GOMI * Get Off My Internets http://getoffmyinternets.net Tue, 07 Jul 2015 18:07:41 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.9.2 Gala Darling Announces Separation http://getoffmyinternets.net/gala-darling-announces-separation/ http://getoffmyinternets.net/gala-darling-announces-separation/ Tue, 07 Jul 2015 17:54:46 +0000 http://getoffmyinternets.net/?p=640023 on to the tl;dr ]]> galadivorce

Gala Darling, author of (what she calls) the “best-selling book” ‘Radical Self Love‘, has announced the end of her four year marriage.

After 4 years of marriage, my husband and I have decided to go our separate ways. While Mike (and Dolly) have moved out, we are still extremely close friends and will continue to work together on my site, as we have been doing the whole time we’ve been together. We’re both excited to move onwards and upwards, and I’m so thankful that we have been able to end things amicably and with a lot of love.

Speculation about the status of her union began over a week ago.

It seems another one of her projects may also be coming to and end: the ‘Blogcademy‘. A few days ago she announced the last two classes in San Francisco and New York City, adding “these will probably be our last American classes ever”. She said there might be one last class in “London, probably… But that might be it!”

Gala has been busy recently jetting around the world on what, in hindsight, appears to be some sort of ‘Sex And The City post-breakup getaway to Mexico’ trip. No word on what new projects she has in the works. We assume she is currently creating vision boards and practicing gratitude.

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‘Carrots ‘N’ Cake’ – A Liveblogged Book Review http://getoffmyinternets.net/carrots-n-cake-a-liveblogged-book-review/ http://getoffmyinternets.net/carrots-n-cake-a-liveblogged-book-review/ Fri, 03 Jul 2015 17:09:25 +0000 http://getoffmyinternets.net/?p=640016 on to the tl;dr ]]> Happy Friday, hamcats! Are you American hams ready to celebrate this nation by shotgunning PBR and acquiring sparkler related injuries? Too bad. Because this week we are going on a journey of healthy food, exercise, and alcohol restraint with Tina Haupert‘s ‘Carrots ‘N’ Cake: Healthy Living One Carrot and Cupcake at a Time’. So restrict yourself to one beer, hide the cookies, and then dust off those treadmills as we learn how a healthy living blogger keeps herself in blogging shape.

The most literal book cover ever.

The most literal book cover ever.

First impressions: *pops tab on first beer* Bring it, Tuna.

The Introduction details how Tuna Helper started her blog. Basically she wanted to look bonkers hot for her wedding (which was 19 months away) and, inspired by KERF, began her own blog. She goes on for a while about how she came up with the name for her blog, and how she knew she “had something different to offer” the blog world. She also had a ton of free time after she wrapped up wedding planning because her fiance was into fantasy football or something and she needed to “fill the extra hours”.

Chapter 1 is ‘Cookie Friday‘ and she starts off by saying it’s her favorite day because the weekend is starting. But mainly she likes Friday because she allows herself a “splurge”. It could “be any treat” that’s around 500 calories. She blathers on about how she eats a huge salad for lunch to fill herself up without a lot of calories, and then starts talking about how much she loves cookies. Because baking cookies or brownies or whatever and then letting her eat as much as she wanted was how her mom bonded with her. But this made her Type-A self turn to food as a way to deal with stress, and you guys omg it took her YEARS to stop that and now that she’s super healthy she can wait to celebrate on Friday with her one treat.

Chapter 2 is ‘Date Night‘. Tina loves Date Night. She loves it so much she begins talking about it with her husband “from the time we wake up that morning”.

And we ask the question, “Are you excited for Date Night?: over and over again, all day long.

They have a long history of date nights, you see. It started when they were dating, and would go on dates. They started going on dates in high school, and became boyfriend and girlfriend, and continued going on dates. Then they both went off to college but they stayed in touch. Then at some point they went on a date again and “sparks flew”, so a few weeks later they went on more dates. They discovered they are perfect for each other because she likes the cupcake frosting and he likes the actual cake part.

