Kath Younger, it feels like she’s been pregnant since 1997, has published her “Birth Wish List” – that essential document written by the modern pregnant woman in the hopes that they will be one of the 2% whose birth goes totally, precisely, exactly how they want.
KERF’s list includes the usual blogger demand to keep her placenta, and essentials such as “I’d like some jokes made to lighten the mood and help me relax”. Because labor should simulate a night at the Improv, I guess. She also doesn’t want to even “be offered pain medication or an epidural”, wants to wear her “own clothes”, and she’d “like to get in the tub!”
It’s all about as exciting as you would expect from the manila envelope of healthy living blogging. I can’t wait to hear a birth story full of water not breaking, labor not progressing, demands for drugs, and not giving three effs about the placenta by the time they finally get those shoulders unwedged from her pelvis. Sadly this is KERF and her birth will most likely be as boring as her pregnancy and…well, her.
God damn I fucking love Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!
This is my new favorite.
Omg. I hate birth plans. My plan was this “get the baby out alive. We’ll start with nothing and see how we go”.
Women like Kerf end up with self diagnosed post traumatic stress after labour because of unrealistic views of how their labour should be putting themselves on par with women who actually had horrific labours and deserve awards for bringing their children safely into the world.
Urg. URG!
(I love your user name!)
Birth plans strike me as tempting fate. Anything other than “mother and baby make it through alive” and there’s bound to be trouble.
If/when I have kittens, I’ll trust the professionals around me to do whatever is necessary to get the job done. After all, they’re the ones doing this shit every day.
Forgot to add: Not having a medical degree myself, I think it would be presumptuous and idiotic in the extreme if I were to tell my doctor/doula/whatever “This is what I want you to do…” TRUST THE PROFESSIONALS. It’s what they’re there for.
I’m with you, ladies. Had nothing on either birth plan for mine – my only real wish for my second was ‘no epidural unless I beg’. By the time those big C’s kicked in I was begging with bells on (my midwife lied to me and said the anaesthetist would be half an hour by which time he was born and I loved her for that).
Anyways – at least she’s been wise enough to give herself an epidural ‘discussion’ get out clause (just in case it hurts or anything like that).
Yeah, just go with it. Some of her stuff is obvious, like “I don’t want an episiotomy.” Ok, well, they usually don’t do that unless they need to.
I totally wanted one. In fact, I’m done having kids and I’m thinking of getting one next week. More room to love, y’all!
A girl from my rural hometown went into labor the other day at ~26 weeks (which, yes, very scary). She updated facebook saying what was going down, and all of these other rural kids were all “Don’t take anything they give you! The docs don’t know what they’re doing, no drugs!”. Listen up kiddos, you don’t want to go into labor at 25.5 weeks and any drugs they are giving you is to stop labor so your baby can grow for another 14 weeks like it is supposed to. I HATE when people pretend that doctors don’t know what is best for your current medical situation. These are people who have at least 8 years of schooling past high school, and another 5+ years of experience in the field. I think they know what is probably best for you.
WOW. Look it’s one thing to have a natural birth when you’re 41 weeks like I was and your baby is tolerating labor well. 26 week? DO EXACTLY AS THEY SAY.
I went into labor at 30 weeks and you better believe I told them to pump me full of anything they could to keep that baby baking!
My birth plan, each time: Get the drugs and have the baby. Try not to poop on the table.
I’m pretty sure I pooped on the table. SAD TROMBONE.
I did not. I asked. Biggest victory of my LIFE.
I’ve never had the courage to ask.
I asked too! I actually overpowered the epidural to stand up and check because I didn’t believe everybody when they said no.
I was so proud to hear I didn’t either. That totally would have ruined my magical image my husband has of me.
They lied to you. They always do. They lied to me until I insisted that I knew they were lying and demanded my sister confirm it.
No way was I letting them take my poop from me during my perfect birthing experience!
I pooped on the table with my first. I didn’t know it at the time. My asshole husband still brings it up, randomly, from time to time. He uses it as a diversionary tactic. I’ll ask him to do something, and he’ll say, “Remember when you pooped on the table while you were having [our son]?”
And then I kill him.
What the fuck? I’d totally feed him laxatives so that he pooped himself at work. Doubt he’d say such a thing after crapping his pants in an important meeting or something.
*DEAD* This is approved.
I second this approval.
It’s only fair.
Only fair if there’s an audience watching him. With lights shining directly on his pooper.
Fuck me do I ever not want to have a baby.
Yeah, okay, *that’s* the only thing I can imagine worse than actually pooping the table in front of a bunch of people–having somebody bring it up ever again. Holy fuck, I think I really would murder him.
If I ever shit on the table my boyfriend would NEVER let me forget it. So you aren’t alone.
Put this under my “reasons i am not sad to be childless” list.
Lol! That is too funny. I forgot about the pooping part.
I had a birth plan for my first labor. I was so dumb and naive. I ended up with an epidural and a c section. Because in between figuring out exactly what I wanted to wear, music i wanted to hear, et cetera, I didn’t bother to RESEARCH the doctor and find out her attitudes about c sections, epidurals, episiotimies, all that good junk.
Second time around I found a doctor with a very high success rate for VBACs. I told him that my birth plan was simple: “Don’t get cut open.” I’ve had three successful, med-free VBACs with large babies. The simpler, the better. Because by the time you hit 6 centimeters, you will not be caring if anybody is telling jokes to “lighten the mood.” In fact, if anybody makes jokes you’re likely to want to punch them in the jaw.
Kerf reminds me of me when I was young and stupid.
Congrats to you on your successful VBACs. I hope to start a family in the next year and have been reading up on the subject. I hope I’m able to find a caregiver and delivery site that will support my choice for a natural, epidural- and episiotomy-free birth.
I feel like that’s what happened to me too. Really don’t want to get cut open again (6 months postpartum and it’s STILL tender) so I’m glad to hear that VBACs are possible.I kind had gotten the impression that no doctors will risk them.
They’re rarer than rare now due to malpractice lawsuit issues, but you can have them if you are lucky enough to find someone who’ll support you (don’t know if ICAN is still around–they had a lot of good info when I was doing research).
