Internets WTF

XOJane Wants You To Advise A 17 Year Old

XOJane is trying to post better content lately. As part of that noble effort, they are sharing stories sent in by suicidal teenagers. In a piece titled “How Do I Stop Hating Myself?” a kid asks advice from the Hivers on how to deal with problems that should really be dealt with by a professional.

I’m 17 and I had my first, and so far only, boyfriend when I was 13…A few days before my sixteenth birthday I got a text from a friend of his saying that he was dead. I knew he killed himself and I keep blaming myself for it.

The writer goes on to say they “can’t stop thinking if I had done more he’d still be here today” and adds they “haven’t self harmed in awhile, but this still gets to me so much so that thoughts of suicide flood my head because I just want to stop hurting and blaming myself”.

Does anyone else wonder wtf was going through the XOEditors’ minds when they posted this? Rather than responding “wow this is probably something you should seek counseling for, here are some resources”, they posted it for ragebait and pageviews. Welcome to ‘legitimate online media’, folks.


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Internets

2015 GOMI Awards – The Categories

It’s time once again for the most important awards on the intarwebs – the GOMIs! Here are the starting categories for 2015.

Best Flounce

Biggest WTF

Most Insane Fangirling

Biggest Decline

Most Improved

And of course, the Lifetime Failchievement award. Now it’s up to you to suggest up to five additional categories which will be added to the GOMI Awards voting area. You can also nominate bloggers for the above categories, and for any suggested categories.

And if you’re wondering what happened last year, you can check out the results here. Happy nominating, hams!


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Internets Mommy Blogging

Uppercase Woman Is No More

Cecily Kellogg, dunzo, has finally torpedoed the archive of life fail known as Uppercase Woman.

Thanks for a great ten years…I’ve decided to say goodbye to Uppercase Woman…Thank you, so much, for reading and supporting me.

She has moved over to CecilyK.com, where apparently she is attempting to rebrand herself as a picmonkey’d ‘content creator’. There is no mention of her getting any kind of real job. Apparently she intends to cling to the wine and roses cash money days of Babble with a furious grip.


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Internets Lifestyle Blogging

You Don’t Know Hope And You Don’t Know How To Read Her Posts

Hope Kumor, you don’t understand her love, put a charming piece of Livejournalism up on XOJane the other day. It was a long screed about the buttmadness of living with her boyfriend’s parents, those jerks.

But it’s not even her fault, guys. She HAD to move out of her parents’ home and into her boyfriend’s parents’ home instead of some apartment, because money.

…I have student loans to pay for along with my car. All of our money would be going to the apartment instead of living. We wouldn’t be able to go out to eat a good meal or even go on vacation. We were stuck.

No vacations or eating out??? That’s like, SO awful, guys. But living with his parents is even worse. She can’t run around in her thong, or grope her boyfriend in the kitchen, even. How can anyone live in such an oppressed state?

I want to have passionate sex and vocalize as loud as I want. Whenever we’re doing the deed, I must cover my mouth so I don’t make too much noise. I must be respectful, but that part really sucks because I can never truly let myself go.

When commenters began to point out that perhaps Princess Thong was being a bit entitled, she shot back with a post basically telling people they read it all wrong.

…THANK YOU to all those who left us lovely comments. I suppose you didn’t pick up on the sarcasm of our situation. It was a joke, but maybe you aren’t smart enough to decipher the difference.

Evidently that still wasn’t enough venting, because today Hope came back with yet more ‘clarification’, explaining that the unwashed masses will never understand her great Isoldean love story and she and her boyfriend are the nicest most responsible adulting people ever, so there.

Brett & I have a unique relationship that no one will ever understand. Maybe you think that’s immature of me to say, but you’ll never get it and I don’t feel as if I need to explain that. Thanks for your concern though. It’s greatly appreciated.

She continued with the tired old “The thing is, you don’t know me. You don’t know a thing about me. You merely read this article and judged me” crap that all these early 20s, 5 Thought Catalog Posts Means I Am A Writer ‘writers’ spew out when someone on earth dares to tell them they aren’t a Speshul Sneauxflake.

Kids today, amirite??? Someone give these two a free vacation to Jamaica and some Applebee’s gift cards already!


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Internets WTF

Mandajuice Will DUI While Blonde

Mandajuice, stinky, tried to join in the “criming while white” nonsense with this proud moment of whitery.

A little over a year ago I got pulled over for running a red light in St. John’s (the most racially diverse neighborhood in Portland). I was on my way home from a party at which I had more than one glass of wine. Likely more than one BOTTLE. My car was not registered. I was uninsured. I thought I was FUCKED.

But lol nope! She’s blonde so it was totally ok! “But me and my shiny blond hair got off with only a ticket.”

She went on to inform the world that being able to drive on home (evidently while drunk) and sleep it off in her own bed “made me sick that night. Utterly sick.” She then cried her blonde white self to sleep over her blonde white privilege.

Did anyone miss the part where this canker just admitted driving while drunk? Am I the only person focusing on that? Because her fanpoodles are high fiving her bravery like she just admitted she led the storm at Normandy. Look, I’m all for solidarity but maybe wink winking about how you drove home with “likely more than one bottle” of wine in you is not a cute way to go about it.


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