They moved in together and she began cooking for him, because her mother insisted on sit down meals growing up? Not really sure what that little aside has to do with making oatmeal for your man, but ok. Anytunas, she tells us she will “eat anything” which every man loves to hear, and she’s “definitely the more adventurous eater” in the relationship. But Date Night this week is at an Italian restaurant and Tina has planned for this “indulgence” by keeping her calories low all day and getting in a lot of cardio before dinner.

They have been “looking forward to Date Night all day long”, and now it’s time to get ready for Date Night. Tina makes “an effort to look nice on our Date Nights”, wearing something “formfitting” because tight clothes help her eat in moderation on Date Night. She doesn’t let herself “get carried away” even on Date Night. She eats more calories than usual but it’s ok because she did it “the right way” by “saving up calories” for the meal. She closes the chapter by providing you with suggestions of what to eat during the day so you can cram your face (but not too much) during your big Date Night dinner out.

Chapter 3 is called ‘Strength Training Is Not Extra Credit‘. Tina begins by informing us that just because it’s Sunday doesn’t mean she’s not working out. Because “Sunday is not a day of rest!” So it’s off for strength training because she likes to wake up sore on Monday morning. Personally I’d rather wake up sore the morning after Date Night, but maybe that’s just me. She goes into how she did a 12 week “Bridal Boot Camp” leading up to her wedding but it took six weeks to see results. She likes to listen to “classic rock” when she’s “lifting” and she does this three times a week.

Chapter 4 is ‘Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind‘ and it’s about how she and her husband have separate food pantries. She puts her food in clear containers so she doesn’t forget she has wheat berries, and totally unlike most married couples in a thing that she acts like is unique to them, they go grocery shopping once a week to make sure they have food in the house. She advises keeping your healthy foods in clear containers on a shelf you can easily reach and hiding unhealthy foods so you forget they exist. The chapter ends with a recipe for…mixing granola into yogurt.

Now we have ‘Becoming Accountable‘, which is Chapter 5. Tina tells  us she used to get on her scale all the time, but then one day they moved to a new place and it didn’t fit in the bathroom. So she tossed it. Of course it wasn’t that simple: she had agonized over the scale numbers if she put on a couple of pounds, wondering “What would my readers think?” because for a blogger that’s really all that matters. I mean, she “was the gal who found my ‘happy weight’ through healthy moderation” but there she was, worrying about her weight. So she didn’t tell her readers about #thestruggle until she realized she is a beacon of inspiration and keeping it real, and owed it to her readers to be honest. They would love her for it! They would be supportive! She WOULD be “authentic and honest”! Anyweights, at this point she just threw out her scale, which I guess is the point of that story.

Then she starts yammering about how she barely ate in college, and then after college she chunked up with an office job, pizza, and too many happy hours. So she resigned from that job and took a job with less pressure and less money so she could have time to go work out at the gym. She stopped eating her body weight in pizza and pilsner and started eating salads. If you can figure out the point in all this please tell me, because I have no idea why she’s sharing a journey that pretty much every post-college person goes through as if she discovered some lost Sumerian text that explains the true name of God. She ends the chapter with a recipe for blueberry bran muffins.

Chapter 6 is ‘Maintaining My Weight: What Works‘. Apparently after mildly porking out on Date Night food and wine and hitting the gym on Sunday she’s back in action on Monday “looking to get myself back on track”. She has no problem indulging but she has to “make sure I indulge within reason” which is sort of not what indulge means.

Anymoderation, she looks back on the weekend and realizes she had a lot of carbs. Not that that bothers her. But she had too many bad carbs. Then suddenly she is talking about attending a food blogger festival “eating and drinking my little heart out” but still made sure to exercise away “all of the splurges” because she didn’t want to spend her fun trip “stressing out about calories”. Out of nowhere she’s talking about how “before I lost more than twenty pounds” she tried the Atkins diet for a whole month but it made her cranky. So she binged on carbs, which made her realize she likes eating carbs. But now her carbs are “low-calorie salad” which is totally the same as nachos I guess. She created what she calls a “three-quarters rule” for salads meaning 3/4 is leafy greens and the rest is “fun ingredients” and gets her dressing on the side, and she makes different salads every day. Now she never feels “like I’m depriving myself”. Then she ends with recipes for…salads.

