Food Blogging

“Gluten Free Girl” Wants You To Pay For Her Eating Tour

Shauna James Ahern, totally expert cooking instruction giver over at Gluten Free Girl, wants to write a fourth cookbook called American Classics, Reinvented. Apparently no other person anywhere has provided recipes on how to make “classic” American food in a gluten free manner, and Shauna and her dirty-fingernailed chef husband want to fill that void.

Obviously they can’t just buy a few Good Housekeeping cookbooks from the 1940s and go grocery shopping. No, they need to “experience” the food. In order to make that happen, they are asking the internets to give them $15,000 so they can drive around the US eating food:

We want to sit in barbecue joints in North Carolina, eat dim sum in San Francisco, make pie with wild Maine blueberries, drizzle honey on warm sopapillas in Santa Fe, and watch pizza being fired in great places in Brooklyn. Of course, Shauna can’t eat any of this. But Danny and Lucy can. And Shauna can take photographs, talk to the chefs, and take notes.

The book already has a publisher and the pair have even received an advance, but they are quashing any questions about why they can’t fund this themselves by saying “This idea of traveling through the country to experience the food where it’s made? It’s our idea, not the kind publishers pay for, really” (I guess she’s never heard of ‘Eat, Pray, Love’?). And to cover all their bases, they’ve warned you that even if they get the $15k, “Life could happen” delaying the nomtrip.

After her behavior during the Hot Widow Boots donation scandal one has to wonder who on earth would want to hand over free cash to this woman just so she can indulge in what amounts to a gastro-vacation.




  1. You have got to be fucking kidding me with this. That woman is utterly loathsome.

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    • avatar My Cat Has Puckered Lips

      This fat fuck has Celiac disease? Riiiiiggght. Why is she begging for money if she's already published three cookbooks? Sounds like a MckMama scam in the making to me. Why is the Internet filled with freeloaders like this woman? Why???!!! And why on earth would anyone give money to this dumb bitch to travel around with her creepy husband and kid. Why??!! I can't take it!

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      • avatar catnip overdose

        Love, love LOVE your name.

        Wow, kickstarter's getting pretty lame. I don't get the just "pay for our trip, which we might or might not take." I think they could do just as well if they read the classic on cross-country trip eating-
        Janet and Michael Stern's "Road Food." Available on amazon for next to nothin', and theyve even got a whole website dedicated to the same thing!

        Just what the world needs, another gluten-free cookbook. Hasn't this trend jumped the shark yet?
        It's right up there with 'hypoglycemia' in the 80's. And yes, i know that some people are legitimately gluten intolerant and i'm (thello friends w/celiac, I'll cook anything you can eat w/love) not dissing them; it's the other 85% of the nuts who want to be special dietary snowflakes that are so annoying.

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      • avatar seven-dollar sandwich

        She is indeed, loathsome. An entitled, bratty overgrown child who wants to go on a vacation with her family. Yeah, me too, and I wouldn't begin to ask anyone to fund it. What a snot.

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        • avatar My Cat Has Puckered Lips

          Yeah, I guess her free trip to Italy isn't enough. She wants another free "vacation." I don't know why it surprises me - people like that always find a way to work the system. They have steel balls and are shameless! It seems like the world is full of them - this fat fuck, that disgusting widow that got a 529 plan funded for free, MckMama, and MckMama's friend with a dozen children. They're parasites, and I bet they laugh all the way to the bank.

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        • avatar My Cat Has Puckered Lips

          Yeah, I guess her free trip to Italy isn't enough. She wants another free "vacation." I don't know why it surprises me - people like that always find a way to work the system. They have steel balls and are shameless! It seems like the world is full of them - this fat fuck, that disgusting widow who got a 529 plan funded for free, MckMama, and MckMama's friend with a dozen children. They're parasites, and I bet they laugh all the way to the bank.

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      • avatar Gluten-Free Cat Lady

        There are indeed fat people with celiac - something like 39% of people with celiac are overweight when they're diagnosed, and many more might be missed because of the celiac = skeletal stereotype - but she is the worst otherwise.

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        • avatar Nut Butter Girl

          I agree, her weight has nothing to do with her insufferability. People with celiac can be overweight due to malnourishment--when your body is not getting the nutrients it needs it can go into starvation mode and hold on to all the calories in at attempt to compensate. Sometimes this resolves on a gluten free diet, but not always.