My 1st I had the awesome birth plan, too. I confidently expected it all to go according to “plan” because I *had* done the research. HA! Had a C-section after a long, non-progressive labor with an occiput posterior positioned baby. But I did have a VBAC 4 years later, with a family practice doc attending, large baby (9.6 lbs) , no drugs.
I really had to research. I interviewed doctors and happened to be talking to some moms at a homeschooling meeting, and they said “You need to meet with Dr. H, he’s the best.” Apparently there were two moms there who had had multiple VBACs after more than one c section. He listened to my birth story (the poor man) and said it sounded like I had had what he called a “cascade of intervention.” We talked about what would make this time around different, and better, and about his policies. He stated that he had rarely seen a baby made so “big” that the mom couldn’t birth it. He nearly ate his words when I delivered a 12 pound kid, but we did it.
I would suggest, when you do get pregnant, to interview doulas (my doula was awesome) and they often know the best doctors/midwives in town. My doula had worked so much with Dr H that when she was in the labor room and he walked in he joked, “You AGAIN?”
The issue I have i that while I agree with some of her desires, you really don’t know what you need/want until it’s time.
Semi-Related Major Pet Peeve: I disagree with telling your doc/doula/midwife/partner to “TALK ME OUT OF AN EPIDURAL, DON”T GIVE ME ONE, EVEN IF I BEG.” How could you want that rule in place? You don’t know if you’ll have back labor, or a very long labor, or deep exhaustion that renders your ability to birth useless.
Anyway, BERF doesn’t have anything explicit like that but I’ve seen those instructions on a ton of these wish lists.
My doula said this: “There are two kinds of people: those who ask for the epi and want to be talked out of it, and those who won’t ask unless they really fucking need it. Which do you think you are?”
I thought I was the latter and said so, my husband wasn’t so sure. The thought of the epi never even occurred to me in labor. I was too busy getting the work done. I’m really glad I didn’t because I think an active pushing stage helped me avoid a C section, which I couldn’t have done with the epi. I don’t judge anybody who has had one because pain is so different for everyone, but I was very glad that I didn’t get one.
No, I completely understand and would feel the same way. I meant more that it’s unfair to be the onus on others to talk you out of something if you are screaming/wailing/or just rationally saying “I’ve decided that I need an epidural.” I just think it should be the mother’s decision and it could potentially lead to tension after the birth between mother and her birth team.
it is for sure something you should solidly decide about before, because during labor your brain gets weird. A lot of women describe just needing someone to tell them what to do and they just do it, so I think they often get talked into stuff they don’t want because they aren’t fully mentally present at the time.
Yeah, but with first deliveries you have no idea what you’re in for. There’s a reason so many women want natural deliveries but change their minds when that shit starts up and it’s not because they’re easily persuaded – it’s because it hurts in a way that had been previously unfuckingimaginable.
My husband almost got his face punched in when he told me to tuck my chin while I pushed, had he told me I couldn’t have drugs because of some fucked up scheme I had cooked up before I had ever experienced a contraction, I would have lost my goddamned mind.
Exactly. It’s a lot of pressure to put on your loved ones to ask them to watch you writhing around in pain and just tell you, “Welp, you said you didn’t want an epidural, so…”
I had my son in 1980. I did have a wish list, but I did want to have him without drugs. After three days (yes, DAYS) of labor (without nice snacks, thankyouverymuch) and two hours (yes, hours) of pushing, the OB said, “We need to use forceps. Forceps hurt. Do you want an epidu-” And I said “YES!” Best decision I ever made.
And keeping the placenta?? Oh for God’s sake! Is that what the cool kids are doing these days??
Crap. I meant to say “I did NOT have a birth plan.” Other than “baby alive; me alive.” And I almost didn’t get the second half of that plan — my uterus turned inside out after delivery and I hemorhag… hemorras… bled a lot. The OBs (yeah, two) stuffed about three yards of gauze up my hoohah and saved my life. (Probably more than you wanted to know, sorry.)
Half my placenta decided to stay put when I had my first and I had a very, very handsome Greek God/ surgeon remove it for me. I swear he was in up to his elbow.
This is too funny. And I can relate! Except that my plan was to get the baby out alive while enjoying an epidural. End of story.
I hate wish lists and bloggers in general. They do this during the holidays and it drives me nuts. You are not a celebrity. You can’t make crazy demands like rockstars.
I’m just waiting for her “what to buy your wife for her push present” post.
WTF is a push present?
Is this a real thing?
Of course it’s a real thing. Don’t you know women are rewarded in life for fulfilling their true duties of getting married and reproducing?
You’d think that the baby would be a pretty boss present, but you would be wrong. some bitches need some bling too. I hope this isn’t a “thing” beyond Hollywood…..
I stopped reading B/KERF a few days ago and now this! I can NOT.
She disappoints me. Should there not be planned a fanfare upon the miraculous birth, complete with a flag with the Younger-Monson crest raised above the hospital’s roof and peals of church bells ringing across all of good Virginia. What about a national holiday? She is living a fantastical world after all
The baby shall not be born before or after the 26th minute of any hour.
KERF May 31, 2012 at 1:36 pm
I’ll unhook and take it off! At this point I’m not comfortable being totally nude.
Of course she isn’t comfortable being nude, is she aware that her doula, midwives etc will be looking at her cooch during the birth of berf??? It also begs the question how berf was conceived in the first place… Wait I know, there is probably a blog post on that!
Hahaha. Plus, she is will be so put of it and in pain she won’t care who sees her naked.
Let’s hope she winds up at a teaching hospital, then all sorts of random people will be wandering by wanting to look up her cooch.
Lol. I was at a teaching hospital. There were so many people in and out of my room. I could have cared less who saw me
Is she aware that she is probably going to shit on the table in front of everyone?
I hope she does, and I hope Matth’s filming…
For the record, blogarella, it does not “beg the question.”
most think that the conception involved a turkey baster.
I’ll cop to this. I do not like having my boobs swing in the breeze. I wore a loose maternity tank top and even a very short, loose skirt so I could walk around during labor. It was perfect and more comfortable than a hospital gown.
Still, a sports bra? What an idiot. When I was deep in labor I did not want constricting clothes on, and when the baby is born you do want some access for skin to skin…And the last thing I’d want to do is reach around and unhook a bra after giving birth.
