GOMI * Get Off My Internets http://getoffmyinternets.net Mon, 03 Aug 2015 16:55:12 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.9.2 The Feminist Breeder Will Store Placenta In Your Office Fridge http://getoffmyinternets.net/the-feminist-breeder-will-store-placenta-in-your-office-fridge/ http://getoffmyinternets.net/the-feminist-breeder-will-store-placenta-in-your-office-fridge/ Mon, 03 Aug 2015 16:55:12 +0000 http://getoffmyinternets.net/?p=640079 on to the tl;dr ]]> The Feminist Breeder, her new job is more awesome than yours, recently started an awesome new job. She even claims she’s been given a huge raise after less than 3 months at this awesome new job. Which obviously means it’s ok for her to do things like this.

IMG_1612

Um…is this a thing that’s done? Serious question. My boss flips if someone leaves food in the fridge over the weekend. I can’t imagine him chuckling “all day long” if someone put a human organ on the top shelf of the company fridge.

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‘Ramshackle Glam’ – A Liveblogged Book Review http://getoffmyinternets.net/ramshackle-glam-a-liveblogged-book-review/ http://getoffmyinternets.net/ramshackle-glam-a-liveblogged-book-review/ Fri, 31 Jul 2015 17:32:07 +0000 http://getoffmyinternets.net/?p=640075 on to the tl;dr ]]> Well it’s finally Friday and I don’t know about you but it’s been a long, sweat and work filled week over here at Casa Fiestabritches. I actually planned on doing a different book this week; but to be honest, by the time I got home at noon I was just over all the braining I did the past 5 days. I mean my attention span is at nothing right now, hams. So I decided to do a lightweight old classic instead. So get out your eyeliner and coochie cutter denim shorts, because it’s time to read ‘Ramshackle Glam – The New Mom’s Haphazard Guide To (Almost) Having It All’ by Jordan Reid.

Overview: Yet another self-indulgent, upper middle class woman thinks she’s the first person to talk about having a baby.

This cover is trying way too hard.

This cover is trying way too hard.

Chapter 1 is ‘Welcome To Your New World‘. Jordan starts off by saying she doesn’t remember much about the moments following childbirth other than the fact that she put on mascara so she would look good for the pictures that would be all over the internets. The next thing she remembers is her son sleeping while she drank apple juice. Then she passed out again, then woke up and “charged towards” the nursery apparently screaming “GIVE ME MY BABY”. She then breaks down the first two weeks of being a mom, which apparently means lots of crying for no reason.

But then she cried because she realized babies need things, and she did not have these things, and so had to go to a Babies’R'Us where she cried some more because she was overwhelmed by all the things babies need. Which…really, you’d think with all the available online information about preparing for bringing home a baby she would have done all this shopping like, months ago, but this is Jordan so drama must be generated. She then provides a list of things new moms might need, which again is information already all over the google machine, but ok.

Chapter 2 is ‘Fashion‘ and features a drawing of her ‘sexy hipster’ twitter avatar.

Sure. Why not.

Sure. Why not.

If you know nothing about Jordan you should know she loves to posture as a victim of harassment due to her clothing choices. She starts off this chapter with a story about how her fashion forward decision to wear glitter eyeshadow and men’s pajamas around Hell’s Kitchen in February as a pre-teen resulted in her being picked up by the cops, who were convinced she was a runaway prostitute or something. The point of this story is that “fashion” is “hugely subjective”, as if a tween wandering around a crappy area of New York City in pajamas with no coat in winter should be greeted by police with a nod and a #sobrave hashtag.

Then she dives into her Pat Benatar-esque ‘Legend of Billie Jean’ strong-woman-who-won’t-take-your-crap rants. People on teh intarwebs comment on her tripping around on her roof in six inch platform stilettos and daisy dukes, and this means Jordan has to Stand Up For Feminism, because she can wear what she wants. Her rant over she proceeds to offer up a list of post-partum outfits that includes loose boho dresses, wrap dresses, scarves, and sunglasses. If you’re boobfeeding she suggests stretchy tops and nursing tanks. She tells us it’s ok to leave your house without pants because “mommy brain”, before giving us advice about stretchy jeans with fabulous shoes, sunglasses, and red lipstick.