Paying Attention‘ is the name of Chapter 7, and Tuna begins with the most excrutiatingly boring story of Christmas shopping with her sister that can be imagined. We’re talking a minute by minute breakdown of shopping for decorations and then going to Kohl’s. Then they are like omg STARVATION CITY so they go get a pizza. They each shove a slice into their salad holes but then Tuna is like…wait, I didn’t even taste that! So she gets to the point of all of this, which is eat your food slowly. Then she subwhines about how you “have to go out of your way to get a small size” when you dine out because America wants you to get a large everything. Well Tina’s not falling for that. She gets the small or child portions and that’s more than enough to fill her up, you supersizing pigs. She suggests you drink water with your meal, pause before your first bite and then put your fork down every few bites, I guess to drink some water. But make sure you “enjoy the splurge”! Because nothing says splurge like picking at your food and guzzling water. Then there’s a recipe for turkey burgers in case you can’t figure out how to make a burger out of ground turkey meat and tomatoes.

Chapter 8 is ‘Cravings And The Dreaded Binge‘. The entire first three pages of this chapter is an over-detailed account of how she baked pumpkin muffins one morning, complete with a Tolkien-worthy paragraph long description of the streaming sunlight and steam from the muffins. She then mentions “munching on my first muffin” which makes my inner 12 year old boy snortlol, before talking about how she prepares a second muffin for “its photo shoot”. This takes another entire paragraph as she describes the white plate she selects for its presentation, and how she positions it in natural sunlight. She eats four muffins in all and then comes “to my senses” and darts out of the kitchen to escape further temptation. She then returns and packs the remaining muffins in a container and hides them from herself.

Then she suddenly starts talking about how athletic she’s always been and how that allowed her to not pay attention to calories for a long time. She then tells us “a lot of my success came with not being so hard on myself” when it comes to food.

wut

Then she talks about “sharing the struggle” with her readers. It’s a bunch of self-indulgent blogger woo about how she shows them she’s “a real person who is relatable” and she doesn’t “resent the blog or consider stopping” just because she might over indulge and gain a few pounds. She thinks her readers appreciate it because “it helps them too”.

She now shares her tips to avoid overeating, which are eat enough during the day, keep “trigger” foods out of the house, stay hydrated because you’re not hungry you’re just thirsty, and “just don’t start”. Meaning, don’t even pick up that brownie because you’ll eat 12. Of course if you do binge, you can be like Tina and head to the gym and “run for 45 minutes on the treadmill” and “think about the muffins and the caloric ‘damage’” you’ve done. You’ll feel awesome for doing “something good” for your body “after doing something ‘bad’” to it “by eating too many muffins”. Everything so far sounds totally healthy and not disordered at all! Sign me up! She ends the chapter with the recipe for those Satanic pumpkin muffins.

And now before Chapter 9, which is ‘Happy Hour‘, it’s time for an intermission during which I will show Tina ‘No More Than Three Glasses Of Wine’ Haupert how to properly enjoy one glass of wine.

See? I only need ONE glass of wine.

See? I only need ONE glass of wine.

So with this chapter, Tina begins by telling us she is “not one to pass up a cocktail” but she does not “condone binge drinking”. She’s been drunk “plenty of times” but she never lost control of herself or blacked out, so someone give her a medal I guess. She’s always been “really responsible” when she drinks and capable of good decisions. Then she starts talking about how when she’s drunk she makes bad decisions and eats crap and one time was so drunk she dropped her new camera into a glass of beer, which is the epitome of being in control.

Then the holier than thou lecture about how she never has more than three drinks begins. It seems to be partly a control freak thing until she gets to the point: empty calories. If she has more than three drinks or a shot she can’t say no to pizza and she doesn’t want to “waste my calories” by drinking. She sounds like the first person to take to a bar night, you bet. She will alternate water with her wine (who doesn’t do that at a bar? how is this brand new information?) to “save my calories”.