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          • avatar falimako

            Also, there is plenty of awesome food that will make you gain weight that is gluten free. My sister in law has celiac and was overweight for a long time. She has brought over some wicked gluten-free cakes that make me gain weight just looking at them.

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    • avatar asdg

      I HAVE CELIACS DISEASE.

      Where's my $15,000 for a road-trip cross country? D:

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  2. I tried to take five seconds of deep breaths but I'm still pissed. This is worse than those friends of KERF throwing themselves a benefit for their rich white people food blog. Shit like this is what's ruining Kickstarter and Indiegogo.

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    • Kickstarter has rapidly turned into a massive joke to me. At this point it seems to be nothing but people coming up with totally ridiculous "projects" simply to justify asking for outrageous amounts of money. This is seriously nothing more than Shauna wanting people to fund her fucking foodcation around the US, period. If it had been vital to the production of the book I'm sure the publisher would have taken the cost into consideration when negotiating the advance.

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      • Not to mention that she has already published three books that I think all sold pretty well, plus they just bought a giant ass new house, went on a trip to Italy, etc etc. I'm not sure what my point is other than to note indignantly that if they want to gallivant across the nation shoving dim sum down their throats or whatever, I find it really fucking hard to believe that she can't afford to do that without help.

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        • avatar Nut Butter Girl

          OH, don't get me started on her Italy trips. You can't be bothered to hold cooking classes in your own Vashon Island kitchen? Or in Seattle? For people who claim to lurve where they live, they sure do leave home a lot.

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          • avatar TurkeyVulture

            This bitch is on Vashon? Imma go and poop on her porch.

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        • avatar Aoife

          Actually, they don't own the house- they've never owned a condo or house. Their beater car was given to them by her parents. Their credit cards are constantly turned down when they go out to eat with "friends," so others foot the bill. For the past 10 years, they've both been consistently pursued by collection agencies (this is public record). They dropped $25k of money begged from their families on an adoption that will likely never happen, given the desperate stuff she posts on her personal FB page (no birth mothers will consider them, she now wants to know about fostering, etc). They can't afford their lifestyle at all. Their Italy trips are funded- mindboggling- by an Italian GF pasta company who are either dumb as shit or totally conned.

          And then they go for this kickstarter nonsense. The whole family is such a fucking joke. No wonder most of the food world hates them.

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          • avatar Bread Blow Job

            She's already been brought to court by creditors looking to collect. Look up King County in Washington's judicial database, it's all public record. Very disingenuous to be begging for food vacation money when you can't pay your existing bills.

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            • avatar Aoife

              They left all of their expensive electronic toys, book manuscript, AND HER WALLET in their car recently, overnight... in a motel parking lot. In Eugene, city of rampant car thefts. So naturally, the car was jacked.

              She then proceeded to moan all over the internet about it, saying that her swimsuit was stolen and they couldn't afford to replace it.

              There is no way she's paying $10k/month for a PR person. Per year? Perhaps. And she's getting grifted on that as good as she gives.

              (And this is why people should be given a Can I Manage Normal Adult Responsibilities? exam before they are allowed to procreate.)

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              • avatar Aoife

                (Not to mention the fact that they don't have basic accounts like retirement savings, if her internet commentary is to be believed).

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              • avatar dvz

                Why am I not surprised that EVERYTHING of any value was left in the car? She can claim it all on the insurance reimbursement. She left her wallet in there too? Yeah, of course.

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              • avatar Ghost of Hello Kitty

                Well, the wallet was supposedly found in the car with nothing missing. The 'thief' drove it 3 blocks or so and dumped it without stripping anything on a car commonly stolen for its strip value. The whole story just seems really fishy.

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              • avatar Aoife

                Her wallet was left but I think the cash was gone. They probably tried the cards and they didn't work.

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          • Wow, I did not know any of that. Yikes. That's even more of a hot mess than I had in mind.

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      • avatar Clamato

        Thank you for posting this topic, partypants, and shining a light on such loathsome shenanigans. I appreciate your site.

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      • avatar Babby Forming, Despite Life-Threatening Heels

        The Zach Braff Kickstarter incident really put me over the edge with this bullshit.

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      • avatar Hater Face

        THANK YOU!