Eh, I wore a sports bra during labor. A nursing sports bra – totally solved the problem of “I do not like all of this flopping about” and “I want to nurse right away”. It didn’t allow quite as much skin to skin contact as I might have liked, so I’m undecided about it for baby#2. One thing she’s probably not thinking about (because she’s in total denial on this point) – I really couldn’t take it off until my IV was out. I was fine wearing it for a while, but had I planned to just whip it off we would have been looking for some scissors.
They could have paraded the entire hospital in while I was having my babies and I wouldn’t have known the difference. In fact, at one point with my first, I think I told my husband to call the local high school and bring every single last girl in the room. Best birth control ever.
Exactly. When I had my son there was a guy wearing a leather jacket and drinking from a travel mug in the room. I had no idea who he was, but he had a great view and I didn’t care at all. I did wonder if they were selling tickets to the show or something.
(It turns out he was a doctor. We were at a small hospital, and my Dr. was just about to start surgery on someone else. They were worried that he wouldn’t be able to get away from the surgery to deliver my baby, so they called the other Dr. in. He delivered the placenta, lucky fellow.)
I hope you didn’t give birth in rural Wisconsin…because that sounds just like my father.
I’m totally picturing the Fonz just chilling in your room, waiting to jump in when he is needed.
Awesome.
I literally lol’d. LIKE.
I had a very long labor and my kiddo needed a NICU evaluation right after she was born. When I was crowning, they told the NICU team to come down. And they did, apparently with about 12 people (people from various teams plus a wandering group of student doctors,) in addition to my doula, 2 midwives, and 2 nurses. There were, no joke 21 people, if you count my husband, myself, and my friend, in the delivery room. I remember 4 of them – my 2 midwives, my husband, and myself. Well, and the kiddo.
honest question here– why a doula AND two midwives? Not that I even know the difference between the two….
YES! So sorry, so childless, so not TTC, but wtf is a doula? I had never encountered the word before reading GOMI coverage of mummy blogs.
doula= birth assistant. she gives non-medical birth support. she is with you at all times and helps you though every contraction, gets you whatever you need, communications with your care team for you. she’s basically your slave :) they attend lots of births and help guide women through.
midwife= in general a CNM (certified nurse midwife) who is responsible for the medical stuff related to birth (except c-sections and epidurals.) They generally don’t stay with you the whole time, but rotate around the area like doctors and just check on your progress, and care for you before baby is born.
I would have no problem with this pregnancy if it were a national holiday as long as I don’t have to go to work and have free parking around the city.
I have to happen SECOND this. Cone on now!
Shit is going down in her comment section…KERF called circumcision “inhumane” (then later changed it to ‘not for us,’ of course!) and alllll the moms are fighting.
I don’t think KERF has realized that while HLBs will yay over every little oatmeal combination, the mommy crowd will attack! at the slightest hint of baby controversy.
Inhumane?! really?! See that’s ridiculous stuff… I wish she hadn’t changed it!
lolol, I love “intactivists.” I came across one blog where the woman writing it said that male circumcision was much worse than female circumcision. OH, OK.
Almost as good as “intactalactivists”! Because everything’s better as a catchy portmanteau.
good thing sowhatimbutter has a screen shot :)
I dunno guys… I’m probably gonna get shit for saying this but, while I think KERF is ridiculous, boring and meticulous, I do think having a birth plan is a good idea so I don’t really have a problem with her making one. It’s good to have some idea of what you want for your baby, for your labor – whether you want drugs or not etc. If she expects everything to go according to plan she’s dumber than rocks but she did say it was a “wish” list.
I’m just not finding this all that lame when it comes to the vast universe of lame-ness that is the mommy blogger world in general.
I’m sorry I’m a crappy cat lady.
The birth plan is not the issue – it’s the demands on the “wish list”.
So special is kerf that it couldn’t just be “my birth plan”
Yeah, KERF annoys the bejesus out of me, but I don’t think this wish list thing is crazy. And I think she’s just calling it a “wish list” instead of a “birth plan” in an attempt to say look, I realize shit ain’t actually gonna go down just like this.
Now, to make up for it… has anyone else noticed that Matth smiles in photos like those funny greyhounds?
that’s actually a weimaraner. my weim is giving you the side eye for that :)
Haha! My apologies to him/her. Beautiful dog. Also, that is a perfect side eye… could be a meme!
Your weim is awesome.
My GSD mix pup gives a mean side-eye, often accompanied by huffy snorts.
YES the huffy horse snorts!
So true – my little GSP girl does the huff/sigh/side eye when we’re on the couch and she’s not the center of attention. <3 yay PUPPIES!!11!
I have to agree here. Having some semblance of an idea of what kind of labor/birth you would *like* to have, while recognizing that these thoughts are wishes for an ideal scenario and that things may change in the moment is not all that snark-worthy to me.
That being said, I hate Kerf, I hope she has a safe delivery and a healthy baby, and I also hope she poops the table.
What is that picture? Is that the loaf baby that fell out while she was doing a squat?
Not a birth plan fan here, but hers made me chuckle. I liked this “I’d like for my coaches to read encouragement from Ina May’s book regarding the mind-body connection.” Uh huh.
Wear your own clothes? Ok, if you like blood and fluid all over your own clothes, go for it. I preferred to ruin the hospital’s.
All of the other stuff is kind of obvious. Sure, you don’t want stuff to be done if it doesn’t need to be done, ok, got it. I guess the circ’ing, but you need to give consent for that anyway.
That coaches one was my most favorite. I mean heck, why didn’t she just ask for Ina May to personally be there, offering her encouragement? She is the first woman to give birth in the history of the world and is going to have the most special birth ever, after all.
A READING FROM THE BOOK OF INA MAY.
MAY THE LOAF BE WITH YOU.
AND ALSO WITH YOU/WITH YOUR SPIRIT.
Well played, spirit changes
I’m a recovering Catholic and when I attended a funeral for a Catholic family member I was appalled at the changes. APPALLED I SAY.
I recently had the same experience at a funeral. I totally said all the wrong words, since the only time I go to church is once a year for midnight mass, to make my mom happy for Christmas.
ARE WE RELATED?
As someone who has given birth without drugs/epidural, I can ASSURE you the last thing I wanted was anyone talking to me. It was more, “everyone GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT! AND HEY YOU, TOO, BABY, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT”. I remember listening to the nurse and my husband talking and all I could think was, “can you two SHUT THE FUCK UP?”
