Cecily Kellogg, you don’t get a say, is going to have all the says about sex on her new mattress. Apparently some company contacted her out of the blue and offered to send her a free $3,000 bed. After rattling off the sales pitch the company no doubt made a part of the deal, Cecily regales us with another sterling feature of her sponsored sleep arena:
Know for what y’all really want to know: how’s it for sex?
Oh yeah, you know I’m gonna go there.
It’s GOOD. We’ve found that for some, er, festivities, we prefer to increase the pressure settings temporarily, but it’s great for other things as is (such as being on your knees for any length of time AHEM). Generally, it’s been awesome, although there is a much greater risk of falling asleep after any festivities because the bed is so damned comfortable (and with my mom living with us and Tori, we’re often grabbing time together during the day, so this is a serious risk. Heh.).
Thanks, Cecily! This mental image is exactly what will convince me that this is the bed for me. Why do bloggers continue to confuse “keepin’ it real” and “edgy” with “crass” and “unnecessary”? People, there is a way to get the message across that it’s less squishy than a waterbed but more squishy than the back of a Fiesta hatchback (wow I really need to date higher caliber men) without getting into details about knee joints and your actual coital schedule.
I’m not some huge prude. But if you’re going to skankmouth at least make it well written, amusing skankmouth. There’s a fine line between entertaining reality based anecdotes and just plain awkward tmi. If you can’t tell the difference then maybe keep your 50 Shades of Sponsored stories to yourself.
Know for what y’all really want to know: how’s it for sex?
We’ve found that for some, er, festivities
I hate when people specifically state they are going to write about sex and then act demure about it.
I just don’t understand what her hehe activities story adds to the review of the mattress. People will fuck in a hammock if that’s what’s around. I don’t think “how is it for sex” is even on the list considering human beings will pretty much have sex on anything available. I don’t see the point of this other than being some bizarro humblebragging that she’s getting laid.
You would say that. You write with BOTH HANDS.
MORE WITCHES!!!!
This made my day. Just FYI.
It’s just so eleventh grade to brag about TEH SECKS. Yeah. We’re adults. Many of us have had sex already! More than once even!
My former coworker would make a huge production out of taking her BC at precisely 12:30 every day. If we were out to lunch (with our boss, natch), she would make a big deal out of making sure she had water at hand and announce that she had to take it. It was like, bitch. We get it. You’re married. You have sex. It’s not like you’re inventing the fucking wheel here.
My sister in law does EXACTLY the same thing. Bitch, you have two kids already.
people still do this? it was cool in high school when not everyone was on the pill. but dude, you’ve got two kids – the jig’s already up. no need to brag.
Thank you!
I don’t really want to screw on a bed full of springs popping out, or gravel, but I’ve not noticed a pleasure difference since getting a slightly better mattress.
I don’t mean to be all correct-o-matic but the subject of sex on a memory foam mattress is actually a thing, like I know a few people who love them but say they make sex problematic. There are lots of articles available on the subject. They’re great for lots of physical conditions and sleep problems, though.
i dunno when i got my memory foam bed it was extremely fun esp in certain positions so i dont discount that a bed can change things.
After 20 years of marriage, I care a lot more about sleep than sex.
Ditto after 6.5 years
I care about the old days when we have time and I could scream. With tweens around, bleh. Sleepovers yeah but try to coordinate two for the same time.
I’ve had sex in a hammock. I do not recommend it, the damn thing swings the whole time.
if she is going to segway into sex talk maybe should could get white lily flower to sponsor a post or two…
flour not flower silly ham fists and tequila
i love you, dogs
LOVED that scene!!
Just when I regained my sight after last post’s horrifying visual, now I’mma have to gouge out my mind’s eye.
We need to bulk order some eye bleach. Also, does anyone else think she looks like she could be Mckmamma’s sister?
Here, let me borrow you a fork. Then please give it back so I can gouge mine out as well.
” I’mma have to gouge out my mind’s eye.” Love this. Totally stealing it. You cat ladies/men totally make me LOL daily.
“Such as being on your knees for any length of time AHEM.”
CANNOT UNSEE.
JESUS CHRIST.
Right? It’s now like I have flashes of said knee-activities flashing through my head and I can’t stop them!! I don’t know what’s worse; yesterday’s pic greeting me so early in the AM or the visual of this woman rolling around her new mattress having the sex-ay times.
I can’t help but think of the ham flaps from her last appearance on GOMI.
And it’s even worse that she had to begin that post by describing in minute detail how she’s too fat for a massage table (cue tiny violin):
“I don’t enjoy getting massages as much you’d think I would. I mean, I love the massage part. It’s the massage table that I hate. The truth is, as the owner of a bigger body, massage tables are horrendously uncomfortable. When I lie face down and flat, my belly pushes up hard into my lungs and rib cage making it hard to breathe. My large ass boobs make putting my face in that circle-face thing impossible – my neck simply won’t bend down far enough, and it doesn’t flex up high enough to make it comfortable. When I lie on my back, my lower back aches because my butt pushes up making my spine curve awkwardly.”