        If you have an idea for a project, do it because you love it. Not because you expect people to hand you money to do it.

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        • avatar twisted pearls

          I used to love Zach Braff. Scrubs is the best medical show since M.A.S.H. This just ain't right.

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      • avatar cingria

        It's such a shame that the website has come to that. There are some great, high-quality projects, but no one has the time to dig through all the crap to find them.

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  3. avatar TurkeyVulture

    Okay, so knowing what I know about the publishing industry, this sounds potentially dangerous for her (as in, contract-breaking.) I read the part about how this bit is their idea, and the publishers won't pay for it, and a few questions were immediately raised.

    1) What are the terms of her contract? What kind of a book is the publisher expecting? Advances on nonfiction are typically for a very specific end product with little wiggle room. If a publisher didn't factor in travel money for going from region to region, then I can bet you this isn't meant to be a regional cookbook, and is therefore not likely to be what the publisher is expecting. Enjoy having to pay back all that advance money and then some when you fail to produce the kind of product they ordered. Publishers are in a bit of a crisis right now, and they are responding by getting more draconian and terrifying and restrictive with their contracts, not less. Lol.

    2) She doesn't have an agent, does she? I think most of the agents currently working are total bullshit, so I don't think that writers particularly need one. But if you want different terms on your contract you sure as shit do, because they know all the ins and outs of negotiating you a slightly less draconian and terrifying contract. (They take more of your money to do it, so it's sometimes not worth it.)

    3) Maybe the publisher is expecting a traveling/regional cookbook, but they only gave her a $2000 advance (the typical sum nowadays) and told her the rest is up to her. Another time it would be good to have an agent, to squeeze some travel expenses out of the publishers.

    4) what is her deadline like? All this picking blueberries in the woods of Maine and pressing artisanal hipster honey out of Santa Fean beehives is going to take some serious time. Bitch, you've got a book to write. See #1 for what publishers will do when you breach your contract and fail to turn in a book by the specified time.

    Conclusion: She signed a shitty contract with a crap advance and doesn't know what to do with herself now to produce what she promised to produce.

    It is to laugh.

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    • The part that made me lol is when she said blah blah if we don't get the money then we will just do it in our kitchen. So...why don't you just do that now?

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      • avatar Miss Noir

        Because her kitchen is fucking filthy, that's why.

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      • avatar Sister Friend

        A friend of mine is writing a gluten free cookbook right now (with a publishing advance), and it is costing her ... nothing. She got every classic american cookbook out of the library, secured long-term usage of them, and is rewriting the recipes to make them gluten free by making the first version, eating it, then trying to recreate the exact same mouth feel and taste, without gluten.

        I don't get why they are travelling. Are those places going to give her their recipes? No. So what is the point?

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        • avatar DoubleEntendre

          ad-10-cents-gets-you-nuts.gif

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        • avatar BelindaG

          Once they meet her, I'm sure she thinks that the chefs/owners will just fall all over themselves to give her their recipes and beg her to adapt them. You bet.

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      • avatar Clamato

        With all the resources on the Internet/at the library, you could compare lots of recipes for, say, lobster rolls, rather than just wandering around and trying whatever restaurant you stumble upon. Makes no sense to include the travel part.

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    • avatar Whatever

      No, here's the deal (all of this info is available online):

      1) she has a very well known and respected agent.
      2) she gets very good advances for her books
      3) her publisher is Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, formerly Wiley--a top publisher
      4) she currently pays for $10,000/month PR person on top of the publicity she gets from HMH, so she's got the cash for that somehow
      5) the Italy trip they do each year is free--that pasta company gives it to them
      6) they rent their house
      7) part of the Kickstarter thing is a section where if you give $100, they will "adapt" and use a recipe you give them. So, 100 of the recipes in this book could come from other people. Think about it.

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      • avatar TheIslandyIsland

        Holy crap, she's paying $10,000 a month for a PR person? She obviously has a lot more money than she
        claims to have.

        Did she consult with this highly paid person before she pulled this latest stunt? Because it's got "bad PR" written
        all over it.

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      • I refuse to believe she pays 10k a month for PR. There's just no way she is making that kind of money.

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        • avatar DoubleEntendre

          Maybe it's in Italian lire.