And seriously, I do not get the whole desire to wear one’s own clothes at all. The last thing I’d want to do is take a bunch of SERIOUSLY disgusting clothes home.
I was the opposite. I needed to be talked through each contraction by the end of the first stage. I was alone for a little bit of pushing and was like “WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE?!”
The only nice thing about your own clothes is that those gowns are a pain in the ass.
Oh while pushing, I needed to be talked off the ledge. I was all, “CANNOT do this!” My CNM was all calm, but stern, “you HAVE to!” If it hadn’t been for her, I think I’d still be laying there refusing to push that kid out because omg, terrible pain.
my mother described pushing as “you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t”
I pushed for an incredibly long time, over 4 hours, and that’s pretty much my personal hell. I had a moment where I thought “this is my new life. I’m going to be like this forever, baby stuck somewhere down there, waddling around, pushing every 2 minutes getting nowhere.”
The nurse said to me, “OK, now it’s time to start pushing.” I said, “What?” She said, “You have to push the baby out.”
I thought the contractions just squirted them out. I didn’t know effort on my part was required.
Can you tell I didn’t go to any birth classes or anything? My husband and I decided, meh, the Knicks are in the playoffs and so are the Rangers. Let’s watch sports instead!
In the end, after five hours of pushing, my son was so huge they had to Shop-Vac him out anyway.
god bless the vac. I ended up with one, too. I had no idea how much they slide back when you’re pushing! Those FUCKERS!
Aw :) It’s not so much the pain, as it is really the most physically strenuous thing ever.
Yes! I was crying. “I’m never going to be a mother!” and my husband was all like “wha-fuck?” since um, I’d been in labor for about 20 hours at that point. “I’m going to die and then I’m never going to be a mom!” I was so ridiculous. In retrospect, it’s hilarious, but at the time, I was SO serious.
A woman that I met said that she was so fucking fed up with contractions that she told her doctor she was leaving. She’d been stuck at a 9 for over an hour and said “Fuck you guys, I’m going home” as if going home would like, make it stop. She got up to leave and dilated her the extra cm.
Yes. I pushed for seven. I had a moment of like existential despair where I truly believed that the baby would just never be born. Ever.
seven?! SEVEN?! SHIT! Was your baby smoshed up? I pushed for 4.5 and figured she’d be a major cone head but she wasn’t at all!
Yeah, but what kind of clothes? Like a sundress or something?
I was in a gown for the first part of my labour and I felt like it was strangling me to I ended up tearing it off (and pulling out my IV LOL OOPS) and changing into a tank top of my own. Afterwards the tanktop wasn’t disgusting because I didn’t deliver the baby out of my torso? idk I just took it home and washed it and it was fine. SORRY IF THAT’S GROSS.
I yelled at my husband because he told me I wasn’t breathing right. Seriously? I am in severe pain (epidural doesn’t help back labor), and you’re telling me I’m not doing it right?? UGH.
My sister yelled and my brother-in-law and me. We were waiting in her house for the contractions to get closer, so we were joking around and laughing and she was slowly pacing the house, getting angrier and angrier at us.
I don’t even like for people to joke with me when I’m working out and in pain, so I’m going to be a delight if I ever give birth.
I agree, it’s like a slaughterhouse. Why would I want to bring my own clothes in there? I remember I bought this stupid long black robe for visitors….LOL
You really don’t need to bring anything with you. Nothing. Just walk in with what you are wearing. You can wear it right back out, and you’ll be wearing funky mesh underwear with gigantic maxi pads, so no need even for clean undies.
I was so convinced my first would be late so when he came at 38 weeks and my water broke while in the car so I just rolled up to hospital with nothing. And then I purposely did the same for the second and third kids. Besides, as long as I have my purse I pretty much have the necessities covered.
The cost of the car cleaning after must have been a bitch, though.
Actually, it was summer and I happened to have a couple of beach towels in the car!
What….someone reading you this wouldn’t relax you? From Ina:
“Remember this, for it is as true and true gets: Your body is not a lemon. You are not a machine. The Creator is not a careless mechanic. Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo. Even if it has not been your habit throughout your life so far, I recommend that you learn to think positively about your body.”
Breathe. Imagine. Yes. The creator, the moon, you are a part of the rhythm nation.
Srsly wtf is this shit?
Rhythm is a dancer.
Contractions are really rhythmic too!
You can feel it in the air.
To quote The Killers: Are we human, or are we dancer?
The answer: We’re human- and you smoked too much weed when you wrote that song.
Are we dancer, and who was phone?
You are Dancer. I am Blitzen.
Dance, motherfucker, dance.
(Sorry in advance, I couldn’t help myself…)
I lol’ed
Love your name.
Oh mygos what the fuck. Your body is not a lemon?!!!!!!
Oh look my baby just popped out. MAGNIFIQUE.
Oh, god. I had a fast labor and no time for an epi. Apparently my mom entered the room and was trying to coach me but I was screaming my face off and all I could hear beyond my screaming was my mom saying my name over and over and I wanted to fucking kick her until she shut up.
They don’t show that on 16 and pregnant, peeps.
My contractions got bad rapidly. I told my husband not to talk or touch me. Not so much told as sneered through gritted teeth. Meanwhile I used every curse word I’d ever heard and then made up some new ones. After I finally got my epi I was all for jokes and fun. ;)
I’m at an age at which it seems highly unlikely I will ever give birth. I love reading about these experiences because it just erases any doubts that I ever wanted to do this. I don’t mean this as an insult; I am in awe of anyone who has actually given birth. But for me, no f-in way. Nuh-uh. Nope.
Yep. I hear these stories and wonder why anyone would DO this to themselves!
YUP. I’m also at an age and a stage in life where it’s very unlikely I’ll ever produce a hamlet, and that is okay. I’m kind of grimly fascinated and curious about the whole process, so I’m interested to read everyone’s experiences. And I gotta say I admire all you catladies who endured the grueling process and got an awesome baby as a result. But man, not for me. No thanks.
I have always been super interested in it as a process, and it’s completely fascinating from the inside, too. Most difficult and amazing thing I’ve ever done.