Then we have Date Night fashion, and Jojo tells us she used to wear heels like she was Ru Paul, but once that kid finally shot out she was “DONE”. So she finally embraced the occasional flat in leopard print. Then there are several pages about her time at a private school in NYC where she totally bucked trends or something. The point of this apparently is that Jordan sometimes sees trends she’d like to try but she doesn’t because she wears what she wants. Because she is a trendsetter, not a trend follower, I guess. I skip the last page of ‘go on with your bad self’ girl power fashion #supportfemalvoices crap because honestly she is getting tedious at this point with her weird defensiveness about her attire.

Chapter 3 is ‘Beauty‘ and I’ll be right back after this fire escape break. (Told you, my attention span is just zilch today. The good news is, this is the first drink so I will actually finish the book this week.)

I actually call them 'Lazy Girl Margaritas'. No Squirt required.

I actually call them ‘Lazy Girl Margaritas’. No Squirt required.

Ooookay back. Sorry had a computer freezing incident. So this chapter starts off with a couple of pages detailing all the ways Jojo overthinks her looks, and beauty in general – her face, her body, her home. She does another round of When I Was An Actress (did you know she was an actress? In Los Angeles? She was an actress) and how Being An Actress made her think “much too much” about her looks but all the things she worried about were wrong. Just wrong. As wrong as continuing to talk for almost a decade about an ex-boyfriend who stiffed you out of a role on a show that went on to be a hit. Because you were “too pretty”.

I know you think this has nothing to do with this chapter but basically half of this chapter is Jodie gassing on about her time in L.A. and how beauty standards worked against the full breasted thin blonde blue eyed self that she was. And how her lack of success as an actress had nothing to do with her wooden presentation in everything I’ve ever seen her in, no no – it was because she was “an unhappy girl with an angry boyfriend”. Then suddenly she flips into a story about her first audition for a commercial…which segues into some tale about how she no longer cares about shaving her legs? And THEN starts talking about how her hair got crappy after giving birth which is pretty much a universal thing and not nearly the Thing No One Tells You that she makes it out to be. (Aside: Same thing happens when you change/go off birth control pills. Srsly. Hair where u go?)

Finally she gets to her beauty tips which include don’t sleep in makeup, drink water, sleep a lot (wait isn’t this a book for new moms? I just say), apply face cream and eye cream every night “no excuses”, wash your hair, keep your nails in order. She includes a tutorial on false eyelashes for some reason, because obviously this is something that new moms are thinking about as they deal with leaking boobs and spit up and a meatloaf who refuses to stop being the screeching tool of your mental destruction for 4 solid months of gas and teething. Are we at the part where she talks about having a nanny because seriously who else can worry about this stuff if being a new mom is as hard as she says?

(brb reading Chapter 4)

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That Wife Is Now A Nudist http://getoffmyinternets.net/that-wife-is-now-a-nudist/ http://getoffmyinternets.net/that-wife-is-now-a-nudist/ Tue, 28 Jul 2015 13:56:36 +0000 http://getoffmyinternets.net/?p=640070 on to the tl;dr ]]> twnudist

Jenna Cole, 1/16 Jewish, is now 15/16th nudist. This weekend the uber feminist code warrior WAHM went out to a beach and ripped off her clothes and sobbed into the sand.

I felt my skin warming and the waves spraying and the wind kissing in a way I had never felt before, and it wasn’t long before I turned my back up to the sun so I could bury my face in my towel and cry…And then my new nudist friend Robert (who is somewhere around sixty years old and has an incredible ability to have a twenty minute conversation with a naked woman and not let his eyes wander once) photographed me using my iPhone…

Jenna ended her weekend of nudity by slamming drinks and writing code.

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‘ABM Photo Idea Book’ – A Liveblogged Book Review http://getoffmyinternets.net/abm-photo-idea-book-a-liveblogged-book-review/ http://getoffmyinternets.net/abm-photo-idea-book-a-liveblogged-book-review/ Fri, 24 Jul 2015 17:01:48 +0000 http://getoffmyinternets.net/?p=640057 on to the tl;dr ]]> Hello again, pork people! It’s time for Friday Book Club, and have I got a snoozer for you. This week we are going to learn how to be photographers! Or at least the kind of photographer A Beautiful Mess thinks we should be. Get out your VSCO Cam and prepare to be amazed at the incredible knowledge contained within ‘A Beautiful Mess: Photo Idea Book’.

First impressions: The world really needs a book about how to twee up pictures.

TWEE WITH ME

TWEE WITH ME

Chapter 1 is ‘Capture Your Favorite People‘ and it’s all about taking pictures of people and pets. They start off telling you to “Photograph Faces”, and the key here is to point the camera at the subject’s face and then take the picture. Groundbreaking.