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        • avatar therealsally

          Not only is there no way she could be paying $10,000/month for a PR person, if she was, she's not getting her money's worth.

          (I mean, I assume the first thing a PR person would say would be: "Fire me and spend 1/10 of this money on a decent proofreader/editor.")

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        • avatar Whatever

          Her PR person is Carrie Bachman. High powered PR person. Among her other clients are folks like Mario Batali. Shauna doesn't appear in her client list, but it you look at her bookstore signings, Carrie's email appears as the contact person.

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          • avatar Allison

            Carrie Bachman is the publisher's PR person. HMH hires freelancers to help with signings and events.

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      • avatar Gluten-Free Cat Lady

        Where is this online? I haven't been able to find anything myself yet.

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    • avatar nommerson mcgee

      The deal announcement was in Publishers Marketplace in Feb:

      Creator of glutenfreegirl.com and author of Gluten-Free Girl and the Chef and the upcoming Gluten-Free Girl Every Day Shauna James Ahern and Daniel Ahern's GLUTEN-FREE GIRL AMERICAN CLASSICS, another collection of gluten-free recipes, this time focusing on classic American comfort foods, to Justin Schwartz at Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, for publication in Spring 2015...

      PM has a deal key so you can ballpark what kind of advance a book got. Shauna has 3 deals listed altogether and there is only one that suggests the amount she was paid--it was for her second book & it was a 'very nice deal' which means she got anywhere $50,000 - $99,000 for it. (I'm guessing she got the lower to middle end of that spectrum & that's nothing to sneeze at, esp since it's for one book.) I don't know what she got for this one, but I imagine it'd be around the same amount unless her last book performed poorly and even then I can't see it being THAT much less. Advances are typically paid in halves or thirds... her advance could go toward this. I think Eat Pray Love chick roamed around the world on HER advance but don't quote me on that. But then that wasn't a cookbook. idk.

      I can't even with this Kickstarter fund of hers. I wish someone would pay me to drive around and eat.

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      • avatar TurkeyVulture

        actually, break that down into publisherese. While yes, $50k - $99K is a solid chunk of change for any human being, here's how it is typically paid out under the huge majority of contracts:

        1/3 at signing.
        1/3 when she delivers an acceptable manuscript, however long that takes.
        1/3 on release date, typically 18 - 24 months after signing.

        Her agent takes 15% of each check. Assuming she got a $100K advance, each check before taxes and after agent's fees is $28,050.

        Then she has to pay her taxes, assuming she doesn't just decide to not pay them. I live in her area and I am also a writer, so I happen to know that between federal taxes and local taxes for small business owners (which is how you are technically supposed to file as a writer in this area) she pays about 25% in taxes, or about $7000 per check.

        So even if she got $100K for her advance, her total profits from this book deal are $63K, divided by two years because that's how long it takes to collect it all from the publishers. $31,500 per year. If she is indeed paying a publicist $10K per month (not unheard of, as now all the big publishers are all but requiring their authors to do this and it typically gives very little in profits, if anything), then she is vastly in the hole, but that's her dumb fault for believing she should hire a publicist. If she is paying $10K a month (seems much more reasonable to me), then she is making $21,000 per year, although at least the publicist is something she can claim on her taxes, again assuming she hasn't found a way to weasel out of them altogether.

        Anyway, $21K. I make a lot more than that at my day job.

        Broken down like that, under the harsh reality of the publishing machine, it's easy to see why even a "very good" advance is kind of bullshit, and why everybody is fleeing this sinking ship to self-publish.

        I wonder how she'd do hawking her cookbooks entirely on her own. My guess is, not all that well, as most of the foodblogging world thinks she's a turd.

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        • avatar TurkeyVulture

          *$10K a YEAR in Income Scenario Two, not month. Sorry; my bad. My face is full of quesadillas.

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          • avatar anadyne

            10K a year, whew. I was about to look into becoming a publicist, and I didn't really want to.

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    • avatar Aoife

      She has an editor- he's a total joke, too. Obvs.

      Here is his literary masterpiece:

      http://www.amazon.com/Marshmallow-Fluff-Cookbook-Justin-Schwartz/dp/0762418338

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      • avatar Bread Blow Job

        I'd rather read 50 Unsavory Uses for Marshmallow Fluff. What a culinary joke.

