The OMG MOST IMPORTANT DAY EVER is now completed. How do we know? She tweeted it of course!
The day started off with Jessica driving everyone around her nuts, and prompting her father to suggest she put something in her mouth:
Its 10am and my dad has already suggested I have a drink. Hahaha. Zen bride! Zen bride! (Zomg! Can’t believe today is the day!!!)about 23 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
ZOMG!!! ZOMG! Anyway, as The First Woman Ever To Get Married Ever continued to flit about like some kind of hummingbride, the Quirkster paced his hotel room and contemplated the bondage he was signing himself up for:
I should stop pacing around the hotel room like a caged monkey.about 21 hours ago via twidroid
Jessica took his frenetic last minute escape planning as a sign that he could not contain his joy at shackling himself to the most self-aware person on the planet:
@quirk trust me, I feel the same way!! See ya at 5. Can. Not. Wait.about 20 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® in reply to quirk
Next Jessica forced everyone to read the vows and assure her that they were moving, original, with a touch of humour and wit:
Vows: read ‘em and weep. The waterworks have commenced.about 20 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
And then, the moment she has waited for all her life (until she gets pregnant around Christmas):
Here we go!!!!about 16 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
So that was just about the best 6 hours of my life!!! I’m Mrs. @quirk!!!!!!!!!!about 10 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
OMG OMG!!! It’s over!!!!!! Is everyone ok? Did we all make it through the most AHMAZING DAY EVER? Seriously who the fuck tweets through their wedding day?
Anyway, to congratulate Midwest Mess I’d like to remind her of what she didn’t marry:
That’s ok, she didn’t want to marry Jason Mraz anyway! Congrats Quirk, really got yourself a prize.
She posted her vows to twitter. What a freak. I just can’t.
NO. ONE. CARES.
You’re just jealous because they “had the perfect wedding!!!”
You’re right. I really hope when my special day comes and my real life begins, I am so happy and in the moment that I am posting to twitter both before and directly after the wedding, instead of enjoying the moment and not giving a shit about alerting the world to how happy I am.
Can’t find her vows myself.
She didn’t tweet the actual vows, just some tweet about how the vows made everyone cry.
Really, why stop there? Why not twitter every other detail of her new amazing life?
“Just got to the hotel! We are about to have SEX as man and wife!”
“First time I’m seeing the penis of MY HUSBAND right now, it’s out and I’m looking at it!”
“My HUSBAND is now schtupping me! Ooh ahhh yes yes yes! Feels so good to make love with my HUSBAND!”
“(five minutes later) I have lost my wife virginity! We didn’t use condoms! There might be a little Jessica Quirk inside me now!”
“We are cuddling as man and wife! My husband fell asleep pretty quickly! He is very tired from having the happiest day of his life!”
“Can’t sleep! So excited to be Mrs. Adam Quirk!”
“My HUSBAND just woke up with a raging morning boner! SO HAPPY!!!!!”
I believe the above scenario–while hilarious–is far too well-adjusted and sexually mature for our new Mrs. Quirk.
I was being generous I think, that’s for noticing.
That’s Jason Mraz?
He’s kinda cute—more info on him pls.
I think they dated for a while sometime in 2007 or something. If you look back at her old blog there are a lot of her talking about how she’s vegan, her travelling with him, and then as it unravels the posts start to get sort of passive aggressive and resentful.
Weird that she went to London with him AFTER “breaking up” with him on her blog… I have musician friends and have seen a lot of groupies – their lack of self-respect has often made me cringe (as had the selfish behavior of my musician friends toward those poor girls). It’s pretty much always a dysfunctional mess, so I’m not sure why she chose to go back to that well…
I know that this was three years ago or something, but for fuck’s sake:
It’s Almodovar, not Aldomovar.
Portobello Road, not Portabello Road.
And the band is Les Savy Fav, not Le Savvy Fav.
I can’t get over how fucking lazy “professional” bloggers are with spelling mistakes. GOOGLE THINGS BEFORE YOU WRITE ABOUT THEM, IS IT SO HARD?!?
Also, her wedding dress is fug.
Thank you. So hilarious. Hate her harder.
I just finished that whole section of her blog – it seems like they went on and off for a while and she also implies that he wrote some songs about her and their relationship, and then they went into ‘just friends’ territory.
Nothing was ever very clearly stated, though.
It all came off to me like she wanted more from it than he did, and sort of implies (in my opinion) he led her on in that regard…as if she tried to nail him down, or metaphorically piss on her tree by talking about and posting pics of him, and kind of intimating that it was pseudo-serious, when in reality Jason Mraz Pop Star was just banging a cute chick he met and wasn’t really looking to settle down. Because you KNOW in spite of all her “omg marriage so not ready!!!” she was giving him the fucking indian burns about “where do we stand where is this going”. And no doubt tried to rekindle it while he was just trying to be friends.
I mean, you notice he hasn’t been mentioned in oh, two years? He probably finally had to cut her the fuck off to make her give up.
