Mommy Blogging WTF

Cecily’s New Bed Is Great For Sex

Cecily Kellogg, you don’t get a say, is going to have all the says about sex on her new mattress. Apparently some company contacted her out of the blue and offered to send her a free $3,000 bed. After rattling off the sales pitch the company no doubt made a part of the deal, Cecily regales us with another sterling feature of her sponsored sleep arena:

Know for what y’all really want to know: how’s it for sex?

Oh yeah, you know I’m gonna go there.

It’s GOOD. We’ve found that for some, er, festivities, we prefer to increase the pressure settings temporarily, but it’s great for other things as is (such as being on your knees for any length of time AHEM). Generally, it’s been awesome, although there is a much greater risk of falling asleep after any festivities because the bed is so damned comfortable (and with my mom living with us and Tori, we’re often grabbing time together during the day, so this is a serious risk. Heh.).

Thanks, Cecily! This mental image is exactly what will convince me that this is the bed for me. Why do bloggers continue to confuse “keepin’ it real” and “edgy” with “crass” and “unnecessary”? People, there is a way to get the message across that it’s less squishy than a waterbed but more squishy than the back of a Fiesta hatchback  (wow I really need to date higher caliber men) without getting into details about knee joints and your actual coital schedule.

I’m not some huge prude. But if you’re going to skankmouth at least make it well written, amusing skankmouth.  There’s a fine line between entertaining reality based anecdotes and just plain awkward tmi. If you can’t tell the difference then maybe keep your 50 Shades of Sponsored stories to yourself.




  1. avatar dogsandmovies

    Know for what y’all really want to know: how’s it for sex?
    We’ve found that for some, er, festivities

    I hate when people specifically state they are going to write about sex and then act demure about it.

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  2. avatar dogsandmovies

    20f3g51.gif

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  3. avatar penelope tree

    so-hardcore.png

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  4. avatar ScarfAce

    Just when I regained my sight after last post's horrifying visual, now I'mma have to gouge out my mind's eye.

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    • We need to bulk order some eye bleach. Also, does anyone else think she looks like she could be Mckmamma's sister?

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    • avatar MrsG

      Here, let me borrow you a fork. Then please give it back so I can gouge mine out as well.

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    • avatar Lamemoniker

      " I’mma have to gouge out my mind’s eye." Love this. Totally stealing it. You cat ladies/men totally make me LOL daily.

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  5. "Such as being on your knees for any length of time AHEM."

    CANNOT UNSEE.

    JESUS CHRIST.

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    • avatar DirtyLakeMichigan

      Right? It's now like I have flashes of said knee-activities flashing through my head and I can't stop them!! I don't know what's worse; yesterday's pic greeting me so early in the AM or the visual of this woman rolling around her new mattress having the sex-ay times.

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      • I can't help but think of the ham flaps from her last appearance on GOMI.

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  6. avatar Spooky

    This is Ursula from The Little Mermaid, right?

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    • avatar AreYouKiddingMe

      You took the words right out of my mouth!

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    • avatar douche canoe

      Ursula_Wicked-_1280x800.jpg

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    • avatar hamnapkin

      How dare you insult Ursula like that! That bitch was fabulous.

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    • avatar Nutter Butter

      I think this every time I see this woman!

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      • Oh me too!!!

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        • avatar twisted pearls

          Cecily is a snob and a social climber and only socializes at functions with people who can advance her "career". By the way.

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          • avatar magically delicious

            DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUES, ME, TOO! CU(e)RSULA!

            And I'm sorry but I have no "pity" for the OBESE either. I can't imagine mounting the sow.

            Thank the dieties that I don't eat pork or she is what I would see every time.

            AND XOXOXOXO to: "50 Shades of Sponsor"

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          • avatar AndyDD

            She's not gonna do much climbing until she loses some serious poundage. Literal and figuratitve reference here.

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    • avatar SleazeFrieze

      No disrespect to real Ursula. There's just a certain likeness.
      ursula.jpg

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  7. avatar kissmygrits

    Actually, no Cecily, I wasn't wondering in the least whether that mattress is good for sex and I bet no one else was either.

    Remember folks, she has to be a bad ass blogger and I guess she thinks including info about her sex life makes her bad ass.

    Now at least I know exactly what brand of mattress I'm least likely to buy.

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    • avatar ernst

      Yeah, I wonder what the company thought of her 'review.' That's probably EXACTLY the kind of PR they were going for.

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      • avatar Melinda

        This is precisely why you see so few sponsored posts on her blog. And why she's always begging on twitter. She's a huge liability and any brand that peruses her blog and twitter stream for more than a few minutes can see that. While she spends a great deal of time humblebragging on every platform she can access, the lies about her blog traffic and her inflated spammy twitter followers don't change her horribly abrasive personality and inability to write well. Have to wonder how many PR firms' 'Do Not Contact' lists she's on at this point.

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  8. avatar zap

    http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4y3zvS1qs1ql5yr7o1_r1_400.gif

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  9. avatar Miss Noir

    So grateful that you can't smell the internet. Breathe. Yes.

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  10. avatar GetMePizzaYouOldTroll

    oX0x5.gif

    BRB, going to throw up my ham.

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  11. avatar Random Person

    Ugh, the visual of her mom and kid puttering around the house while they are doing knee activities on her free Craftmatic.

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    • avatar Strawberry Shampoo

      It's ok... don't worry. Her daughter is FIERCE. She can handle something ordinary like walking in on Daytime Ham being made. She is six years old TODAY after all...

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      • avatar Melinda

        I would looooove to see a post about how theyre sending lil miss fiercy to an un-schooling "free school" that costs TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR.. this is insane..she was just tweeting about foodstamps last week.. then $300 shoes in the same day, then the $10,000 a year school.. then "oh, lucky us! we have enough money to buy our kid a birthday gift this year." What the actual fuck, people?

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        • avatar drhoctor2

          I'd LOVE to see a post that documented the kid getting health insurance coverage...She DOES continue to humblebrag on how *they* are finally making enough money to live on..long as Mom is there helping out I guess but she is relying on an internet start up for the majority of her income and as USUAL..saving nothing. Considering her work history..fired..fired ..FIRED..fired..it's a toss up between company goes bust or the inevitable FIRED...
          She flipped out on a commenter telling her it was irresponsible to not have medical coverage for her kid not too far back..right around the DC egg roll "vacation"..the one her kid was too sick to attend? All the way to DC on her own dime so husband and kid could hit up 4 or 5 urgent care clinics. SO responsible !!

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          • avatar magically delicious

            coming back to say I love your name "Strawberry Shampoo." LMFAO

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  12. avatar herpderpsnarf

    OH LOOK A NEW GOMI POST YAY

    ..... *retch*

    3204840swsw.gif

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    • avatar drhoctor2

      Me too.. I avoided Ck's post after reading the descrption on Twitter..and STILL... look how Alice DONE me...!!!!

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  13. avatar douche canoe

    she also advised that her new bed can hold 3 large pizza boxes and an order of cheesy sticks from dominos.

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