Then she starts talking about how she spent Friday and Saturday nights in college drinking because Greek life, but one time she had three whole packages of Easy Mac after a party and remembering this makes her want to like omg totes hurl. You guys don’t get it, she could drink like 8 drinks sometimes like after finals or whatever. Grody to the max, right? The point of all of this is that you, too, should stay three or fewer drinks under or you will wind up eating chicken fingers and grilled cheese sandwiches -  in your pajamas while watching ‘Spies Like Us’ for example like this chick I know does every Friday night after Book Club. She closes the chapter with lower calorie drink ideas like a Pimm’s Cup.

Nothing about it sounds happy to me.

Nothing about it sounds happy to me.

Chapter 10 is ‘Girl Stuff‘ and kicks off with paragraph after paragraph of Tina going to a social gathering at a friend’s house and how she manages to eat and drink as little as possible. Her friend has the full Sex And The City cocktail spread – cosmos, lemon drops, and flirtinis. Tuna Helper helps herself to a flirtini and then carries it around, presumably not drinking it at first, while she obsesses over what food she will or won’t eat. Then she takes 3 sips of her drink and gets a nice buzz, but she’s ok – see, she has been exercising hard in anticipation of tonight’s “splurge” (of…one drink, I guess). Then she shares her party rule: if it’s not healthy she doesn’t try it. So she winds up spending the party with the one drink and a small plate of healthy options like she’s a supermodel on vacation going calorie cray cray.

Whiplash story time again, she’s now talking about how she has never had much self-confidence and never felt like she fit in because she always had big boobs on a skinny body – which, as you know, is the antithesis of what is revered in American beauty culture, but it made her uncomfortable with her body so I won’t snark on her feelings about it. Finally she got boob reduction surgery and I say good for her! I am personally a supporter of plastic surgery and cosmetic alteration when there’s a self-esteem or physical comfort issue at play, and I think it’s cool that she talks about this part of her life…even though I don’t get what it has to do with going to a party and not eating a lot. She closes the chapter with a recipe for edamame guacamole.

The Cookie Swap‘ is Chapter 11, and starts off explaining that a cookie swap is when a bunch of people get together and bring different kinds of cookies for everyone to eat. It also has Tina saying she spent the night before at the gym “to get a head start on the cookie calories”. Then it’s more of Tina at a social gathering trying to “keep my cool with the food”. Unfortunately she sampled too much and she could “swear my pants felt tighter and my thighs grew”. And to add to the horror this was happening right in front of other bloggers. Can you EVEN? She was one of the first people to leave because she “didn’t want to be tempted any longer”, and she was “depressed on the ride home”. Because she ate cookies. She had to give herself a pep talk when she got home. Because she ate cookies. After that she vowed to document “every single morsel” she ate on her blog so she would be accountable and never ever eat ten whole cookies in one day again.

Because Tina knows that no matter how much she works out the calories she burns through exercise “will never equal the cookie calories” she takes in. Then she says she loves exercise and fitness, but she’s “not obsessive about it”. Then she explains that she learned she indulges in sweets when they’re around. So the solution, apparently, is to not be around free piles of sweets. If she is forced to be around Lucifer’s Cellulite Creators she practices finding a distraction and reminding herself over and over of the “consequences”. The chapter ends with a recipe for oatmeal raisin cookies.

 Chapter 12 is ‘Sundays With Mal‘ and Tina starts off by saying she has “very little free time” because between work and being married she is “on the go from dawn till dusk”. So she spends Sunday morning (before or after the strength training?) eating pancakes with her husband, and then does her meal planning for the week on Sunday afternoons. Well that was a thrilling chapter. She ends with a recipe for homemade iced coffee.

Chapter 13 is ‘The Most Important Meal Of The Day‘. It’s apparently about breakfast, and how you should eat breakfast so you’re not sitting around hungry while you go to the gym and then write blog posts. Then she talks about how she photographs her breakfast for her blog – she uses colorful placemats and “an appealing background” to create “a nice scene for my banana oatmeal pancake and iced coffee”. The chapter ends with a recipe for oatmeal pancakes.

