chances of you getting caught are slim unless you end up sitting next to an air marshall or something but definitely has the possibility of getting you and the guy who served you the drink in real trouble.

    Also, in most states (all?) you can't take an alcoholic beverage to go from a real bar/restaurant. Does the same apply to airport bars? I've never seen anyone walk away with a drink...

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    • avatar waffleycakes

      Oh, and, tiny Choya plum wine bottle are my personal favorite on transpacific flights. They don't really look like your typical alcoholic mini and they mix so well with tonic.

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    • avatar chocolatepuddin

      I came here to comment just that! I used to work at an airport bar (best post-college job ever!) here in MO and it's SUPER against the rules to allow any alcohol out of restaurants/bars/etc (but we have crazy liquor laws anyway thanks to AB's influence in politics). I know this isn't an issue in Chicago, though (or at least at Midway) - they'll ask you if you want it "for here or to go" when you get a drink at the airport bar.

      Anyway, it's not like airport wine is any better than airplane wine, and it's just as expensive. (I guess there are some exceptions to that - I actually worked in a wine bar at the airport, but generally, it's all the same chain-resturant level crap)

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      • avatar kitty-boo-boo

        Yes, but I'd rather have the option of Kendall Jackson versus Sutter Home in a mini bottle.

        I knew the FAA didn't want drunk people on the plane...but I've been through a lot of airports that give to-go cups in their bars. I think it may have to do with the state/county the airport is in. Not sure of what the actual laws are in this case.

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      • avatar ingenuous wench

        I was wondering about the quality of wine served in the airport bar. Is it that much better? But then again, my favorite wine is $10 and my drink of choice when flying is Ginger Ale. I flew a lot as a kid and I swear I thought you couldn't get it anywhere but airplanes.

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        • avatar Wonton Disregard

          A lot of airports have nice wine bars. LAX, LGB, ATL, IAH, and DFW come to mind.

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          • avatar California Mazens

            Pretty sure she meant Ginger Ale.

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            • avatar Wonton Disregard

              She also mentioned the quality of wine at airports. Before the ginger ale.

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  11. avatar Bene_Gesserit

    WTF? People can get to-go cups?!?! How did I never know this incredibly important piece of information?

    Also, who the hell cares what booze tastes like as long as it has the desired affect? Mad dog, Boone's Farm, Everclear...none of those delightful drinks ever made me curl up and die (at least, not in the early stages of the evening before worshiping the porcelain god.)

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    • avatar Vodka shits

      I may be but a poor student, but I have had many a cheap booze filled night and never got sick from it. I stay away from the sweet stuff thought because that's a guaranteed ticket to migraine town.

      The only time I have gotten sick (as in, bodily fluids coming out both ends) from drinking was at a wedding with an open bar and a Russian bartender who poured the vodka like water. I threw up in one of the fanciest garbage cans in town while my boyfriend took a piss in the ladies room sink, 'cuz you know, he wanted to be there for me while I puked. My man. So proud.

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    • avatar Amanda Hugginkiss

      As God is my witness, I didn't know you could get booze to go in the airport. But why would you get wine when you could get a nice large bourbon?

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      • avatar Sump Pump

        The booze-to-go counters are VERY popular at the toxic shithole known as the McCarran (Vegas) Airport. Beer drinkers have the choice of a bottle or a plastic cup.

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        • avatar Amanda Hugginkiss

          Well, Vegas, yeah! And probably New Orleans, too!

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    • avatar a twee twit of a twat

      Don't knock the Boone's Farm...even now when I see a bottle I am transported to warm summer nights at the park, bad 80's hair and poor (but o so fun) high school decisions!

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      • avatar Wonton Disregard

        California Coolers - the only wine cooler that required shaking before drinking. Responsible for many of my 80s bad decisions.

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        • avatar Amanda Hugginkiss

          Bartles and James, on tap! Got me through college.

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          • They showed a bunch of commercials for "Bartles and Jaymes" on one of those "OMG THE 80s WERE TOTALLY RAD" shows on VH1 a while back. I wonder if those two old dudes are still alive...

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            • avatar Amanda Hugginkiss

              Looks like it's 50/50: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartles_%26_Jaymes

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            • avatar DooceCanoe

              I only ever got juiced on those one time, and I got the worst hangover ever. EVER. Two days of vomiting.

              No more sweet fizzy panty remover for me. Just the scent of a strawberry flavoured wine cooler still sends my stomach into barrel rolls even now, 30 years later.

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            • avatar gwenhara

              Back in 2002 the convenience store down the road was doing B&J for .25 a piece. We made like six mix and match four packs and had ourselves a high school flashback night. I think we drank four bottles a piece and the rest sat in our fridge for months. The headaches the next day were not fun.

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        • avatar sponsoredpost

          My mom and aunts used to drink this stuff called Calvin Coolers. They came in a 2 liter soda bottle. We kids snuck them all the time!

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      • avatar Kitty Likes to Scratch

        Word. First time I ever got drunk was on Strawberry Hill.

        No, that's not right… the first time I ever got drunk was on Miller Genuine Draft. *Second* time I got drunk was on Strawberry Hill.

        Yeah.

        strawberry-wine-o.gif

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        • avatar a twee twit of a twat

          Now I have this overwhelming desire to find a bottle of Boone's Farm, stick a giant straw in it, listen to The Smiths, and give into my angst...

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        • avatar Bucky

          The first time I heard this song it was being sung by a hungover farm hand as he fell out of his tractor.

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  12. avatar KarenWalker

    Duh just bring mini booze bottles on the plane in your liquids allotment. problem solved.

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    • avatar Amanda Hugginkiss

      Fly with my friends Johnny, Jack, Jose and the Glenns!

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  13. avatar dietcherrycoke

    Kim Richards did it first, Mary

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