Maybe she should ask for a prenatal massage (on her side).
Also, this makes me want to diet.
Seriously. I no longer want to snack between meals.
“My large ass boobs…”
I just spent several seconds wondering what the hell ass boobs are.
I dunno but my flat ass kinda wishes I had some.
I couldn’t get past “ass boobs” either.
I saw a documentary a few years ago that suggested men were turned on by cleavage because on some primal level the male animal sees their similarity to butt cheeks and cave man had sex from behind, not missionary.
YES. I heard that too, and can believe it. Baboons still have the butt cheek attraction going on.
Ass boobs (n.) – ass-like breasts, and/or cleavage that resembles a plumber’s crack
See: that Gravano bitch
Okay. Now this illustrates the importance of the hyphen.
“…large ass boobs…”
ASS. BOOBS.
I do not have any pity for massively obese women. Call me coldhearted, but if you’re massively obese for other than medical conditions such as steroid use to treat an illness etc. ….meh.
Same…and I sure wish they’d refrain from burning a gnarly image of their sexual activities into my mind. Grosssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
This is Ursula from The Little Mermaid, right?
You took the words right out of my mouth!
How dare you insult Ursula like that! That bitch was fabulous.
Lol!
I think this every time I see this woman!
Oh me too!!!
Cecily is a snob and a social climber and only socializes at functions with people who can advance her “career”. By the way.
DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUES, ME, TOO! CU(e)RSULA!
And I’m sorry but I have no “pity” for the OBESE either. I can’t imagine mounting the sow.
Thank the dieties that I don’t eat pork or she is what I would see every time.
AND XOXOXOXO to: “50 Shades of Sponsor”
She’s not gonna do much climbing until she loses some serious poundage. Literal and figuratitve reference here.
No disrespect to real Ursula. There’s just a certain likeness.
Actually, no Cecily, I wasn’t wondering in the least whether that mattress is good for sex and I bet no one else was either.
Remember folks, she has to be a bad ass blogger and I guess she thinks including info about her sex life makes her bad ass.
Now at least I know exactly what brand of mattress I’m least likely to buy.
Yeah, I wonder what the company thought of her ‘review.’ That’s probably EXACTLY the kind of PR they were going for.
This is precisely why you see so few sponsored posts on her blog. And why she’s always begging on twitter. She’s a huge liability and any brand that peruses her blog and twitter stream for more than a few minutes can see that. While she spends a great deal of time humblebragging on every platform she can access, the lies about her blog traffic and her inflated spammy twitter followers don’t change her horribly abrasive personality and inability to write well. Have to wonder how many PR firms’ ‘Do Not Contact’ lists she’s on at this point.
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4y3zvS1qs1ql5yr7o1_r1_400.gif
The Ramonacoaster. This is awesome.
This is the BEST GIF EVER.
Bwaaaahaaaa. PERFECT.
So grateful that you can’t smell the internet. Breathe. Yes.
BRB, going to throw up my ham.
Ugh, the visual of her mom and kid puttering around the house while they are doing knee activities on her free Craftmatic.
It’s ok… don’t worry. Her daughter is FIERCE. She can handle something ordinary like walking in on Daytime Ham being made. She is six years old TODAY after all…
I would looooove to see a post about how theyre sending lil miss fiercy to an un-schooling “free school” that costs TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR.. this is insane..she was just tweeting about foodstamps last week.. then $300 shoes in the same day, then the $10,000 a year school.. then “oh, lucky us! we have enough money to buy our kid a birthday gift this year.” What the actual fuck, people?
I’d LOVE to see a post that documented the kid getting health insurance coverage…She DOES continue to humblebrag on how *they* are finally making enough money to live on..long as Mom is there helping out I guess but she is relying on an internet start up for the majority of her income and as USUAL..saving nothing. Considering her work history..fired..fired ..FIRED..fired..it’s a toss up between company goes bust or the inevitable FIRED…
She flipped out on a commenter telling her it was irresponsible to not have medical coverage for her kid not too far back..right around the DC egg roll “vacation”..the one her kid was too sick to attend? All the way to DC on her own dime so husband and kid could hit up 4 or 5 urgent care clinics. SO responsible !!
coming back to say I love your name “Strawberry Shampoo.” LMFAO
OH LOOK A NEW GOMI POST YAY
….. *retch*
Me too.. I avoided Ck’s post after reading the descrption on Twitter..and STILL… look how Alice DONE me…!!!!
she also advised that her new bed can hold 3 large pizza boxes and an order of cheesy sticks from dominos.
See, THAT’S information I can use!
the real question is, how many hams can she fit on there?
Douche Canoe is my hero!