Chapter 14 is ‘Murphy, Mal, And Me‘ and it’s a bunch of slobbering about her pug dog. Apparently her longing for a pug dog was a pain for her husband because they would have to move to a place that allowed pets. But eventually she convinced her husband she needed a pug, and she “researched pug breeders” on the internet before driving out to some town in Massachusetts and buying Murphy. Then they had to find a new place to live so they could bring Murphy home. Which is obviously the order in which to do things when buying a dog from some breeder in another town, because why sort out your living arrangements and look into adoption? Pug or bust, betches. Anyselfish, they “frantically” searched Craigslist and finally found a place and wound up in a butthole of a place, but hey, pug. Then they moved again to less of a butthole place. But apparently her pug saved her sanity because Boston winters can suck cans, though she finally got a daylight lamp to help with her winter blues. The chapter closes with a recipe for vanilla mini cupcakes, which I assume Tuna Helper licked the frosting from before handing the soggy cake portion to her husband.

Chapter 15 is ‘Getting Off The Couch‘ and it’s basically Tina saying she has “always been an active person” but it wasn’t until she spoke with Oprah Winfrey’s friend/fitness person that she realized exercise is as simple as getting off the couch to…do stuff. I wish I were kidding but this is pretty much all the chapter is about, stop sitting and do stuff.

Chapter 16 is ‘…And The Rest Will Follow‘. Tina yodels about joining her first gym at 16 (in case you forgot she has “always been an active person”) and tells us when it comes to gyms, “luxury helps”. See, Tuna goes to “an upscale all-women’s gym” and it has a full-service spa, is “gorgeous”, and “even the bath products in the locker room are nice”. Evidently being surrounded by such fitness luxury inspired her to “pursue a career change to become a personal trainer”, though she decided in the end that it wasn’t for her. Instead she got a job in the Harvard School of Public Health, and finally had time to post three times a day and “comment on other people’s blogs, which helped market mine” because “readers would click through” to her blog. Livin’ the dream, people!

But eventually she had to have a bunch of talks with her cake loving man about her goals. She would “always end…in tears” because she “didn’t have enough time for the blog”. But she “couldn’t give up on my dream”. But then her blog started to take off. She then quit her job at Harvard and got a job with some company called NuVal, and then celebrated with pumpkin muffins. On a Friday, I assume. This long pointless How I Became A Blogger narrative ends with a recipe for pumpkin carob muffins.

Chapter 17 is ‘Travel Eats‘ and its pretty much just Tina saying pack your own food for trips.

The final Chapter 18 is ‘Happily Ever After?‘ and it’s more of Tina ruminating on her blog and how awesomely successful she is, and how she loves what she does, in that way only married women with a fallback husband income can really do. The book ends with Tina wondering if she can really be happy only doing her blog. Boy do I feel inspired.

Overview: This is the most Jekyll/Hyde book ever. She says she doesn’t deny herself but then details the ways she denies herself. She says she’s not “obsessed” with working out, but makes sure to constantly mention how she exercises every chance she gets and reminding us how active she is. This book is apparently 4 years old so maybe this woman is different now, but at the time of this book she sounds like she had a long way to go before preaching about moderation.

partypants and Loliver say "Have a great and safe holiday weekend, see ya next week!"

partypants and Loliver say “Have a great and safe holiday weekend,
see ya next week!”

 

 

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The ‘Beautiful Mess’ House Is For Sale http://getoffmyinternets.net/the-beautiful-mess-house-is-for-sale/ http://getoffmyinternets.net/the-beautiful-mess-house-is-for-sale/ Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:26:45 +0000 http://getoffmyinternets.net/?p=640014 on to the tl;dr ]]> abmhouse

Are you a manic pixie dream girl looking for a perfectly twee home where you can binge watch ‘The New Girl’ in perfect curation? Perhaps you’re just a regular person who really liked every decor trend of 2011 and wish you could find a house that already looks like a 4 year old YHL pinterest board?