She could not have handled Jason Mraz. He goes around doing charity work now and is a raw foodie. No materialism at all. Avocado farmer and musician. The man would not wear clothes if he did not have to. He even wore a suit made out of recycled cassette tapes to the grammys. She has a serious retail addiction and he is against all corporations. It never would have worked.
Yeah, my understanding is that he’s quite lefty as well. We know from her recent posts that she is quite conservative. Although she had put some pro-Obama stuff on her blogs at one point, I had a sneaking suspicion that it was just a way to be trendy.
But then again, she could just be a vapid, political-vacuous airhead who just completely incorporates the opinions of whatever dude she’s with. Quirkster is a hard core libertarian-asshole.
Sneak peak (sic) is posted.
her dress is fug and does not fit her well at all. His haircut is horrible and his suit looks like My First Bidness Wear line from OMG JCPenney.
her misspelling enrages me.
Actually, believe it or not, it was not Jessica’s misspelling but her wedding photographer’s.
The first wedding shown on the photographer’s blog is…something. Check out the groomsmen. It’s like Dallas meets “Jersey Shore”.http://www.karicrowephotography.com/
That being said, I’m sure they are lovely people. I just really hate this brand of cheesy, faux-documentary, highly posed wedding photography.
And: I take back the spelling thing. Whoever did it first is irrelevant, since Jessica has it posted on her blog.
Sugar, it hardly matters now. It has been corrected.
That is one sex-ay honeymoon. Mmmm..spending your time cleaning up your blog spelling mistakes.
oooh, hard to hate on that.
Fashiongirl, I totally hear you. The horrible, trying to look deep/contemplative/contrived/knock-off attempts a Anthro catalog kill me. Especially the rando-scattered no smile crap and also, if done badly, the cutesy standing straight on. Bad wedding photography is just another reason why I question a wedding entirely.
Added. WTF kind of dress is that?
For a gal who claims to j’adore that 60s style, she sure did choose a dress that’s more late-80s mall store prom.
Yes – given her control issues and wanting to be the Perfect Bride, it’s almost bizarre that she chose such a dress…and what’s with the wash-and-wear hair?
Yeah, she looks better in most of her daily outfit photos. Of course the awkward branch-grasping pose in the photo – which also makes the dress look even more ill-fitting than it probably is – doesn’t do her any favors.
I believe the style is called “free”
I’m not saying all brides should wear up-dos, but all brides should make a fucking effort with their hair. She looks like she just rolled out of third period home ec.
That dress looks like every prom dress ever in the history of school dances amen.
http://vapidcunts.tumblr.com/post/120874993/awesome
I pointed out the correct usage / spelling to her over a year ago. She blocked me so failed to take in my wisdom.
Countdown to her getting karp to yank “recipesforstyle.tumblr.com” and handing it to her.
that’s mine too. i’ve hated this cunt for YEARS.
And I love you for it. Keep it coming.
I CAN”T BELIEVE THAT”S HER DRESS. Esteemed author of a forthcoming fashion book and envied writer of “What I Wore” and that’s fucking it? Seriously, I feel let down.
I know! I saw this pic and went “that’s it?” Like…that’s the best THE WORLD’S MOST AMAZING FASHION BLOGGER EVER can muster? A boring Jessica McClintock dress and a grey suit and blah hair? I totally understand having a small budget but really? Where is the personality? She really should have gone with something like Hepburn at the end of “Funny Face”, not this snoozeworthy Wedding Barn sale item. And come on, at least brush your fucking hair. I dunno the whole thing just says Budget Midwestern BBQ Wedding, not Respected Fashion Blogger/Style Expert.
Whatever. It was her wedding. She obviously just wanted to nail down Quirk as quick as possible, wedding style be damned.
I know. As much as I can’t stand her ass, this is disappointing even for her. You’re a fashion blogger and you can’t NAIL IT DOWN as a bride?
She’s really even more unworthy of that book deal than I had ever imagined previously.
I guess since she demonstrated some degree of creativity and sewing skill in the past, I expected much more than this cookie-cutter result, to say nothing of the shockingly poor fit of that dress. I’m thinking maybe the quirky vintage/DIY fashion thing she used to have going on was just a phase – since creativity can often be born from frustration and loneliness – but now that she has a guy and her “dream job”, she’s become lazy and smug.
One of my two most favorite wedding dresses ever, PP. After Cinderella’s. If she had worn one of those it’d be horrible. A million brooklyn brunches with rain on your wedding day!
It srsly is the worst dress ever.
Did she have her Blackberry tucked into her bridal bouquet? WTF?? You’d think she’d want to be in the moment on the “Most Specialest Day Ever ZOMG Invented”, but I don’t see how that’s possible when you’re commenting on yourself non-stop. Unbelievable.
Why didn’t she do her hair? I’d shell out $60 to get my hair blown out by a professional for my WEDDING…or at least made a better attempt than that. Awful.