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      • avatar Edith

        Who needs a recipe for Marshmallow Fluff? Spoon it straight from the jar into mouth.

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      • avatar Clamato

        A work for the ages...

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    • avatar Aoife

      I would like to know why Shauna wants people to give up their family recipes AND pay her cash for the privilege, just to see her make money in book sales off said family recipes that don't really belong to her.

      It's skeevy as hell.

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      • ^^^ THIS! Give me money and recipes and I'll mention your name. Seems legit!

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        • avatar Aoife

          Right? What a twatty load of waffle.

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    • avatar brittasbagels

      I both do and don't agree with what you wrote. I did raise my eyebrows at their kickstarter bonus that said they'd use your recipe as the starter for one in the book, and they had a limit of 100. If 100 people pledge at this level, the vast majority of the book will be dictated by their donors, which is crazy since proposals tend to include a projected recipe list. Maybe they didn't have to write a proposal, maybe their publisher gives them lots of wiggle room...but it still seems insane.

      As to your points:

      1. They already said it's a regional cookbook, focusing on 10 regions in the US. It's on the kickstarter page. I would be very surprised if they didn't run this idea by their publisher first, anyhow.

      2. Why would she not have an agent? Pretty much every cookbook author I know, who has found with any sort of success, has an agent. They're invaluable and totally worth the $$.

      3. Uh, $2000 sounds crazy low for an established cookbook author's advance. Your number and statements about publishing really don't mesh with my experience in the food writing world. (1 book published, 1 manuscript turned in, in the middle of a third proposal.) My guess is closer to $30,000, or maybe more since she has a big online following and is bringing her own brand. Seriously. I know a lot of other cookbook authors as well and I don't know of anyone who has received such a small advance for a cookbook from a big publisher.

      I've never read her blog (I eat gluten like a boss) and think the kickstarter idea is super tacky, just had to chime in with my own cookbook publishing experience.

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      • avatar TurkeyVulture

        Wow, glad to hear the NY cookbook world isn't tanking as fast as the NY fiction world is. I am in fiction, and have no experience with cookbooks, and didn't realize there is still a relatively strong industry for them with the Big Five. $2000 is now the average advance for fiction, so yeah, it's getting pretty ridiculous out there on my end of the spectrum.

        As for agents, I have found them to be virtually useless (though one or two seem to be wising up). I worked with two of the biggest for two years, and I still grit my teeth over what an utter waste of time that whole experience was.

        But again...fiction vs. cookbooks. Makes me wish I wrote cookbooks.

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        • avatar brittasbagels

          Well, cookbook authors sometimes have to pay for their own photographs (which can run 10-20k) and indexing, and ingredients, and paid recipe testers and the ingredients for those recipe testers. So the advance gets eaten away pretty easily. But 2k! Man is that rough. Now I have even more respect for some of my fave lesser-known authors. Thanks for sharing the perspective from the other side.

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      • avatar Aoife

        Really, her unkempt daughter is bringing the brand- which explains why Shauna plasters the poor kid all over kingdom come.

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  4. avatar LucilleOne

    I don't understand any of this. So, all this great food they want to go eat, Shauna can't eat any of. So the author of the cookbook wants you to pay for her husband and daughter to eat all the food that she won't even be eating nor writing about? She wants the Internet to finance a cross-country tour for some normal food for the husband and daughter because they haven't had any non-gluten-free food in a long while and they're having some cravings, cravings they can't satisfy at home? And what the hell is she going to talk to the chefs about? Is she hoping they happen to have some gluten-free recipes that they'll just hand over? I don't understand! It's as nonsensical as saying, "I want to write a cookbook about sushi. So please give me lots of money so I can eat in every Mexican restaurant in the country."

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    • avatar Jen Zatoth

      I hate to tell Shauna this, but with all the food allergies going on, most restaurants in big cities offer gluten free versions and will adapt dishes for special requests. So this whole thing is pretty pointless.

      I'll give her enough to go buy a copy of the Route 66 cookbook. Trip over.

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  5. avatar Jesse CATsopolis

    I would like to start a fundraiser for myself, as well. I need $5000 so I can take a trip to the Caribbean. I have no food allergies, so I can eat anything I want. Please donate, internets. Uncle Jesse needs a vacation!

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    • avatar WeeWillyWinkie

      Fairy-Godmother.jpg

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      • avatar DoubleEntendre

        This has given me a chuckle every time I scroll the page.