Well look no further. For just $189,000 you can own the “ABM studio house“, up for sale by the gals at A Beautiful Mess. If you want to see 24 staged photos, ya know, in case you haven’t seen the 590384293842392 staged photos from their blog, you can check out the sale listing here.

I didn’t see any evidence of coffee filters tacked to anything, but I guess you could add those yourself when you move in!

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‘Young House Love’ – A Liveblogged Book Review http://getoffmyinternets.net/young-house-love-a-liveblogged-book-review/ http://getoffmyinternets.net/young-house-love-a-liveblogged-book-review/ Fri, 26 Jun 2015 16:41:47 +0000 http://getoffmyinternets.net/?p=640000 on to the tl;dr ]]> Hey there ham dawgs! It’s Friday, and that means it’s time to get our bookdizzle on! This week we’ll be bling blingin’ to Young House Love. So put on your old blazer, throw your hair in a ponytail, and photoshop away your baby bump, because it’s time to read ‘Young House Love: 243 Ways to Paint, Craft, Update & Show Your Home Some Love’ By Sherry & John Petersik.

First impression: is the cover supposed to be some take on ‘Eat Pray Love’? Why are they doing a forced quirkey pose?

We're so adorbzizzle!

We’re so adorbzizzle!

First we have the Preface. The Dawgs say when they wanted to renovate their first home they just couldn’t find any resources that gave ideas on how to do things on a budget. See, they “wanted affordable ideas” but “couldn’t settle for things that looked shoddy and amateur”. Then they have an Introduction which seems to mostly be them warning us that they “can be annoyingly enthusiastic” and that most of “these ideas aren’t ours to own” – their goal was to “smash a range of tips and ideas” into a reference book. Then there are a bunch of before and afters of their first house.

Chapter 1 is ‘Chill‘ which is the living room section. Right off the bat they remind us they “lived in Manhattan” because anyone who has ever lived in New York City will seriously never let anyone forget that they lived in New York City. This town is like the geographical equivalent of friggin Crossfit that way. They then babble about how a real home in a suburb felt huge before giving us project number one – wallpaper the back of your bookcases. Because every home decor book has to include chalkboard paint and a bar cart, they combined the two into “Make Over A Bar Cart With Chalkboard Paint”.

Yeah I don't see this getting drunkenly smeared at all.

Yeah I don’t see this getting drunkenly smeared at all.

If you can’t find a sofa you can use a daybed, and you can make curtains with fabric and iron some hems with hem tape. Then we are treated to some IKEA Lack table abuse. What do DIY/decor bloggers have against IKEA Lack tables, seriously? Anyburgers, you can screw the legs to the top of the table to create shelves, stick two tables side by side to create a bed headboard, or stack the tables on top of each other to create shelving – an idea similar to what Hannah did on ‘Girls’. You can use an old door to make a desk, headboard, or folding screen room divider. They give us “One Sofa Three Ways”.

So...change the throw pillows? Ok.

So…change the throw pillows? Ok.

They don’t want you to forget your hallway. Did you know you can paint your hallway, or even hang things in it? And watch out for “dark spots” – if there are places in your home that need light you should add a lamp. Niches “can be challenging” so you should put things in them like bookshelves or plants or a bench. They give us a how-to on staining furniture, and show us how to paint a “Cheapo Paper Lantern”, and then tell us to “Try Wallpaper” by giving us the urls of the DIY Network and youtube for instructions. They show us how to glue sticks to a mirror and then suggest we switch out ugly light fixtures with not ugly light fixtures. Then some random blogger ends the chapter by showing how she wallpapered her apartment’s front door.

Chapter 2 is ‘Nosh‘ and this is the kitchen and dining section. John says the whole blog started because their first project was a kitchen renovation.