I just birthed a baby less than a week ago and I wore my own gown. I don’t have a problem with one wearing their own clothing during labor and delivery, it really can make you feel more comfortable and anything that has that effect is ok in my book. My gown barely got any blood on it, and honestly I didn’t care if it looked like I’d been stabbed 68 times. Probably sounds weird, but it’s my own little souvenir that I will keep in a box and unpack someday so I can reminisce about the day she was born when she goes off to college or something. The clothing part is the least of KERF’s cray.
I did not write a birth plan. The hospital provided a checklist called “birth preferences” and I checked off the things I preferred to have happen, such as labor on an exercise ball or in a rocking chair. Have the baby placed on my chest immediately after birth. Dim the lights, that kind of shit. So when I was pushing, we had a CD of very peaceful harp music playing and the lights were dim, and it was only myself, the doc, the nurse, and my husband there as baby was born. It was a pretty beautiful experience, but with minimal planning.
congratulations :) sounds like you had an awesome birth and were totally chill about it. good on ya, mama. I found the first two weeks to be totally brutal and then it just keeps getting better and better.
I love the commenter, (who gave birth in the same hospital as Kath will) saying she had no drugs at all during her labour- well except for one little shot of ‘fentanol’ (sic), a mild ‘muscle relaxer’. Ur yeah, that would be fentanyl- a strong opioid/controlled drug. It would relax you alright. No, no, she insists after being challenged, several of her ‘medical friends’ have confirmed it’s only a miilllld analgesic. Hmmm, wonder if all Kath will need is a little muscle relaxation to sail through hers…
Paging all GIF creators! We need one for that fentanyl lollipop intervention episode STAT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCHYV8vIBB8
OMG I remember that episode!
YES!
Maybe KERF will do that with her hips during labor. She’ll say she needs to get everything back in alignment.
This was the best thing in life ever, “Azalea energy” became my username for a long time.
I LOL at the mild muscle relaxer ‘fentanol’ too..
Wonder how often she takes the mild muscle relaxer?
Also? That poor, poor doula.
There is not enough money in the world for someone to take on “helping” Kerf.
Not to mention that there’s no data to support short acting IV opiods in pregnancy — ultimately no real benefit, either in pain control or outcome measures related to birth. If you’re going to get pain relief, epidurals are durable and proven to relieve pain. Not to start a debate, because I see pros and cons to both sides, but most labor epidurals are “lighter” than they were in the past and while they definitely decrease pain, they are not completely deadening as they were in the past.
I just had a baby in November and I didn’t feel jack. It was awesome. I couldn’t even tell when I was having a contraction, the doctor and my sister had to watch the monitors and tell me when to push.
“the manila envelope of healthy living blogging”
best description ever.
From her latest Berf post: “I’m sure the folks with the ominous tones [about how their life will change after kids] have good intentions. Perhaps they just wish they had been more mentally prepared when they were having their first child.”
Yes, Kath your mental prep will help you. As my brother in law described it when my niece was a baby “It’s like you are in the middle of the ocean and you are so tired by you can’t sleep because you will drown and so you just have to keep swimming.” Too bad he didn’t mentally prepare more.
I think it’s impossible to tell anyone who hasn’t been through it how much your life changes once you have kids. Kath is smugly clueless, as usual. I love how she says that all of the BERF commenters are supportive. That’s what happens when she refuses to publish anything BUT supportive comments.
I agree. Unless you’ve seen it first hand, or you’ve heard enough stories, most people have no real clue how it goes. I’ve seen my friends & family go through the first weeks/months, & I’ve heard so many stories about how unprepared people felt that I am completely aware it will be a whole new world of pain. Even though I think I get it, I won’t unti I’m living it.
Oh my fucking GOD could she get any more smug?!?!? How the hell is it her at ALL her right to judge other people’s parental experiences? To imply that people who found that having a child drastically changed their life just weren’t “mentally prepared” enough is so fucking insulting.
I hope she has massive, watery chia seed diarrhea on the table.
I’m so glad someone else hopes she craps all over the table.
I’m pretty sure all of GOMI is pulling for this one.
I love how almost every comment thread has at least one comment to the effect of “I HOPE SHE POOPS THE TABLE.”
Kerf, you’re kind of a smug asshole, but I hope you and your little one have a healthy and happy delivery, and also that you completely poop the table.
Wow, that is possibly the most accurate description of having a newborn I’ve ever read. I read about a treatment for insomnia recently in which you go to a sleep lab for 24 hours and get hooked up to monitors that measure when you’ve fallen asleep, after which point you are awakened every 30 minutes or so. The point is to retrain your body to fall asleep any time, and maybe it helps insomniacs, but it gave me flashbacks to the newborn days. *shudder*
Also, ugh, shut up, Kath. Could she sound any more smug?
She is such a smug shit. It is one thing to want optimism, another thing to completely ignore all advice of already-parents (e.g. the glider issue, the nursery curtains, etc.). She genuinely believes that she knows more about all of this because she has “done her reading” and listened to her stupid Pregtastic podcasts.
She wrote that? Bahahahahahahahaha! The only thing she is mentally prepared for is pregnancy. She has absolutely no idea what she is in for with a newborn. My husband and I always laugh to ourselves when pregnant friends say that the new baby will just fit into their schedule. When this inevitably turns out not to be the case and our friends are exhausted and confused, we are even kind enough not to say, ‘We told you so.” But, oh, do we think it!
Good luck mentally preparing not to be #1 in your life anymore, Kerf.
I hope Kath develops a special boot camp for adults who want to mentally prepare for being parents.
I don’t know how anyone can mentally prepare for a child. She has no clue if the baby will be born healthy (remember the couple who sued the doctor because they would have aborted their Down Syndrome baby?) and you don’t know what’s going to happen to them in life. Preparing for a baby is like preparing for death. No one knows how they will die, and having a baby is in a sense losing your life (life as you know it) so she’s just talking out of her ass.
Every single moment with a kid is uncertain.
A couple of months ago, my 3 year old was diagnosed with Leukemia. It’s been like being thrust back into the newborn phase because life is SO different and SO overwhelming and SO scary. There is no fucking mental preparation possible. You square your shoulders and just somehow do what needs to get done, even if there are days that you spend running to other rooms to cry and scream into pillows.