Now that the hard stuff is out of the way, they suggest taking “Storytelling Portraits” in which your subject holds various props, such as a sequence of signs with words on them, for a photo series. You should also try to “Capture Genuine Emotion”, and this page features a photo of Elsie doing her best Fiona Apple.

FEELIN LIKE A CRIIIMINALLL

FEELIN LIKE A CRIIIMINALLL

You can “Get Adorable Couple Photos” by “playing with different color combinations” like making your subjects wear coordinating colors, and make sure to take pics of them in various poses like looking at the camera and then at each other. If you want to “Take Cute Photos With Your Friends” you should try using a tripod with a self-timer and again do a range of poses – the fake laugh seems to be a popular pose. To “Get A Great Family Photo” try taking pictures of families doing family things like being together as a family. If you don’t have a human family you can take pictures of your pets by dangling treats, or just letting them be themselves and taking 900 pics until you get a decent one because we all have that kind of time. And don’t forget to capture “Unique Personal Details” such as their Starbucks cup or a be-ringed manicured hand pretending to doodle in a journal!

Chapter 2 is ‘Add Backdrops and Props‘ and now it starts to get awesome. First of all you should find “Great Backgrounds For Outdoor Portraits”, like brick walls, or even other kinds of walls like wood walls or maybe cement walls. Can’t find an awesome wall, or just can’t go outside? Baby you’ve got options. Did you know you can take pictures indoors? Well you can. You can just tape up some cool paper or something and take your pictures in front of that. You can even use a chalkboard background, or fabric.

And don’t forget to use props. How will people know you own a vintage suitcase or an instax if you don’t hold it as you pose in front of the brick wall of that bowling alley? Yeah, you’re learning things now, things that will make you ‘gram famous.

Chapter 3 is ‘Use Beautiful Lighting‘, because right now you’re probably using ugly lighting and someone needs to stop you. Emma and Elsie want you to get out of direct sunlight and figure out how to angle yourself in front of “Flattering Window Light” because the world is tired of seeing those bags under your eyes, girl. If you want to do something different and new with lighting, just take a picture of your shadow or silhouette.

 

Apparition chic is so in.

Apparition chic is so in.

You could “Make and Use Reflectors” if you’re dead serious about being a part-time model.  If all else fails, just stand in front of the light source and embrace the lens flare like it’s 1998 and you just discovered Photoshop.

Chapter 4 wants us to ‘Get Creative‘. By creative they mean take profile pictures, or snap some photos of moving objects. MOVING OBJECTS! Did you ever? Go crazy creative and photograph people in windy conditions, or jumping in the air, because nobody does that. When you’ve mastered those unique ideas you can try taking “Artistically Blurry Photos” because nothing says ‘seriously artistic 15 year old with an iPhone app’ like some bokeh-ed out lights.

You can “Create Atmosphere” with color and by color they apparently mean clear glass bottles in front of a beige brick wall because that creates a “soft and airy atmosphere”.  This is great because just this morning I was thinking “You know what instagram needs? More monochromatic light colored photographs” – and here are Elsie and Emma helping me make that dream come true! You can make “Homemade Filters” with clear tape over your camera lens, I guess for folks who can’t figure out how to use one of the 950000 phone apps that apply isolated blur.

Chapter 5 is ‘Get Inspired‘. Evidently this chapter wants us to be inspired to take photographs of our home and collections of ‘things’. If your home is meh and you have no piles of things laying around you can “Capture Your Daily Routines”, because there aren’t enough pictures of lattes online. And don’t forget those inspiring seasonal footwear photos.

It's like a calendar of feet.

It’s like a calendar of feet.

The chapter continues with inspiration to photograph your daily outfits, the places you go, your hobbies, your music collection, your food, and your “current obsession”.

I don’t know about you but I’m so full of inspiration at this point in the book that I might need to take a goat break.

Fire Escape Of Death: The Goatening

Fire Escape Of Death: The Goatening

BRB to herd the rest of the yawn cows around this snore ranch of a book.

Chapter 6 is ‘Capture Yourself‘ as if the world needed to be told to take selfies. It kicks off by telling us to take pics of ourselves in mirrors and offers helpful suggestions like “hold your camera at different angles” and “try looking in different directions”. If you want to skip the mirror you can just hold the camera at arm’s length and point it at yourself. If you’re ready to really commit to sharing your face with the world, get a tripod and a self timer. The chapter closes with the “Thirty-Day Self-Portrait Challenge”.