Sherry thought blogging sounded weird and time waste-y, which is more than a little ironic since she soon fell in love with it…

Yeah, to put it mildly. The first kitchen project is three ideas for a backsplash which is the same junk every DIY show ever suggests – beadboard, tin ceiling tiles, leaning framed fabric up against the wall behind your counters. The next project is wrapping decorative tape around your terra-cotta herb pots, then we are shown “A Fruit Bowl Five Ways”…

AMAZEDIZZLES

AMAZEDIZZLES

…and “Three Ways To Set The Table”, both of which basically involve “use different things”. You can “refresh” your kitchen by switching out the cabinet hardware and/or painting your kitchen cabinets, you can even remove your kitchen cabinet doors and paint the backs of the cabinets OMG! If you want to get cah-razay you can remove the upper cabinets and hang art! You can reupholster dining chairs by taking off the seat and stapling new fabric on, which is something every episode of Trading Spaces showed us how to do in college. We are told not to be scared of flowers.

Flowers used to confuse us. Until we cracked the code.

The code apparently being put flowers in a vase. And here’s a knife storage tip for all you parents of small children.

Nothing says 'not a potential mess and safety hazard' like...this.

Nothing says ‘not a potential mess and safety hazard’ like…this.

The chapter ends with another rando showing us how she sanded off part of the paint on her sideboard to make it look more like something from a dumpster.

Chapter 3 is ‘Doze‘ which is the bedroom section. Sherry begins by talking about some New Kids On The Block poster she had in her room as a kid, and John had some collage of the cast of the Real World. Anyspraypaints, we start off with “One Bed Three Ways”, which is, you guessed it – one bed with three different sets of linens. We are advised to have lighting we can reach from bed because it’s “such a luxury to have a light that you can switch off from bed”. (PP note: if you really just have no way to accomplish this I cannot recommend the Hue wifi LED lighting system enough. It’s a bit $$$ up front but your electric bill will go way down and you can control them from your phone which makes you feel like Tony Stark. End PP note.) You can paint the shape of a headboard on your wall, I guess if you never plan on moving your bed ever. Then there is “One Nightstand Three Ways” which is basically a nightstand painted three different colors.

They show us how to stick wallpaper on the front of a dresser, and “One Bedroom Two Ways” which takes this idea to a new level of ridiculizzle by showing that you can change a room by changing the nightstand, headboard, and bedding. This chapter ends with rando number three showcasing how she totally changed her dresser…by painting it.

Chapter 4 is ‘Rinse‘ and this is the bathroom chapter. But first, intermission. I’ll take the book out with me so I can get a head start.

DIY calls for cold beer!

DIY calls for cold beer!

Oh intermission, you are never long enough.

Sherry begins the chapter by telling us she really wanted to take a sledgehammer to the tiles, but alas, she was DIYing a baby. When John came out of the bathroom “ten hours later” complaining about being sore Shurrybeff replied “remember when I tossed my cookies for a hudred days straight” because she was pregnant, and “took great joy in reminding John just how heroic I was” for reproducing. Anydramas, the first project is a how-to on dipping bulb covers into a bowl of paint to create stripes on the bottom, then rando number four talking about how they tiled their bathroom sink backsplash. Swapping out your faucet can update your bathroom and they provide four steps on one page on how to do this. I guess this is before they realized you can pay some dude like $50 bucks to come do this for you. You can “Chic Up A Toilet Tank” but putting flowers and a candle on it. You should “Buy The Fancy Stuff At Least Once” – then you can refill the fancy bottles with whatever cheap soap and lotion. This made me like Shurry a bit, because I like fellow Grocery Store People.

Chapter 5 is ‘Stow‘ and it’s a bunch of crazy basic storage tips like utilize verticle space and underbed storage, buy ottomans etc with hidden storage, oh hey baskets and boxes. But I couldn’t let you miss out on this.

Please stop trying so hardizzle.

Please stop trying so hardizzle.

Chapter 6 is ‘Hang‘ and it’s all about gallery walls and shadowboxes and framing and hanging pretty much everything. There are a couple of pages of gallery wall arrangements, then a DIY on sewing angled lines onto cardstock to frame.