Ugh. Before now I just read the Kerf threads for amusment, but now I kinda want someone to show up to the hospital and present Every. Single. Person. There. onion rings.
Serious prayers just sent for your babe. I can NOT imagine what you are going through – no how, no way. I know we all find the ‘strength’ when we need it, but as an outsider, I’ll send my strong vibes your way. And healing to your sweet, sweet boy.
Girl ;-)
And a comment like that just gave me the strength for another round of “stick the gross tasting medicine in 5 different things to see which one she’ll accept tonight.” Thank you.
Get it wherever you can girl and please know a stranger is here thinking about you. I have a kid that has surgeries/treatments etc for a birth defect and it’s pretty much a life-long fix so I ‘kind of’ get it. Only because during those times when I see the people of facebook complaining because – their 3 A+ student boys have all made elite sports teams, and OMG!! how on EARTH is mommy going to drag them to EVERYTHING. Then have as their next post ask what to do about all the girls (tee-hee) calling their boys non-stop, and yahooing about how they can’t WAIT to go away w/ their girlfriends for a much deserved weekend after so much driving and winning and red-cup beverages with the other super-fantastic moms/dads and chasing off promiscuous girls andandand… – I want to type in all caps how instead of complaining they should be thanking God for today. It makes me want to punch kittens. Then I remember that I need to step back and realize that even though my kid may have issues change how the world will view and work for him, he’s still alive and healthy. It’s the moms like you whom I bow to. That shit is life and death and it’s all on you. You have to agonize in private while smiling at your baby. Giving him medicine he doesn’t want to take yet having to let him believe it’s all ok and it’s all normal. Ugh… Hugs to you from this anonymous cat.
Thinking of you and your little girl. There’s a girl in my kids’ school who was diagnosed at age 4 with Leukemia, and she is a healthy, feisty 8 year old in remission now. Best wishes for you and your family as you find the strength to get through this and come out the other side healthy and happy.
I know we’re supposed to all be asshole cat ladies here, but I’ve got a three year old, and your post made me fill with tears.
Seriously I will chip in for the onion rings if it makes your journey one iota easier.
Me too on both counts. Prayers and good thoughts, whichever is your pleasure, sent your way.
Oh, sweetheart :( Good vibes being sent your way.
Prayers from here too.
Oh crap, you’re all making me cry. (I tried to type y’all,but I’m Canadian and just can’t).
I didn’t mean for it to come across for pity; I am just unable to stand KERF’s attitude right now. Her ‘woe is me, I have it so hard’ vibe gives me rages.
My daughter got a crap hand; her nickname is the honey badger, though, and she don’t give a shit. We’ll get through this. Now, no more me sads. Give me onions or give me snark!
Honey badger!! That is FANTASTIC. Good luck to you. We’re all rooting for you here.
Aw, good thoughts for the sweet little honey badger!
Aw, Go Honey Badger! Stay strong, mama…you are awesome.
Good luck to her. Hope that mental preparation works out for ya.
Yeesh. Yes, please, mentally prepare yourself for sleep deprivation. Your strong mind will scoff at your body’s need for rest.
God forbid (and I mean it) this woman gets PPD because she really will have no idea what to do or how to get help.
It’s pretty easy to prepare yourself for sleep deprivation. Set an alarm clock to go off every hour, or better yet, just stay up for two days straight.
Jezebel (Yeah, Jezebel. Huh.) had an amusing article about this last week.
http://jezebel.com/5912433/youre-so-not-almost-ready-for-a-baby-even-if-you-think-you-are
ETA: To prepare for sleep deprivation:
“Wake up every two hours at night, punch yourself in the face, walk around for 28 minutes pleading in jibberish. Go back to sleep. Repeat.”
Word! PPD is some serious stuff. Before I had my first, I thought I’d be moody and stuff. Maybe a little tired. I was NOT prepared for the shitstorm of PPD that hit me. I just love people who think it’s dramatics or tell you to ‘relax’ or sleep when the baby sleeps. Just doesn’t work that way.
Those people suck.
She’s going to eat her placenta(in pill form) so she won’t have PPD and her mom said she hoped to try some for her menopause.
Her mom??? OK, so I’m going through menopause right now, (on the early side according to the norm, but on the very late side according to all my female relatives who were done at 40), and if someone handed me some friggin’ placenta pills I’d laugh. It isn’t that bad, but the hot flashes make me look like a criminal who just ran from the cops. Oh, and the sleep problems on top of the life-long sleep problems. Wait, and the meno-pot belly. But placenta? Thanks but I’ll take my HRT and a box of Franzia please.
So her mom is going to eat her daughter’s placenta? Eww…
“”Since human mothers don’t consume their placentas like most (all?) mammals, there’s a trend for them to do so. If it’s too much for a mom to cook it up and eat with a knife and fork, she can have the placenta encapsulated and pop it like a vitamin. Studies have shown this helps with post-partum depression AND perhaps menopause. I’m going to sneak one of Kath’s. I’ve got a few symptoms left. Love to see what a little dried placenta will do. Report to come. (You can read an abstract for one study here.)”
http://friendfortheride.wordpress.com/2012/05/30/baby/
Gross. I can’t think of anything my Mom would have like to do less than eat my placenta.
Jesus F’in Christ. There certainly no doubt as to where kerf gets her crazy. The poor loaf child doesn’t stand a chance.
Oh that has to be the most condescending, smug-assed thing she’s ever said.
I gotta say, I didn’t get the whole KERF thing here, but now I’m starting to get it.
That’s the thing. She’s mostly boring but at regular intervals drops these bombs of smugness. If you’ve only seen one it’s easy to think she just had a bad day and isn’t expressing herself well. Then you realize that’s just how she is.
I know there was a lot of debate in the forums about why kath is so disliked and for me it just comes down to smugness + lack of awareness + commenters who just fuel her ego to drive traffic to their own blogs. Not to mention having any kind of discussion with her is pointless. She’s incapable of understanding things from other people’s points of view and anytime someone disagrees it’s just that they’ve understood her wrong.
I think her food blog is totally boring. I don’t care about oatmeal, the bakery, all of those disgusting sandwiches. I didn’t even care enough to try to figure out the smugness etc.
But I’m seeing the smugness coming out now via BERF. I’m seeing it.