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  6. avatar Maisie

    "Once I pull apart sourdough bread from Tartine Bakery in San Francisco — and wash my hands afterwards — I’ll know more about the texture we’re trying to reach."

    Oh shut up, Shauna.

    My mother and I both have celiac disease and somehow we have managed to go through our entire lives without saying this kind of crap. She makes me want to stab many, many things.

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    • avatar Ghost of Hello Kitty

      Shouldn't her 'chef' husband know what sourdough bread is supposed to be like anyway? Why do they have to go to SF to learn about something one of them should already know? He never took a single baking class at the CI he went to? I know he didn't graduate, but I am assuming you don't pay $$$ to not even learn how to bake bread. Could be wrong.

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      • avatar Automne

        I attend the same culinary school Danny Ahern did and culinary students have a baking class and a plated desserts class. Just like baking & pastry students (of which I am) have a few culinary classes like Cooking Theory and Sensory Analysis (and everybody takes Knife Skills and ServSafe. You have to pass your ServSafe certification before you can continue on).

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    • avatar Automne

      My roommate did her internship at Tartine Bakery. They would eat Shauna and Danny alive there.

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      • avatar Maisie

        I love that they assume all of these restaurants are going to be 100% over-the-moon excited to be graced with their presence. Even if they weren't such obnoxious people, there's still the issue of dealing with a four-year-old in a commercial kitchen.

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      • avatar snoogerbot

        Well, not so fast - there's a 6 degrees of separation deal here in that GFG performed the wedding ceremony for Molly Wizenberg and her spouse Brandon Pettit who owns a pizza place in Ballard WA called Delancey and who is partnered with a woman named Brandi Henderson in a business called The Pantry at Delancey who has done ... an internship at Tartine Bakery.

        I've taken some classes at The Pantry and learned a lot but nothing anywhere near related to gluten-free anything.

        I keep up with some food circles - old habit from when Jim (not Jeff) Leff still owned Chowhound and I mingled with the Bay Area 'hounds.

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        • avatar Daffy Duck

          Molly "I had to breed and now I've got the sands & regret it" Wizenberg?

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          • avatar Bread Blow Job

            Post-partum depression is Molly's buyer's remorse.

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  7. avatar DoubleEntendre

    You want money? What's in it for me?

    tumblr_lw8csf1qkj1qhl6oao1_250.gif

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  8. avatar Kara

    I also have celiac disease and I have tried many of her recipes. Some of them aren't good. In my opinion, creating really good gluten-free recipes takes practice, time and experimentation. I see nothing about a trip across the country that would help with a cookbook.

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    • avatar AQNR

      I can't eat gluten (not celiac, though) and I have never made a recipe of hers that worked properly.

      Gluten Free on a Shoestring is the best web resource I've found for well-thought-out gluten-free recipes that work properly.

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      • avatar Gluten-Free Cat Lady

        GF on a Shoestring has a recipe for CHURROS and didn't ask us for money to make it. How the fuck does Shauna think she can compete with that?

        When I was first diagnosed with celiac, people told me to read GFG and I found her so off-putting -especially her post about how people on gf diets shouldn't buy premade food in supermarkets, but should instead have lobsters and lavender butter instead. Honestly, I suspect a lot of her early success was being one of the earlier gf web resources, but now there are newer, better, less pretentious bloggers, and improved access to gf food and products for many Americans, so the need for her has evaporated, and she's trying to compete with them by getting more pretentious and speaking as though no one else has done the thing she's trying to do, where many other bloggers have now been there, done that, got the t-shirt without making nearly the noise Shauna has.

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        • avatar falimako

          This. So much.
          I read a blog called The Healthy Chef and if her latest recipe isn't gluten free, she always includes a tweak to make it gluten free (and nut free!) without acting like she is the saviour to the world. In fact, she doesn't even market herself as being a gluten free cook, despite the fact that most of her recipes are.

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  9. avatar melody emergency

    Her first cookbook sucks. It came out right about the time my kid was diagnosed, so I bought it and it was a pretentious piece of garbage. I'm not making Umbrian Lentils with Duck Confit, Sun-Dried Tomatoes, and Cabernet Sauce with it's bazillion ingredients for my 15 year old. I ended up donating the book to Goodwill.