Well, I didn’t get my hair done for my wedding, because we were cutting a lot of corners (our rings are cheap, thin, and made of recycled gold, we had a restaurant reception, it was in March, it was small, my mother in law “made” my bouquet because I wasn’t going to carry one and she got super upset about it) and I hate the way my hair looks when someone styles it. But then again, I got married because of culturally based emotional blackmail from my parents about living in sin, not because I thought it would be the best day of my life.
That dress. It doesn’t fit her on top. And the beading is so 80s. She would have looked amazing in something from the 50s/60, because of her body type. Too bad.
I hate to make excuses, but most likely she got a free dress from a sponsor and didn’t really have a huge selection to choose from. Even if she paid for it most likely she didn’t have a huge budget to work with – she and Quirk make their living off their tumblrs for god’s sake. Hell even if her parents helped with the cost of the wedding it’s not like they had 5k laying around for princess Messica’s wedding dress. She may have done the best she could, dress wise, with the funds she had.
I still think she should have gone vintage.
I think it would’ve been entirely possible to do super cheap vintage dress. If she’s the self-proclaimed queen of Vintage shopping, then why didn’t she go that route? It could’ve made a remotely interesting feature on her blog and been a helpful resource for other brides.
But of course, that sounds like too much work for midwest mess and cuts back on her shill opportunities.
Whatever, she’s a PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS. I’m sure the bitch would not have settled for less than a fabulous dress, in her mind. I very highly doubt they had an extremely tight budget. I think this is just a spectacular fail, because at heart she’s a very average, boring, insufferable person. She’s not even good at the shit she’s supposed to be good at.
(slow clap)
Also, wasn’t their wedding in the evening? Isn’t that suit a little…morning wedding?
I think she was trying to be all “casual backyard DIY wedding.” But it kinda comes off more like “I’m pregnant so we had 10 days to plan the wedding.” It’s like backyard flowers, David’s Bridal 99$ Sale dress, the only tux they had in his size, and no budget for hair/boutineers/bouquets/centerpieces. That sort of thing can look lovely and natural and casual, or it can look like a shotgun wedding.
It’s sort of too bad that she felt obligated to do the bride-ly thing and wear a long, white dress. She probably could have come up with a pretty, distinctive, vintage dress that would show more personality and also fit her better. Plus I find it refreshing when brides realize that it’s sort of silly to wear white/ivory just because it’s tradition.
I’m not just saying this because I dislike her, but I genuinely hate that dress! WTF. Way to go Ms. Fashion Blogger! And the hair!?! She could not have possibly worn that…
It shows how gauche she truly is. Evening wedding and he’s in a grey suit? And her hair is not done in the least? It sounds like the wedding was right at 6pm which would be a semi-formal. If it was after 6:30 then it would be presumed to be black-tie by certain people’s standards. I’m Southern. Very.
Do something different, sure, but do it earlier in the day.
Agreed on all points.
Is it at all possible that this is some sort of staged photo? I mean, clearly it’s staged – and very awkwardly – but could it have been taken a day or two before the wedding, like as a test shot? Because that’s the only explanation I have for how “unfinished” this looks, considering Jessica’s usual amount of time spent on her looks…
That’s actually what I was thinking. But the suit and the dress? Those are probably accurate?
I will suspend my meanest judgments till I see the “real” photos I guess. But that dress looks like the shit the gay dude will pull on Say Yes to the Dress in the hopes you’ll STFU about not getting the specific “look” you wanted. You’ll see your bizarre-o fantasies come true and realize it’s the height of tacky. Only Ms. Schroeder-Quirk did not grasp that concept.
Mom, is that you?
My mom will always, always discuss appropriate attire for day/evening wedding for men in a wedding.
Oh man, sometimes all you want to do is go to brunch and live in peace, but I can’t because WEDDINGS LIKE THIS GET ME DOWN.
If they were standing at a bus stop outside my window looking like this I would have to shout at them for wrecking the look and feel of my neighborhood.
I should have used Kickstarter to get funding to organize a Vuvuzela protest outside of their wedding.
BURN in yo’ polyester outfits bitchez.
5 pts for usage of wreck
5 pts for vuzuzela
5 pts for brunch
5 pts for get me down
5 pts for bus
Total points awarded: amazing level.
Not that I adore her style, but I really am shocked by how boring and sad they look.
OT: is chat officially dead?
Really?
A couple slow days and we’re done?
See you soon. I hope.
I’m in there now, though there doesn’t seem too much point when everyone has been shuffled over to the other room now. If you’re in the other room you can type /j #gomi and be in both rooms.
Is that her? Why does she look 5 months pregnant? also- you’d think a “fashion blogger” would get her damn dress fitted
Oh yes, that’s her.
Seriously. The bodice part does not fit AT ALL. I used to look at her new blog and think she was an above average sized woman, then I read her old blog and realized she is insane about food/eating, and THEN I realized she just has no fucking clue how to dress herself.
While I think they are both attractive, those outfits are completely dull and vulgar. (I don’t have a joke to make, sorry. That’s how dull they are.)
Exactly.