Just when I think she couldn’t get any more smug. Yes there are people who make rude backhanded comments (and this occurs with anything not just pregnancy) but has it ever occurred to her that these people may just be trying to give her a realistic point of view? Or that it’s a little rude to imply that anyone else beside her wasn’t prepared? I’m not a mom but I laugh at the notion that listening to 500 bazillion mommy podcasts as she does can ever really prepare her for the experience of being a mother. Not to mention it seems like in the media people are more obsessed with the OMG cute aspect of babies that involves buying cute clothing, decorating nurseries, showers, etc. vs. the reality of what comes next. Not to mention the advice does seem fitting for someone like Kath whose life 100% revolves around herself and rarely does things for other people.
I get being frustrated after awhile when people are being negative, but Kath’s whole MO seems to be to ignore anything she doesn’t want to hear and to assume that if people have a different point of view there must be something wrong with them. It honestly makes me sad for her because being that closed off means missing out on an opportunity to see things differently and really grow.
But who knows if anyone will get to truly have an “I told you so” moment because let’s face it, unless she’s trying to play the martyr card, she sugar coats everything and prefers to keep her life looking perfect vs. being a true reflection. Hello omitting any mention of the Kath Eats farmers market scandal. Not to mention I’m sure if anything she does isn’t perfect she’ll find a way of blaming it on someone else. I found it telling that in her school days if she didn’t get a perfect grade the professor was suddenly a turkey.
Not to mention. Some of her comments about marriage are insane. I know the transition is less so if you’ve already lived together, but most married people I know concede that marriage is not always easy – full of compromise. How much do you want to be it is easy for Kath because Matt just relents to whatever she wants. Look at the whole baby scenario. Doesn’t exactly sound like they waited until both people were on the same page.
She may be in for a rude awakening when she realizes that she cannot just manipulate the baby like she does Matt. Or more realistically someone like Karen will be doing all the work.
Sorry I am not sorry about the hate she’s receiving. She’s supposedly a professional writer with a PR background. She should know how to phrase things better to come off like less of an asshole.
There is honestly no way in hell she is going to be honest post baby. She might be like “oh, it is so much harder! teehee!” but she isn’t going to be real about anything. She can’t be. I think she really buys into her own hype. And she knows she is such a smug bitch that at least half her readers are hoping for her to snap, and she could never give them the satisfaction.
Oh no, she will complain and find a way to explain how her baby is just more difficult than other people’s because it is gifted and just wakes up and cries every forty-five minutes because their bond is so strong.
See – I needed that kind of thinking when my oldest was born. They nicknamed him Dracula in the nursery. It was funny until I got home. I only WISH I thought it was because he was special. OK, I thought he was ‘special’ all right – I thought I was raising Jeffrey Dahmer or something.
I think the commenters who were “dissenting” and “being negative” were undoubtedly trying to help her prepare. There are definitely lots of horror stories out there, but I don’t think anyone’s deliberately trying to scare her, despite her insistence to the contrary. I don’t care how much reading she’s done, she could learn a ton if she paid any attention to the advice being offered, even if she took it with a giant grain of salt.
Plus, knowing her usual readers, they’re undoubtedly trying to bond or whatever, to what end, God knows. My guess is a number of the ones she’s waving off in dismissal are getting their feelings hurt because she’s totally misread their intentions. I wish they’d all get wise to her unholy smugness and put her out of a job, already.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA somebody slap me I am hysterical
Why is she squatting in that picture? Weird. Weird angle weird pose, weird.
Also, her birth wish list is pretty much unnecessary if she’s chosen her OB/MW and hospital wisely. All of that was SOP with the CNMs I saw and the hospital where I delivered. And you know what? In the heat of transition, I gave two shits about everything. When it was time to push, my CNM asked what position I wanted to be in and I was like “wut…so out of it…just tell me what to do.”
“Why is she squatting in that picture? ” She is preparing. Gah, you don’t know anything!
just like she has prepared for labor by breathing through the pain of stubbing her toe!
Please tell me you made that up. PLEASE.
I’m only a little ashamed to say that I went back and found this for your enjoyment:
” I generally think my pain threshold is pretty high. I tolerate headaches, menstrual cramps, stubbed toes, painful surgery foot stiffness and sore muscles well, although I do turn to medication when I need to be in my best shape such as during a special event. For years whenever I have stubbed my toe or knocked a body part into bruise territory, I have breathed through the pain like I’m in labor… “for practice.” I do pretty well in these situations. When it comes to emergency pain – glass in the hand, fingers stuck in a door, needles jabbed into the flesh – I don’t do well at all, but those are not “natural” pains. They break things. The pain that comes with contractions doesn’t mean that something is wrong, unlike a lot of other types of pain. “
OH girl. The reality is that giving birth feels exactly like pooping out a watermelon. You can’t practice that.
My Friday has been MADE.
Is she stubbing her toe every 3-4 minutes, progressively harder, for hours on end? Because that would be funny.
She probably holds a lot of ice cubes too. None of that is remotely like labor. Nothing is. Did it med free and it was a lot of work. Not impossible work, but hard work. And nothing like stubbing a toe or holding an ice cube.
Hmm….yeah…..Close, close….she has good experience, although I’m a little concerned that she didn’t do too well with broken glass in her hand….IME I’d say a drug-free birth feels more like the glass in your vadge while your stomach is being slammed in a door at the same time while someone is sticking needles in it. Something like that.
Biscuit, that was truly awesome. Thank you!
If this doesn’t post right, my apologies in advance.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I’ve not just stubbed but broken my toes about a million times and breathing through the pain doesn’t help as much as swearing through the pain does.
Dude “I tolerate headaches and menstruel cramps” is not an indicator for a high threshold for pain. bwhahahaha. This bitch.
I have not given birth but have had my upper tibia purposely broken, had a wedge removed (by a surgeon), rearranged like origami and then screwed back together. Even with that — and I was heavily medicated after (although not “fentanol” level), I still think aspects of child birth would be more painful. She is clueless.