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    • avatar Bread Blow Job

      I think I bought your copy from Goodwill (at $1.69)

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  10. avatar Sister Friend

    "We want to sit in barbecue joints in North Carolina, eat dim sum in San Francisco, make pie with wild Maine blueberries, drizzle honey on warm sopapillas in Santa Fe, and watch pizza being fired in great places in Brooklyn." Hey - I want all those things, too. I want all sorts of things - a hot stone couples massage with Ryan Gosling, to stay at one of those hotels on the water in Bali, to learn to surf in Hawaii, to visit Antarctica. I want to do so many cool things in life.

    But I don't remember the part of my childhood hometraining where my mom said to me, "Sister friend, if you want something in life, go .... ask a bunch of hardworking strangers to fund it for you. Don't work hard and save your money, and achieve your dreams on your own. ASK STRANGERS FOR MONEY. After all, you know better than they do how to live a magnificently awesome life, so their money is just ... wasted... with them. Take it. TAKE MONEY FROM STRANGERS." My mom must have skipped that part, or something.

    I hate these beggars. How do they live with themselves, with that level of self-indulgence? This is not a rhetorical question. I really want to know. It boggles my mind. They aren't crowdsourcing a lifesaving operation, or cancer treatment, or to support an orphanage in a developing nation. They are raising money so that they can go have a fun adventure. I am ashamed of humanity, some days.

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    • avatar TheIslandyIsland

      Friend, I know what you mean. My mom didn't say the same kinds of things to me either. In fact, my seemingly-healthy father died of a brain aneurysm when I was in elementary school. My mom had three kids in elementary school and a H.S. education. There was no internets (sic) then, but she did what most people of that era did: got a job and drastically cut our expenses to live within our means. In fact, we were eilgible for the free lunch at school but she did not take it for two reasons: 1. we got Social Security, for which she was gratful, and she could pack us a healthier lunch than what was offered at school; 2. she didn't want us to be stigmitized.

      Doesn't that sentiment sound quaint in this day and age? These women, Jennie Perillo included, sicken me.

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      • avatar Lisse

        Props to your strong-willed mother on this year's Mother's Day!

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        • avatar TheIslandyIsland

          Thanks Lisse, she also went to school and got a college degree while she worked full time.
          She made some bad decisions (my stepfather) but you can't say she didn't have grit and
          determination. She taught me and my siblings by her own example that when life hands you lemons,
          roll up your sleeves and start making lemonade!

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      • avatar catnip overdose

        your mom ROCKS!

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    • avatar Non-profiteer

      As a NYC resident and Brooklyn frequenter I'd love to see these two asshats make their way to Roberta's. The hipsters will eat them alive with mockery -- assuming they survive the L train.

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  11. avatar Eyelash Sweater

    I haven't been on a vacation in four years. I should email this bitch and ask for a donation.

    I want to roll around in the sheets of the Bellagio, watch the lights of the Stripe dance for me (just for me!), inhale deeply an American Spirit and feel it revitalize my American spirit, and lovingly stroke the screen of a penny slot machine while a Long Island Iced Tea blooms inside of me.

    She can't come, of course, but I'll take pictures for her.

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    • avatar Eyelash Sweater

      Aw, *Strip.

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      • avatar DoubleEntendre

        "...lovingly stroke the screen of a penny slot machine while a Long Island Iced Tea blooms inside of me."

        tumblr_lzkq8x5WUI1qmr448o1_r1_500.gif

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        • avatar Eyelash Sweater

          Can I put you down as a possible donor?

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  12. avatar Miss Noir

    Hey guys! I need a new car! I'm super awesome, have irritable bowel syndrome, super good at board games, pretty good looking, a whiz at words with friends and I really like chocolate. I have a job, but I like spending my money on things like clothes, booze, drugs and concerts tickets. As you can see, this leaves little left for savings. So, hit up my kickstarter!

    YES!

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    • avatar WeeWillyWinkie

      "I'm Marta, and I'm going to be seven on Tuesday, and I'd like a pink parasol."

      eg23as.jpg

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      • avatar DoubleEntendre

        Well, pink's my favorite color, too.

        tumblr_luvon8HLn51qc86xvo1_250.gif

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      • avatar pissandvinegar

        Oh, Marta! You're so damn cute, I would buy you the pink parasol! And one for weewillywinkie, too. To cover that wee willie winkie! And I'll even throw in a ham sandwich for gluten free girl ( but hold the ham- I want that for myself!).