You can get a projector and put a shape on your wall which you can then paint on to get the pattern on the wall for some reason? Or maybe “Hang Something By A Relative” which does not actually mean hang something by Aunt Judy’s head, but hang artwork done by someone in your family. If you don’t want to hang your art directly on the wall you can “Make Simple Picture Ledges” by screwing shelves onto your wall and setting framed art on them. Then we have CHALKBOARD WALL because that has not been done to death yet I guess. Boring “Hang Fabric As Art”, which even I have done, and advice to hang something over your television. If sticking coffee filters on your headboard wasn’t enough 3-D wtfery for you, you can cut book pages into shapes and hammer them onto your wall with straight pins.

WHY

WHY

If you’re at a loss after all of this helpful advice, Mr. and Mrs. Dawg say you can just “Start A Collection” to showcase in frames or on shelves. Other things you can hang on your wall include branches, signs, sconces, plates, baskets (wut), floating shelves, your kids’ art, wallpaper samples…and numbers or letters. It might be time for me to move on to wine now because this is getting pretty basic and I don’t know if I can continue without an actual drink.

Chapter 7 is ‘Tweak‘, which is “accessorizing ideas”. The first sentence in the chapter is “As anyone who reads our blog knows…” and I know this is super BEC but I frickin hate when bloggers act like the entire world reads their blog. Anynamingnapkins, this chapter tells us we can move throw pillows around to change up rooms, and gives advice about how to “Add A Plant That (Probably) Won’t Die Immediately”. There’s a DIY on sewing napkins together to make pillow covers and more chalkboard paint, this time on old bottles so you can use them as candle/flower holders. You can use glasses as more than just delivery systems for alcohol!

Oh hey it's Burger, that dog who is not as cute as my dog.

Oh hey it’s Burger, that dog who is not as cute as my dog.

You might take a trip, even just a day trip, and buy something meaningful “somewhere else”. Try stacking books or candles or art in your unused fireplace, you crazy kids! And don’t forget to “Add A Slap Of Whimsy”! Hot glue gun fabric onto a lampshade, or paint the lampshade, or paint the base of an old lamp, or trim it with ribbon! Still confused by flowers? Try sticking them in something that is not a vase.

In case you never read any issue of Real Simple ever.

In case you never read any issue of Real Simple ever.

The chapter closes with yet another rando suggesting you line a glass vase with decorative paper and then place your flowers inside, in a smaller vase.

Chapter 8 is ‘Cheers‘, and it’s about entertaining. The final chapter is, ironically in light of today’s SCOTUS ruling, titled ‘Out‘ and it’s about entertaining outside and has advice like paint your front door and paint wooden planters to add color.

The book ends with the now familiar resources directory.

Sorry to peace out like a jerk here, hams, but I am lucky enough to not be stuck in an office during this momentous ruling and I’m going out to celebrate my shoed-and-teethed ass off.

Baconcat says "Till next time, dawgz!"

Baconcat says “Till next time, dawgz! Murrica!”

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Belle Gibson Goes On 60 Minutes, Claims “I’ve Been Really Transparent” http://getoffmyinternets.net/belle-gibson-goes-on-60-minutes-claims-ive-been-really-transparent/ http://getoffmyinternets.net/belle-gibson-goes-on-60-minutes-claims-ive-been-really-transparent/ Wed, 24 Jun 2015 14:28:19 +0000 http://getoffmyinternets.net/?p=639996 on to the tl;dr ]]> belleure

The schaden-fraud that is the saga of Belle Gibson, cancer faker, now continues on 60 minutes. Gibson gave an interview to the news show which will air this coming Sunday. Why do this? Is it because she wanted to issue an apology? Confess her sins? Nope, it’s because she reportedly got paid upwards of $45,000 dollars for the interview.

Saying “I’m not trying to get away with anything” and “I’ve lost everything”, Gibson’s voice and face remained carefully controlled. Others are not so self-contained – the 60 Minutes facebook post is filling up with comments full of outrage that a cancer faker is being possibly being paid to continue her pity party on television. Nine Network, which will be airing the show, responded to the anger by saying “we suggest they hold their judgment until they see the interview Tara Brown has done”.

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