I think we had exactly the same surgery! (Fulkerson osteotomy, aka patellar realingment). Side note: they did give me some fentanyl afterwards and it is NOT mild. It is trippy stuff. I clearly remember deciding that breathing wasn’t really important and I shouldn’t do it. Needless to say, this did not end well and I did not have another dose of that stuff. I agree that while I have endured horrible pain — it felt like someone was driving a wedge heated to 1000 K into my tibia — from surgery and complications after surgery I imagine that this will be totally irrelevant when I someday give birth. My mother who had two ten lb. babies without drugs says that it is completely different than any other feeling and I believe her.
HA. I’m sorry, but contractions feel like something is fucking wrong.
I had a ton of bravado going into childbirth- I figured, “I run marathons, I know from pain, this is going to be just like an endurance event and I’m going to rock it.” NOPE. It hurt so, so much, so much so that when I ended up having an emergency C after only making it to 5cm or so I was like OH THANK CHRIST. I still have no clue how people labor to 10cm and then push babies out. No clue.
BWAHAHAHAHA! Menstrual cramps! Oh yes, that is exactly what labor feels like. Sweet Jeebus, is she in for one hell of an eye-opening experience.
I laughed out loud at this. Did she really prepare for labor by breathing through her stubbed toe? If so, she is in for the SURPRISE of her life! Hahaha
When my epidural ran out by accident, I was shocked not only by how much labor hurt, but that anything on earth could possibly hurt that much.
I remember thinking, “how has my pelvis not EXPLODED?” The pain! And the pressure!
oh my GOD the pressure. I had back labor with my second and thought: “good jesus, if I can walk after this fucking nightmare it will be a miracle, my spine has SURELY popped out my back at this point”
And it’s a deeeeeep pain. Not like cutting or stubbing your toe – it’s a moving, primal pain. Females can relate to it a tiny bit if they get really bad cramps. I tell them it’s like that – except imagine the worst cramps you’ve had, x it by 10, and imagine it coming from the center of the earth. You know those inflatable blood pressure contraptions? That. Around your entire mid-section only way more squeezing.
I remember telling a coworker after I had my son (by the time I begged for my epidural, it was too late, so I got nothing, not even friggin’ ice chips & I’m still bitter about that) that it was a bizarre sensation of my nethers being completely numb and on fire at the same time as having the worst possible menstrual cramps X100.
When the midwife at the hospital turned my epidural off ON PURPOSE (with the admonition, I shit you not, “It’s not supposed to be fun!”), I was similarly shocked. After having a very active, healthy pregnancy, that labor kicked. the. shit. out. of. me. It took me 6 years to be ready to do THAT again. There’s a lot of self-diagnosed labor-related PTSD out there, but it really was traumatic in a way that was deeply upsetting for a very long time.
Did you see the picture where she had a clothes pin on her ear because that was like labor pain?
No, please post or direct. Thank you.
“Much to Matt’s happiness (I kid) we did have some role playing, but it was pretty fun : ) Clothespins on the ears and ice in the palm simulated early and active labor. I loved being all over the ball and rolling around while Matt put his hands on my back.”
There is even a picture!
http://www.katheats.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/2012-05-18-20.20.32_thumb.jpg
the picture: http://www.katheats.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/2012-05-18-20.20.32_thumb.jpg
The post: http://www.babykerf.com/25-weeks-thoughts-on-childbirth-class/
“Women need to feel safe and secure in a relaxed mental state before their bodies will allow them to go into labor (this is obviously not scientific, but it makes sense). When you think about animals who go find a quiet place alone to give birth, you can imagine we humans might mentally seek a similar peacefulness for labor to begin. (Ina May’s book confirms this!)”
Pretty sure animals find a “quiet place alone to give birth” so they can drop their crotch crickets without being eaten by a predator, Kath. That’s like saying animals sleep in dens because they need darkness and quiet to sleep. And women go into labor for physical reasons. That kid comes when it’s ready to come, no matter how relaxed your mental or emotional state.
At this point Kath sounds like those girls on 16 & Pregnant who go “I saw ‘For Keeps’! I know all about pregnancy and birth!” Fuckwit.
LOOKS SNARK ALERT PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE THENTHITIVE
Christ she’s so incredibly HOMELY. Between the wookie Matth and stress ball shaped Kath I am honestly just glad their spawn isn’t a girl. That kid would have enough problems with them as parents, but to be a fur covered midget with roomy buttocks? I really hope they stop procreating after this but if my experience is any indication, it seems like these days once a woman shits one kid out they start dropping them 1-3 years apart until something intervenes. They’ll probably create at least 2 more unattractive genetic combinations before Matth finally makes a decision on his own and gets his nuts cut.
Seriously it’s good that they found each other because I honestly can’t imagine why anyone would be sexually attracted to either one of these people.
What the what?
It’s like they kind of look like normal attractive-enough people at a first quick glance, but then as you keep looking…there is just something, I dunno…..Hmmm
In case this is out of position I am answering party pants.
Larbs is absolutely drop dead stunning. Oh the jealousy.
You are right that the majority of her wish list is unnecessary if she has the right team. That’s what’s so important. You have to just be comfortable knowing they won’t do shit unless it’s really necessary, and that’s so hard. And if you have the kind of people that need to read these “wishes” the chances of them actually following it in the heat of the moment are slim.
Honestly (and this is from someone who also engaged in this pre-birth crazy prep), she’s probably scared because the birth is ultimately something she can’t control, so she’s making a list because then at least it feels like she’s doing SOMETHING.
My “birth plan” next time around will look a whole lot different than the first time.
“she’s probably scared because the birth is ultimately something she can’t control, so she’s making a list because then at least it feels like she’s doing SOMETHING.”
BINGO. The only lesson one should learn from birth is that it is so out of your control it’s insane. At least that’s the lesson 2 emergency c-sections garnered me. When my attempted VBAC ended in a catastrophic uterine rupture I was BEYOND glad I had a team of doctors, doulas and nurses that I trusted implicitly. They are trained for that shit so they didn’t even panic, they got me and Baby2 through it safely and in one piece.
I can’t imagine. Glad you and your babies are OK!
Your second paragraph is right on. By the time I got to the labor and delivery part, I trusted my OB implicitly. He told me from the beginning that his job was to make sure the baby got here safely. That’s what I wanted. So no birth plan/wish list/fairy tale needed.
I was induced. I had an IV. I had an epidural. I pushed (gasp) on my back. He used forceps.
End result: Healthy baby boy, born vaginally. I’m good.