The final chapter page includes 30 pictures of Elsie showing various things you can do for your selfie challenge which is both informative and horrifying, sort of like googling Ed Gein while you eat pizza.

Chapter 7 is ‘Challenge Yourself‘, and here the Queen E’s Of Twee encourage you to do wing-spreading things like create picture panels or “Take A Photo From Above”. Not challenging enough? Try taking a photo UPSIDE DOWN. I know, this is a tough one – take a deep breath, you can do this, chief. Challenge yourself to wear a costume or have your subject wear a costume, and photograph that costume. Challenge yourself to take black and white photos! Or maybe take photos in public places, which are places that are not your home. If you’re just plumb out of ideas challenge yourself to use colorful walls.

The ultimate challenge!

The ultimate challenge!

Anywalls, so now you’ve read a whole book and you’re taking inspiring, creative photos of your face and lattes. But did it happen if nobody sees them? That’s where the final chapter,  ‘Show Off Your Photos‘ comes in. Take those photos and use them on everything. Invite someone on a walk and use up those foot photos! Invite them anywhere, for anything, you have photos to share!

The Adventures of Dick And Lame

The Adventures of Dick And Lame

Glue them on a lampshade! Glue them on magnets! You know what says professional? Business cards with sepia toned photos of YOU with your hair blowing creatively in the creative wind.

Decorate your party with pictures of yourself! Varnish photos of yourself onto a chair! Glue photos of yourself to coasters so your guests can’t stop seeing your face even if they concentrate on their drink. Create homemade soaps that contain photos of you because even in the toilet there is no respite from your image. Make yourself into a cupcake topper so they can’t escape your visage even if they try to eat their rising feelings of terror.

No matter where you turn, Elsie is there.

Welcome To The Elsie Selfie-bration

And don’t hesitate to stick photos of yourself inside glass Christmas ornaments, because even the holy days need to focus on you. This chapter, and the book, ends with a page detailing their DSLR camera specs and informs us they use Photoshop CS.

Overview: I have no idea why this book needs to be in the world. It’s like nobody cares about trees anymore. This is all information available everywhere already, and some of it is so basic it makes Bisquik look complicated. I hate that I spent money on this and I hate everyone who didn’t stop me from spending money on this.

Baconcat says "So boring I passed out, see ya next week!"

Baconcat says “So boring I passed out, see ya next week!”

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Love Taza Is Not An Expert On Bicycle Laws http://getoffmyinternets.net/love-taza-is-not-an-expert-on-bicycle-laws/ http://getoffmyinternets.net/love-taza-is-not-an-expert-on-bicycle-laws/ Thu, 23 Jul 2015 13:06:10 +0000 http://getoffmyinternets.net/?p=640055 on to the tl;dr ]]> Love Taza, mama to littles, just loves doing everything as a family. This week the Love Taza show went out for a bike ride, as a family.

tazabike

The ride included strapping their 7 month old into a bike seat and slapping on a helmet that is clearly the correct size in order to wheel around an island metropolis with some of the most insane traffic in North America.

But apparently Taza isn’t familiar with the bicycle laws in this little city of hers. The New York State Department of Transportation says:

Children under 1 are prohibited from being transported on a bicycle (Sec. 1238(1)(2)).

Of course silly things like laws can’t be acknowledged when there’s content to generate. When a few fangirls asked wtf she was thinking, Taza claimed (in a now apparently deleted comment) that her son’s pediatrician said it was totally okay. She then waved away further criticism on the matter by providing a disclaimer on her post.

…i know the age varies a lot online about when little ones can or should begin to bike with you, so it’s always just best to consult with your pediatricians as they know your child best and if he or she is strong enough, able enough to ride along with you. i’m not an expert on anything around this topic…

I know mommies are exempt from any judging ever but…don’t you think a mom who loves being a mom to her littles in this little city of theirs would know and follow the laws about this sort of thing? And obviously bloggers are special snowflakes and above the rules that apply to those of us who must drudge through this mortal coil without internet headpats; but at some point – maybe when you’re pushing 30 and are a mother of 3 – it stops being cute to giggle and do a kewpie doll pose and do some “golly garsh I just didn’t know! just sharing my life! here’s an affiliate link to our clothes!”

Seriously, I’d like to know when “his pediatrician says it’s ok” started superseding state traffic laws. Maybe I should become a popular lifestyle blogger! Then the next time I don’t feel like curbing my dog I can just smile and say his vet says it’s ok to let him crap on your foot.

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