Internets Mommy Blogging WTF

Cecily Kellogg Is The Great White Story Changer

Cecilyk, race relations justice fighter from her sofa, jumped on yet another hashtag this week. During her train ride to LastStabAtRelevanceville, she tweeted this claim.

urthecrime

If you’re wondering why you’ve never heard this story before, don’t worry – you have. Just not this new version.

One version tells of a young Cecily joy riding with a friend’s car and being forced to apologize.

Pretty quickly we found their liquor stash, and soon we found their car keys, and we were driving their car through town, drunk…It was New Year’s Eve of 1981 when my mom asked me about the car…I was sure she knew everything, and I immediately confessed…I remember sitting in the house when the owners came back, forced to tell them what had happened, my mother rigid at my side. I remember the husband of that family looking stricken, saying, “Even now, I find myself wanting to trust you. How could you do this to us?” I remember feeling shame and yet burning with resentment, thinking that they were rich (they weren’t, the car was actually pretty old), what did it matter that I drank their booze and trashed their car?

In an earlier version she claimed “I got put in jail for a few hours as a kid to try to scare me straight after I stole a car at 13.”  Now via twitter she is evidently claiming she was not arrested – only the black kid involved was - and saying “only white people” don’t believe her story.

It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t add up; intarwebs reporters are still spreading her dubious tale around in their stories about the hashtag. Cecily whined to her facebook audience ”I’m still getting press requests”, and tweeted this self-important statement:

swamportant

…as if the press are chasing her down for comment like she’s Kate Middleton walking out of Boots with a pregnancy test.

So it looks like all her couch based hashtag activism has finally paid off by giving her a last stab at notoriety. I can’t wait to see how our new voice of racial justice changes the world, one “brown boy” at a time.

197

Internets Lifestyle Blogging

The Resurrection Of The Ghostbev

Some of you hams may remember Beverly the Ghost. She’s the blogger who created a thread about herself, denied it, and then posed as her husband to come back and pull the old They’re Dead You Jerks routine. If you’d rather not kill about 9 hours of your day by reading the entire thread, you can read a summary here, with links to the relevant lols.

Anyhoo, there’s a couple of updates on our resident poltergeist. It seems when she’s not busy posing for Scooby-Doo episodes, she’s running a photography business and getting pregnant. I guess this means she’s given up trying to be a big blogger – at least for now.

So is anyone else picturing this, or am I the only person who gave up real life in order to play the Sims?

203

Fashion Blogging Internets

Pink Peonies Finally Admits She’s Pregnant

Pink Peonies, allegedly makes a million dollars per year, has finally ended months of speculation and admitted she has a little Rstyle link in her uterus.

As you can see from my growing belly, there’s a new addition coming to the Parcell family in spring 2015…

She’s been claiming for months that she’s just eating too many ‘peanut m&ms’ but the GOMI Pregnancy Test never fails.

99

Internets Mommy Blogging

Katie Vyktoriah Victimized Yet Again

Katie Vyktoriah, the mom who claimed her son was assaulted at a Wal-Mart for wearing a pink headband, is back and more victimy than ever. This time the mistreatment magnet says Comcast chased her down by phone after she complained about their downtime via twitter.

Saying she “was HELLA confused because I can’t for the life of me figure out how they got my number”, she recounts a conversation verbatim (evidently from memory), in which a customer service representative was allegedly patronizing and sexist (“By your own admission, it worked when your husband did it last night. So he can probably get it to work again.”) to the point of forcing her to hang up on the pigdog man.

I hung up the phone, absolutely amazed at the conversation I just had. I genuinely was racking my brains trying to figure out who might be prank calling me because I could not for the life of me imagine a company calling me out of the blue just to insult me and make me feel like an idiot. But before I could really think too hard about it, the phone rang again.

She claims the customer service rep’s manager immediately called her back…and, she says, asked her to move away from her screaming children because he couldn’t hear her answers before explaining to her that since they weren’t using a Comcast modem, they couldn’t really help her. But the outrage does not end there.

I’m also rather confused as to how they 1) got my telephone number and 2) knew what account I was associated with. Our internet service is 100% in Mark’s name, and with his number. THEY called ME, I assume because of the tweet I sent, and then proceeded to insult me and demand more money. They were able to view our account details, despite me never giving them any information. As far as I’m aware, from my Twitter account the only thing they should have been able to see was my name and the city I’m in.

Brilliant Katie concludes this bizarre tl;dr attempt at inciting anti-corporate outrage (she even tagged the post ‘controversy’) by saying “And people wonder why Net Neutrality is such a big issue”. She then called Hulu a “Pornographic Pool of Filth” and longed for Google Fiber.

There was no mention of threatening pizzas.

156

Internets Mommy Blogging

World Prays As Dooce Continues To Recover From Texting Injury

In shocking health news, Dooce, ever bravely suffering, has revealed she’s been bravely suffering from a horrible, painful injury for months.

One Saturday afternoon in early August I texted so much and so furiously that I woke up the next morning with a shooting pain in my right thumb. I could barely move it and began texting with my index and middle fingers.

Telling a nurse she “texted too hard”, Dooce was able to bravely make it to a sports doctor who gave her a shot of prednisone and sent her home to bravely suffer and freak out on twitter.

It seems Dooce’s thumb requires more pain management, even after a second trip to the doctor for more shots. Saying she has “become fascinated by the human capacity to endure pain”, she went on to compare her hand x-ray to her mother’s cancer treatment before telling us she is “now exploring other doctors and options” to deal with her incapacitating situation.

185