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  13. avatar LucilleOne

    AND they're awaiting an adoption, which could derail this gastrotour. They could use some of the adoption money for this food excursion. Or they could leave their adoption funds untouched. Priorities. Can't have it all, folks.

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    • avatar Ghost of Hello Kitty

      Who are they even adopting from anyway? I thought they got rejected from the last agency because their income either wasn't enough or verifiable or both? Then there was silence about it for awhile. I tend to think the adoption thing is just another way to attract well meaning morons to pay for their lambent lifestyle. They aren't really serious about adoption.

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      • avatar twisted pearls

        I think I remember it was because neither had a death cubicle job and if you were self employed you had to show a year? Two years? ? of tax returns to prove that you had a stable income working for yourself.

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        • avatar Ghost of Hello Kitty

          The funny thing was is that at least Danny did have a steady job when they started the adoption process. Then they suddenly decided he should quit that job because...??? You would have figured if adoption was that important, they would have just waited for him to quit if that was what it seemed the agency wanted. I don't think adopting is as important to them as projecting the image of being an adopter. Shauna is an attention whore in general, so it doesn't seem out of character. They often seem clueless about the whole process in general. Like they honestly thought they would probably have a baby to take with them to Italy last year. They just started the process a few months prior and infants are hot adoption items.

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    • avatar Bread Blow Job

      Are you kidding? This Kickstarter IS the adoption fund. She'll find a way to dishonor her Magical Gluttony Tour contract, saying she didn't read the fine print because she was up all night with a sick toddler.

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      • avatar My Cat Has Puckered Lips

        What is up with all these freeloading Internet freaks wanting to adopt all the time? Give me a break! I am so sick of it! I wouldn't be surprised if that's the real intention of the "ask" rather than driving around eating at good 'ol American restaurants. She probably can afford to fund both but why do that when thousands of naive people are willing to part with their hard earned money? How do these freaks manage to pull the wool over people's eyes all the time? I just don't get it...

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        • avatar Ghost of Hello Kitty

          Adoption seems so noble and selfless. But expensive and we need your help. For 12 easy payments of just $17.95 a month, you can help us live our sudden dream of adopting a child. We'll be doing good and you'll feel good for helping us. Win-win! Remember if it doesn't work out, just realize that these things happen and there are no refunds. However, you'd never ask us for one anyway because you are just that cool and awesome!

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          • avatar Aoife

            This isn't noble or selfless; she wants someone to immediately hand over a white, male infant she can name something ridiculous like Lennon, to complete The Brand and prove to everyone that finally, in her middle age, she's no longer a humourless loser who can't get beyond a first date- she done caught herself a man and a "career." She'd be aiming for a fucktrophy, but that is not a good idea, for obvious reasons, so this is her silver-medal idea. She's been treating this adoption like she'd buying an iPad. It's atrocious, all-around.

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          • avatar Aoife

            My long reply got eaten; this adoption they're attempting is anything but selfless or noble. And she treats it like buying an iPad.

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            • avatar Aoife

              Erhmegerd!! Did anyone see this horrific new post on their supposed adoption process? It's so awful, for so many reasons... partypants, please please please cover this debacle?!

              glutenfreegirl.com/2013/07/a-hungry-heart/

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              • avatar chicketychun

                If they want a baby so badly, they shouldn't have turned down the ones that might've been "broken".

                I can't stand her.

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              • avatar non-profiteer

                OH MY GOD I HATE HER SO MUCH.

                Her treacly, overwrought prose, sense of entitlement, and conviction that the world revolves around her are utterly revolting.

                I just canNOT stand this woman.

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              • avatar Allergic Girl

                I just CAN'T with her. And she has this to say about the baby's medical condition: "And it had to do with the intestines and feeding. That seemed fitting for us."

                WTF. That's like me saying "Oh, I should adopt a blind kid since I have 20/8000 vision! How fitting!"

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              • avatar meaculpa

                All it takes is a quick Google search for any birth mother to cross her ass off the list.

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              • avatar JuliasTooSmallTutu

                I am so fucking over all of these bitches and their adoption drama.

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